Here I am again!! Life is great - NOT !!

[Neil_1]

What’s it all for.  

Go to work to do aimless stuff.  

I work out at the gym – continual working out, but am I getting any bigger?  Doubt it.  

Injured my bicep in November and it’s still giving me grief.  

I’ve stopped one of the really enjoyable things in life (having beers at night) and this is giving me grief as well. I mean if it wasn’t for my fat stomach, there’d be no need to go off it.  

Feel tired so much – and I thought it was just in the morning, but now it’s getting to me during the arves as well now.  

Am a hopeless joke of a father to my son.  Thank goodness that our daughter is a ripper!  But then she's turned out that way largely to her Mum's influence.  But our son just frustrates the hell out of me and makes me so sad and mad.  He won't go to bed early - that's a source of aggravation.  I’ve stuffed up so badly. I doubt there’d be another household that would be like ours – where our son basically gets everything that he wants.  And grumbles a lot of the time too.  But that's just another balloon of my depression.

Want to just lie down in bed.

Also have a sore right glute/hamstring attachment;  and also sore lower back, due to me being a 'paper boy' every Tuesday evening.

But yeah, these are just some of my stressors at the moment - tears still won't come - but I find I'm getting mad and angry INSIDE me;  that it's all balling up into a tightness but it won't explode and if it did, I don't know in what form it would come out.

I feel like a sham as well - I post to others and reply and support, but all the time I'm feeling just a joke of a person who has my own battles.  But then I turn it around and think, well at least posting here is possibly one of the things that I can do that is perhaps 'right'.  I mean, the amount of feedback I've had from you wonderful people has shown me that.

But with all these stressors at the moment and the massive question is:  what’s it all for??  Where is the next smile going to come from? But really, will a smile make all that much of a difference??  

What do I want??????    I don’t know – not to be continually stuck in an office everyday of the week.  Not to be injured.  Well, neither of these will ever come true – well one will but that’s so far off in the  future that it’s not worth thinking about and the other one would be if I stopped one of my biggest passions in life – to work out.

So the clock ticks on, the day progresses and the endless cycle just continues on.

Thanx for reading.

Neil

[Guest_3712]

Hey neil,

 I was about to log off when I saw your post. I am at a bit of a loss as to what to say but please if it comes out dumb, please forgive.

It is so hard being the strong one. The go to person whether it is as a dad, a co- worker or on BB when you are idolised by millions  ( no pressure)

I was always the strong one in the family, at work and so on . When I had my breakdown post injury I used to scream at people, "Don't say  You are such a strong lady  you will get over it. It is too much pressure "

You have to know 2 things for sure ( well probably more but 2 at the moment)

You are definitely doing something 'right' when you post on here- you know that for absolute sure.

The other thing is you come first. You must loo after you . I replied to you and Geoff the other day and said I was worried you guys gave so much and maybe wasn't getting enough back.

So as you said to me, if you need to vent, yell, whatever do it. To deny yourself this release is not doing you any good. You can be the one asking for help you know.

You don't always have to be the giver.

kids are meant to make us sad and mad, and frustrated and angry and also warm, and fuzzy and cuddly and just awesome- that's their job. I seriously doubt any child of yours could be anything but amazing.

Maybe just maybe our expectations are too high and always remember they are all different, don't compare it's not fair to you or them.

Ok I really have to go and besides I can feel the system spiking with all the replies to you coming through.

Neil please Be kind to yourself.

