Here I am again!! Life is great - NOT !!

[Neil_1]

What’s it all for.  

Go to work to do aimless stuff.  

I work out at the gym – continual working out, but am I getting any bigger?  Doubt it.  

Injured my bicep in November and it’s still giving me grief.  

I’ve stopped one of the really enjoyable things in life (having beers at night) and this is giving me grief as well. I mean if it wasn’t for my fat stomach, there’d be no need to go off it.  

Feel tired so much – and I thought it was just in the morning, but now it’s getting to me during the arves as well now.  

Am a hopeless joke of a father to my son.  Thank goodness that our daughter is a ripper!  But then she's turned out that way largely to her Mum's influence.  But our son just frustrates the hell out of me and makes me so sad and mad.  He won't go to bed early - that's a source of aggravation.  I’ve stuffed up so badly. I doubt there’d be another household that would be like ours – where our son basically gets everything that he wants.  And grumbles a lot of the time too.  But that's just another balloon of my depression.

Want to just lie down in bed.

Also have a sore right glute/hamstring attachment;  and also sore lower back, due to me being a 'paper boy' every Tuesday evening.

But yeah, these are just some of my stressors at the moment - tears still won't come - but I find I'm getting mad and angry INSIDE me;  that it's all balling up into a tightness but it won't explode and if it did, I don't know in what form it would come out.

I feel like a sham as well - I post to others and reply and support, but all the time I'm feeling just a joke of a person who has my own battles.  But then I turn it around and think, well at least posting here is possibly one of the things that I can do that is perhaps 'right'.  I mean, the amount of feedback I've had from you wonderful people has shown me that.

But with all these stressors at the moment and the massive question is:  what’s it all for??  Where is the next smile going to come from? But really, will a smile make all that much of a difference??  

What do I want??????    I don’t know – not to be continually stuck in an office everyday of the week.  Not to be injured.  Well, neither of these will ever come true – well one will but that’s so far off in the  future that it’s not worth thinking about and the other one would be if I stopped one of my biggest passions in life – to work out.

So the clock ticks on, the day progresses and the endless cycle just continues on.

Thanx for reading.

Neil

[White_Rose]

Hello Neil

I have been reading the posts on this thread (and other threads) but feeling unable to respond.  Everyone else has said the things that I would like to say.  So I will just say, "good on ya mate" hang in there.

I do have one suggestion about your writing.  There are a number of self publishing organisations out there who will publish books at a reasonable price.  Check out self publishing on the internet and see what is on offer. 

I published my sister's poems that way when she died, and it was not a bad way to go.  I did a great deal of the work myself. e.g. chose the pictures I wanted for poem, decided the order etc, chose the illustration for front and back covers, and the name of the book.  In return I received a well printed soft cover book with an ISBN, a reasonable number of copies of the book (I think 30), plus posters and bookmarks to give way.  The original cost was too high for me so I did a deal with them.  Everyone is open to negotiation I find.

Apart from the satisfaction of having your work published you may find this a sufficiently absorbing activity which will take your mind off the desire to drink and restore some hope.

I hope this is useful.

Regards

White Rose

[Vera55]

Hello everyone. 

Every time I get on this site I am amazed at the breadth of knowledge, skill and awareness that is evident in every response. 

And the hidden layers in people. Neil, I am in awe that you wrote a book. It is something that is percolating in the back of my mind. RESPECT. You would make a fab ghost writer because your way with words and the way you paint a picture of a situation is a real skill. I found it really touching that you take the effort to care enough before you post! 

Another lesson I learnt from this thread, and some of you allude to this, is how a person in need brings out the best in others. Although we are in need we also appreciate being needed. 

So thank you all for the wealth and depth of all your knowledge and wisdom. I certainly appreciate it more than all the books I have ever read. - although I haven't read Neil's yet! 

[Jo3]

Hi Neil

It's Friday night and I was wondering how you are doing? 

Sitting at home watching the footy but about to fall to sleep and it's only 8.20pm. 

I'm not much with words tonight - not feeling great but ........

All I wanted to say to you Neil is that I am thinking of you and hope you are doing okay.  I'm sorry I just can't get words out tonight.

