Helping someone through

[cassvonnegut]

Hi, I'm new to this but need some help. I'm trying to help a friend through a really tough time. It's tricky because we used to be in a long term relationship. We have a wonderful, close friendship and there's no bad blood stemming from our having broken up, but needless to say it hasn't been easy. I've come through depression myself and have managed to get on top of a lot of it through counselling and lifestyle changes and meditation. 

My friend is trying a lot of the methods I've used and has made progress, however a new relationship in his life has been really traumatic and difficult for him. He's naturally a very sensitive, honest and caring person and I fee like this is being taken advantage of. I don't know how to help him realise he's worth more than he thinks and get him to realise this girl is going to continue to hurt him rather than help him. I want to help him move towards things that will make him happy. But now he's saying he wants to go overseas for an extended period of time, which can be an amazing life affirming experience, but I feel like he's not seeing it like this but as a means of escape, like he's running away. I'm worried that he'll become more isolated and withdraw more when he's away from the people that care about him. He has such little confidence and it's become worse since he's been with her. 

How can I help him realise he can't run away while remaining supportive of his choices and aspirations? I don't want to lose him, I love him too much. 

[geoff]

dear Cassvonnegut, hi and welcome, only wish it was in better circumstances.

Going overseas can sometimes be a good idea, however with regard to your friend, it will only mean that he is away from his base support, and so by running away is definitely not going to help him, it will only stall his recovery.

The problems and issues that he is battling with will always be there with him, and there becomes a time where he will have to realise that he needs help.

Is he aware of the fact that this girl may have a darker side to her, as you can see looking from a different angle, or that there won't be any long term relationship with her, which then brings me to the point that if and when they may break up, it's not a catalyst for him to then decide to go OS and without your knowledge.

Another concern is that when and if he breaks up with her actually mean that he will become worse off, with the feeling of being rejected, so this is a worry.

Because he has depression his thinking is not clear, and his thought process is all over the place, so what he wants to do may not be the most sensible decision to make, so this is again a worry.

If you know that he still loves you then talking to him will be much easier, but you have to take this slowly otherwise if it's overbearing he will turn off anything you have to say, and then do something that's not appropriate. L Geoff. x