Stressless

[Mares73]

From your No 1 Fan of the "Neil Fan Club" (sorry but there's too many to mention so I've started a group), you know everyone's going to come running or crawling our of their hiding place to remind you how great you are. I'm not going to say I'm sorry to read how your feeling-I mean I AM sorry that your feeling in the depths of darkness-but I AM also glad you've let some of the frustration out because its long overdue my special friend. I often wonder 'how can Neil sit day after day & read so many stories of unhappiness & distress-and pour out response after response of compassion, support & advice whilst holding in every drop of emotion, pain & frustration  that is eating away at him at the same time". You are incredible in the way you do that. But what worries me is that whilst it proves what an amazing support to others, it also demonstrates (to me at least)  how much you suppress and shut away your own feelings & experiences. It's a bit like what you said the other day-if you want to avoid talking about yourself -all you have to do is ask the person your with questions-and as you pointed out most people are so self-focused they will sit quite happily talking about themselves-defective questioning I think is the fancy term for it and I know it because I use it to avoid being asked about myself also. Very useful technique. So anyway subsequently I wonder what happens to all of your feelings because you don't tend to express them here. I know your exercise is a massive thing in your life & that's great. I know you love your family heaps, can't honestly say I know whether your partner understands or not as you've never mentioned her much. Not sure what you do for work except you don't seem to like it. I'm digressing-I guess I'm just giving you an idea of how much you know about so many people you support but as for your life situation, your feelings and the times you get down-I don't much. So I've wondered how you cope with all the things that get to you & how you deal with them. I'm not sure you even feel comfortable expressing yourself as a person on this site. And there's nothing wrong with any of that Neil, in no way am I criticising you, I guess I was so surprised to see a post from you & hoped so much you get the kind of responses you need or find helpful (rather than my rambles). I agree its a real downer when you feel each day is just turning into another & there isn't much to look forward to. Do you read much? I love crime fiction, don't know why given I sit tense and hunched over my chair but still love the thrill of what's going to happen. I never really have had hobbies, guess we never did much as kids & I've always worked so hard when employed so never had much time. Now I've almost got too much time in that I struggle to come up with ideas of things to try. But this year I got a lovely jounal (I still have yours) and decided to try do a "Therapy Project" where I'd keep quotes, thoughts, pictures etc, a kind of overview of the year and my feelings as the year progresses. Do you have any hobbies? Or things that help distract you when your down? I find that the hard part, what to do with my time when I'm down. But hey I'm reading that "Happiness Trap" book & I can really relate to it. It's great because its grounded in real life stories, it's not pop Pyschology. I wonder if your library would have it-I'd love to know what you thought of it. I usually have an intense dislike of Selfhelp fiction. Well I've asked you a lot of questions, no need to answer all. Just interested in you & your life because I really care & I also wonder how much support you get & whether its addressing what you need. I'm not just saying this Neil-you are a truly incredible person, your dedication to others well being is inspiring, your compassion is so genuine & your ability to connect with such a broad, diverse range of people who are all reaching for support is truly amazing. So be assured that in saying what I will, I'm saying it out of the depths of my heart-please have a think about what's really lurking below the surface and think about trying some ways& types of support & assistance to address your "demons". We all have them and if I didn't care I wouldn't be saying this. But I care very much & your too special to live the rest of your life plagued by guilt & a range of unresolved issues. And please forgive me if I've taken liberties I shouldn't of. My intentions would only ever be to support you. You are very special in my life. And I wish I could offer you a smidgen of the support you've given me. It's time to "take care of business"  as the saying goes. Yours truly, "madly" and deeply!! Mares xxx

[Vera55]

Oh dear Neil. A wee bit of self assassination happening here. You are NOT a fraud.

Two different things happening that are not related. One is that you are a skilled and caring person who grasps other peoples pain and tries to help.

two, your illness clouds and robs you of thinking clearly regarding your own vulnerability.

Two different things. They don't cancel each other out.

regarding having a drink. Is the timing wrong for you? If the abstaining was giving me this much grief I would look at the problem differently. What I mean is when you can.

boredom is what brings on my depression. It's not that I have to be manic and busy I have to feel engaged. I don't work because my depression is so severe at times that there is no one at home between my ears at times. Can't put two and two together yet I was a highly functioning person about 15 years ago. 

Neil, how old is your son? What are the consequences for his going late to bed? I don't mean from you but school etc.

and Neil, some gentle advice that you would give- you are doing the best that you can at the moment. 