Pls take care

Jo

[Mares73]

Hi Neil

its a wet overcast morning in Sydney this Saturday. I did send you a "Goodnight" message last night but it has been lost amongst the deep piles of messages crawling through the system. How are you feeling today? I had 2thoughts to share. One was that my daughter is 15 this year & my son is 10-I could relate so much to the comments you made. I always think my children are the most spoilt kids that exist-I don't know what happened to our "boundaries" but the kids rule the house. The other comment was to back-up what Geoff had said-now is not the time to place yourself under another pressure-you can choose any month to stop drinking but it's not going to be this one. Things are tough enough. Let something go. You can have a "dry" month any other month. Give yourself some freedom my friend. I'm thinking of you & wondering how you are? Lve Mares xxx

[Genimo]

Hi Neil and others,

i have joined today as my doctor told me about this site. Neil's forum post caught my eye because I too ask as well- what's it all for?  I am finding it incredibly difficult to go to work (an office role) and I canon continue doing that...so how can we do what we want to do when we are stuck trying to pay bills, a place to live and in a place mentally that just is so hard to deal with.

Here's a bit about my story:

I married young and loved him dearly but husband was never there for me when I would go through difficult times at work and had to deal with bullying and mobbing.  It got to the point where I couldn't deal with his non-action or caring about what I was going through at work so we drifted apart and I left my husband and lived with my parents at the age of 34.

 We divorced and mentally I was not getting better and I started to feel incredibly sad. Overwhelmed and like I could not breathe and I hated being around social situations and people.  Work was not any better and I moved around from office non to office job in the hope that I would find a workplace that was decent, not toxic, and not public service dysfunctional. My depression started to be one worse because no such place exists.

I took a year off and went to Sydney - the initial change was okay but without any family I found it incredibly isolating and my depression started becoming heavier and more frequent.  I moved back home and started to rebuild myself slowly and I found another job in the public service.  It was ok for a while but then I was moved to another section where the manager was a bully - I like to think of myself as a strong person (well that's what i started off as in life) but when you take enough hits and punches, you slowly beacomes weak and slowly start to believe you are worthless followed by an enormous sense of hopelessness that just never goes away..

i don't  know why I always somehow become the target of bully's and toxic managers at work - I have become weak from hopelessness and sadness and I guess this shows as a potential target. 

About a year ago - my ex husband and I met up for coffee and a movie. He gave me a letter saying all the things that he should have said (but didn't) in terms of support and love whilst we were married. My heart melted and it had seemed like we had both grown up.  I had a flicker of hope and light and we talked about getting married.. Then as things went on - he decided he wanted out and that was that.  Nothing had happened to instigate this but he said he didn't want to get married and wanted to be alone.  

My world turned upside down... I haven't been able to function and it's a continual struggle and fight to plaster a normal persona and get up in the morning.  I guess I find it hardest knowing that I have no one and work is still terrible and I'm suffering so much that I want to resign, but I can't as I need to pay for my townhouse.  I can't tell my family what I a going thru internally as it would only make my mum more ill with sickness as she worries already for me and to know what I am struggling through would kill her with stress, anxiety and this in turn translates itself into ill health..

I'm the eldest of 3 daughters in my family so it's always been me who has held things together, looked after my sisters and done whatever I needed to to keep the family going.  When you come to Australia as migrants with nothing, you do whatever you have to to keep the family strong and that's what I have always done.. 

So where I'm at today is that I find it incredibly hard to imagine a life without my husband. He still has all our wedding photos on the walls of our home (which he still lives in) and every little thing from movie tickets to gifts and cards we gave each other.

its amazing how much you wish you could turn back time and do things like NOT work in an office just because your family thought it was a good place to set yourself up financially.  It's amazing how you wished you would have had the skills as a young person to just communicate better with your partner  and probably avoid splitting up.

Nothing has gone right since 2009 and the anxiety attacks and constant sadness coupled with my sh*t no where I'm a bully's and mobbing target is hard...

thanks for reading my life story...

[Vera55]

Hello dear woman. What a story. And yet so universal too as I too played that role in my family and still struggle to extricate myself from perceived roles I should play in my family. I worked really hard with a therapist for ages to change that dynamic. Was not easy as we are so well trained, esp in migrant families to play our perspective roles.

It's sad when our love for a person is so strong and they want other things in life.

do you think if you remarried that you would be happy? Or do you think some other things are happening that you want to clarify for yourself? 

What do you love doing? It's a start to clarifying what it is you want. 

Hope to hear your responses soon. Kind regards Vera 

[Neil_1]

Hi there Genimo

I agree with Vera - what a story!  And sorry, before that I should have said, "Hey Genimo, welcome to Beyond Blue - that's a very positive move that you done to come here and then to provide your post".  If you've read through the responses to my post, you'll quickly learn that the people on this site are just totally amazing, with their care, their advice, knowledge and support.  Pretty much all of us are battling our own demons and yet, it's an amazing quality that the people here display - even in the most extreme adversity, they'll rise to support others.