A new career beckoning? I am not sure if you are aware of what a terrific writer you are. I read Carey Tennis blog and he too is terrific and you are quite similar with your insights. He used to write for Salon but now has his own site.

i love that line you or Geoff used not to look up the mountain. I have been using that daily and it works. 

So dear Neil, do what you have to do for yourself and we await your next post. Kind regards Vera 

[Jo3]

Oh Neil my friend

If Mares is your number 1 fan then I am number 2!!! LOL

Neil  you have helped me so so much I have lost count how many times.  I feel like I know you without meeting you, if that makes sense.

I am sorry you aren't feeling great at the moment, but I agree with Mares that you don't vent out very much and when you do I think OMG Neil is not doing too great, we never hear from Neil.

I worry about you because you seem so quiet on the ranting and posting side of things.  

Neil you are not a sham or even a loser of a dad.  I don't know you personally but I reckon you would be an awesome person, partner and dad.  You know kids go through stages, my boys did and I remember my two boys fighting with each other, telling me off, never swearing but just being boys at this age.  Their hormones are raging and they are trying to work out where they fit in.  My daughter on the other hand was and still is hormonal but much better now that she is older and has a boyfriend living with us.

This phase does pass with the children, your kids will grow and they will change.

Neil, you come on here and reply to a lot of people including me and from time to time its okay to let all your emotions out; let your anger and frustration out; it's okay.

I don't know what else to say - just that I am thinking of you and hope by the time you read this you are feeling a little better and positive.

You are worth it Neil, hang in there, I am by your side helping you.

Pls take care

Chat again tomorrow

Your friend

Jo

[Guest_3712]

hey Neil

really sorry you are feeling so low, but also glad you felt ok about posting.

your other friends have pretty much said everything I would but I just wanted to assure you of a couple of things.

First never ever doubt you are a good dad- it is genetically impossible for someone as caring, compassionate, funny, intelligent , and good looking ( I just know) .

Children are always going to make us mad, sad, frustrated, happy, proud, and a million other emotions- that's their job. My kids are in their late twenties and I am constantly amazed at how they can pull on my heart strings one moment and then having me reach for a panadol ( I was going to say drink, but didn't want to remind you of your OFD's- oops I guess I just did)

the second thing is you have to know and be ok with the fact that you can't always be everything to every one. It is unrealistic and too much pressure. I remember when I had my major breakdown people were so shocked .

I was always the strong one, the go to person in the family , at work and even our social director. I can remember just screaming at people during this time, not to call me strong ! I was so tired of carrying the world on my shoulders .

You probably don't realize just how much you mean to people on BB not just because of your charm and wit but because of the occasional post like this one when you remind us that even though we can have some low times and the world is seen through a grey filter, with support from wherever our support system is ( family, friends, BB ) we can be sure at some time the sun will emerge again.

Neil take time for you. Don't let go of your passion 's - sure injuries suck but you are a jock ( I just know) and know how to work through this time.

Have a great weekend and if you want ( not need) want to have a drink, go for it.

Don't stress the small stuff.

OMG did I just say that??  Need to take my own advice

Be kind to yourself

Stressless

[MaryG]

Hi Neil,

Fist of all remember that this feeling of hopelessness will pass. You can't see it I know because you are in your hole or tunnel of darkness and there is no light getting in. Trust me and try to remember you've been there before.

So here's some practical advice that might help with the other stuff.

It sounds like you have two very different children. That's pretty normal.Just like us they all have different needs and ways of dealing with life. I doubt your son's behaviour has much to do with your parenting ability and more to do with his own personality (remember he is an individual unique human being) and age and stage of development. My only suggestion here is don't turn your frustration with him onto yourself, that will only make it worse for you and give that despairing churning cycle of self doubt some strength. Choose your battles with him. Let the little things go. 

He will be OK and you need to look after yourself.