Your very opening sentence revealed to me the answer to a question I was going to ask - and that is about your doctor.  So you have seen your doctor recently.  That is good - from a layman's side of things, that is good.  But Genimo, do YOU think it's good?  As in, do you feel happy with how your doctor is treating you with your depression?  If yes, that is great.  If not, please let us know and we'll be able to provide you with some advice on this.

Does your doctor have you on any medications and also have they got your referred to any other professional - either a psychologist or pyschiatrist??

If I'm reading right, it was just you and your ex-husband - no children involved?  And that you're still living in the same town/city??

Your post is really strong with great messages in it - and the undertone amongst it is:  "If only we knew THEN, what we know NOW".  And yes, I've pondered this in some many respects of my life - too many, and fortunately those ponderings have passed - because that can really beat you - you cannot win from those thoughts.

What we have now (what you have now) is what you have - and as a result we (you - all of us) have just got to deal with it now as it currently is.

Now we can keep it going as is (and for some, possibly not the best thought or option) OR we can try to make change and instead of going down the same road, we turn off the road and create a new path/a new direction.

That is what I see as being our choices.  So there it is Genimo - if you're reasonably happy with what you've currently got, but obviously still facing depression, perhaps stay as is.  But if you're unhappy (really unhappy) with things and depression is bad, then maybe it is time for change.

Wow, where did these thoughts come from??   Can't say in all of my mass of posts, I've ever pondered or wrote that deeply.  So thank you Genimo for striking a flame inside of me - having said that, was it that helpful?  Who knows.

Cheers

Neil

[Neil_1]

Dear all

Thank you all so much for your wonderful messages of support, of advice and of shared experiences - I can't tell you how much of a 'pick-me-up' it has been to receive these messages.  I've been through and read them all twice - it's quite hard to believe really.

So I did take the advice and on my way home from the gym last evening, I pulled in and bought some 'cold ones' - and so yes, yesterday was not an Alcohol Free Day for me and for that, I feel ok in doing so.  I enjoyed the beers while enjoying Friday night footy.  It was good.

I will make my confession to the other wonderful people on the AFD post, but will announce my climb back on the wagon as of tonight.  It was, I think, just the 'tonic' I needed - so thank you for that.

I am better today (Saturday).

Mares, I do enjoy reading - I like a fair variety of stuff, but of late my favourite author is Lee Child;  I really really enjoy his series of books about his main character, Jack Reacher.  On the inside of one of the books:  Jack Reacher - every man wants to be him and every woman wants to be with him!!

Kind regards

Neil

[MaryG]

Hi Neil, 

so glad you are feeling a little better. So let's talk Jack Reacher. First if all Tom Cruise? What were they thinking? ( actually the movie wasn't that bad) Secondly, he has a toothbrush but no deodorant and he wears the same clothes day after day. Totally nailing all those low life' baddies must work up a bit of sweat and I've seen plenty of UFC fights and I know there's a bit of blood involved. How does he still attract the women? He must smell pretty bad. Don't get me wrong he is totally attractive from a woman's point of view but I have to ignore the lack of laundry to go there. Something appealing about his lifestyle though. Just him an the open road. No ties, no job. Just him. 

Mary

[Genimo]

Hi again everyone, thanks for your replies. Just reading your responses makes me sad but happy (if that makes sense at all)...

In response to Neil - I don't  have any children and I guess I have become a skilled person at putting on my fake face and holding it all together...(just)...by the thinnest of threads.

i am not on any medication or anti depressants as my doctor wants me to try therapy as part of my mental health plan despite me asking fir some anti-depressants. So we will see how it goes... The usual go for a walk, do exercise, stay healthy etc, well that only works up to point and then those branches on that depression tree in your head, they start growing like mad and then you can't stop your anxiety attacks...and feelings of hopelessness and sadness.  There are some days where I  so bad that I cannot get up - I just cannot get up and it's very disrespectful when peoe say oh you look fine and you are smart, pretty, and why aren't you happy... Well if only it were they easy and life was that easy & superficial.  But life and sadness and struggle and lost hope are all real and it's part of depression.  I remember a time when I was so oblivious (maybe because I was so young) to all the problems and issues that I must deal with now...I think to myself why can't I just be like I was before?..... Maybe my eyes and ears weren't open before and over the years they've opened up and now I see it all for how life really is... Perhaps depression is like this brainwash tree that's in us and them node day over time, it starts to grow- those branches grow and grow and it gets even harder to chop and contain those (depression)branches.  I