When you have become used to the wonderful crutch that alcohol provides, your life will seem very empty without it. Many of us have wondered "what is the point?" "Now I don't even have that to help me" "How will I cope?" I don't have an answer for these questions but I am learning (very slowly) the skills to help me understand. It takes time and it can be so frustrating and hopefully the end result will be a better me.

Injury sux big time. Especially if you are like me (and I think you are) and exercise gives you such pleasure and purpose. (especially when alcohol is missing) The concept of being patient and letting your body heal is so hard to accept. One option is to do some different exercise for a while. I had to move away from what I was doing because of injury and it forced me to focus on other strength and flexibility exercise that has actually made me fitter all round. My injury eventually healed and I now embrace a broader range of exercise and enjoy it more.

I really hope that today finds you in a better place.

Mary 🙂

[Neil_1]

Hi there

I’m back again … I wasn’t going to, but thought, no bugga it, I will. I’m normally so **** with my responses, in that, I will write things in order and have a consistent theme to them – but this one might be all over the place.

My (our) son is 15 – oh, fast closing in on 16 actually – at the end of this month.  I blew up last night and damn near put my hand through his door – ask him to do something and the answer is always, ‘No, can’t do it now’.  “Ok, so when?”  “I’m not sure – when this game is finished”.  THAT’s dear people where I fall down.  That’s where, wow if I’d have said that in my time, I would have had my backside kicked (and that’s just a term – never any violence of that sort when I was growing up).  But nope, Neil walks away – and it festers inside.

At least it’s raining here this morning – really well – made it very hard to get up and going – with that beautiful sound of rain on the roof.

Vera, thank you for your compliment about my writing – I run a footy tipping comp each winter season (for both NRL and AFL codes) and this year I have a record number (137) tipsters.  All done via email and a spread sheet and I have tipsters from many many different locations throughout Australia – word has spread over the years – this is my 15th year of running it.  Anyway, what I’m getting at here is that I’ve had responses back to me so many times from people who say, they really enjoy the comp – even if they don’t do any good – as they really enjoy reading my emails that I send out each week – along with the results.  That’s always nice to read.

A bit of news here – I have written up a manuscript about my life story (obviously so far) and you know at the end of last year/start of this year, I had a publisher who was championing the idea and was willing to put it into publication, etc.  You couldn’t imagine (a) my surprise, (b) my excitedness, (c) my amazement, (d) my surprise and (e) all of the above at that news. 

However, after paying quite a sum of money to get their proposals for how to best publish, launch and follow-up the book, etc everything came to a standstill.  For what we were looking at doing the cost for me to outlay was similar to that of purchasing a small (new) car!!  We simply couldn’t believe it.

Not having a go at the publisher or the company, that’s just simply how they operate their business – and for me, that was just not financially viable.  The publisher has many others working at the firm who look over manuscripts, but as this was based on depression and a male’s version of it (something that apparently isn’t spoken/written about all that much), she was going to take on the project herself – as she is also a qualified psychologist.  She did say that my story is a very powerful one and was really keen to take it on – but alas, I’ve just checked last night’s Powerball numbers and blah, I still can’t afford it.

I have tried two other companies with it in the meantime and their waiting period of reading and deciding on manuscripts are 3 and 6 months respectively.  So I’m still waiting, but to be honest, that would be an even bigger amazement if that was to happen.  I mean, this other person, basically read it and within a week and a half, it was decided that she’d take it up.

Anyway, I’m running out of characters and I’ve got so much more to say.

This feeling of stress, tension, anxiety is with me bubbling away pretty much all the time.

So there’s one of my gifts – able to write so many words and reveal so little!

Neil

[scorch]

hi Neil.  I hope that you can see how much everyone loves you here!  Mares, Vera and Jo have covered so much, and I completely agree with everything they have said.

You are NOT a failure or a sham.  You are not a joke of a man.  You are in fact a kind, caring, wise and sincere man.  It sounds to me like you are a fantastic father, and I hope this doesn't come out weird but I wish that I had had a father like you.

I think it is great that you are having a vent.  (although not that you are suffering, it is not great that you are hurting)  We all need to do something to help release the balls of anxiety that smash away at our insides.   You care so much about others, you spend so much time and energy looking out for the wellbeing of so many people, I have often wondered if you save any time and energy for yourself?  It shows so much about your character and personal strength that you do so much for others even while you are hurting, but please remember it is also so very very very important to keep some of that strength to put towards looking after yourself.

I hope that you'll be able to draw some strength from the people who have posted here, and that their encouragement will help you get through the days.

The others covered everything so well, I don't really have much to add without repeating them, so I'll leave that alone.  However I do want to add something.

You mentioned in your post along the lines of you 'don't know where the next smile is coming from'.... well, this might sound like weird advice, but here goes. 

I never found smiles all that they're hyped up to be.  You can fake a smile.  You can force a smile.  But a smile means nothing if it isn't genuine... so you know what?  Stuff the smile!  If you don't feel like you can smile today, then don't smile.  If all you can manage is a grunt and a middle finger at whatever is making you feel like rubbish, then go for it.  I'm not saying give up, I'm not saying don't try... I'm just saying, sometimes life can be a kick in the teeth - and for some reason people think you need to smile through it.  When in reality, you are allowed to show that getting kicked in the teeth hurt like hell. 

Just so long as you grab some ice and put it on the wound.  You don't have to smile through the pain, just keep on applying first aid.

Because the important thing is what's going on inside.  And to me, it sounds like you are burnt out.  It sounds like you need to find an outlet (non destructive, as destructive outlets only make us feel worse) to release the stress that is eating you up inside.  

Is there a way that you can have some time to yourself each week?  Even if only for a couple of hours?  Do you have a favourite place to visit?  A man cave to retreat to?  Is there somewhere you can visit to take some well earned time out?  You mentioned writing, does that help to transfer some of the tangles inside onto the page?

I find I have to let the monkey of anxiety that is trapped in my brain out of it's cage frequently, I must let it run around or else it finds a way to break free and goes berserk like King Kong... it could take out entire cities when it's enraged and nothing can stop it until it's tired itself out.  I find writing or time with nature can help to soothe it, giving that damn monkey the exercise it needs to stay restrained. 

Maybe you need to find some things to help soothe your inner monkey too?

I have to go now Neil, but I really do hope that you've found some help through the words shared for you today.  I know you can't necessarily see it, but you truly are an amazing human being - one of the very best.  And whether you believe it or not, it is true.  Please take some comfort in that.

your friend, Scorch *hugs*

[geoff]

dear Neil, my esteemed friend and no.1 supporter on the male side, I don't care one bit about showing admiration, endearment or affection for a male, as I always tell my 2 sons all the time that I love them and I do kiss them, so please don't be upset by me saying this as I have no fear in telling the truth in everything I say in life, because I think you know what I am saying, a spades a spades.

Now is not the right time for you to stop drinking alcohol, this will happen down the track or at a later date, because it is putting too much more pressure on you, and as I did comment on your AFD that everyone has their own tolerance level, which could last one week or even just one day, so there's no need to push yourself beyond limits.

If and when people 'told' me to stop drinking, this would only make me want to continue, because I had to decide in my own time when this would happen, you can't do something that is forced down your throat, it will never happen ever.

You know that the support for you is mammoth on this site, but more so the massive help that you have offered to people is enormous.

The richest man in the world would never be 100 % happy, he's a human being, he would also have his breaking points where he is upset and even melancholy so all the money in the world, yeh would be great, but it doesn't buy happiness.

Cancel April for the time being, because it's putting more undue pressure on you, I know that you want to lose some weight, but that can wait, and it's not necessarily the beer that's doing the damage, because it could be in your genes, well that's what I'm saying.

Your health in trying to cope with this dreaded illness is of prime concern. Cheers Geoff.