Falling apart-losing control over my thoughts

[Mares73]

Hi there again i saw my psychiatrist yesterday and explained to her I was feeling very low-things I would usually do on autopilot such as get the kids ready for school and make their lunches-I was now at the point where I couldn't of had the energy to argue with them if they didn't want to go. That is SO not me. Having something ready for dinner each night-I completely forget.

The lists of things I have to do are growing each day. I mentioned ACT therapy to my psych and her reply was that I knew the theories-what I needed was some practical help with things I have to do.

She was concerned enough to ask if I would consider going to hospital for a break-but I couldn't do that to my kids right on Xmas.

I don't have any "support" people. My husband just gets frustrated. I am finding it hard to wan to get out of bed each day. And my psychiatrist says this is because I have no enjoyment in my life, only things I "need" to do.

She says given the amount of trauma I have experienced in my life there are bound to be effects to my self esteem, confidence as well as a fear of the unknown.

So now I'm confused-am I so traumatised that therapy wouldn't help and just stick to seeing the psych every 3 months or do I drag up my whole past and go over it again using a different approach?

 I did email a Professor I found who specialises in ACT and she couldn't see me but gave me another name. She did state however that treatment would be very difficult and traumatic at times.

I really don't want to relive my experiences-especially the ones involving child sexual abuse by my father and a priest and a "stranger" rape several years ago.

I wish I could feel "normal" whatever that is just for a short period so I know it's possible to feel it again.

Being defined "treatment resistant" and on a high dose SNRI coupled with 2 augmentation medications-an antipsychotic and a stimulant-AND feeling this bad is quite frightening. My self esteem is at an all-time low.

I wonder who I am and where the "real" me has gone. I don't think I can go on like this much longer. I've always been able to stop myself from self harm by telling myself how important I am to the kids. Now I just feel like a complete failure at everything and don't know what to do-the kids might be less affected by me if I wasn't around.

Sorry-a really dark desperate day. Mares x

[Jos]

Hi Mares,

I can totally relate to where you are, the real you is there it just can't be found as there is so much going on in your mind.  Your last sentence is of concern, and if I were you I would reconsider some time in hospital where you can get the support you need to get back on track.

In regard to the past, the best way for me was to acknowledge and accept that it was gone and that of course wouldn't be forgotten but filed away as a chapter of my past.  My present is far too valuable to be plagued by negative thoughts of these times.

Hang in there, I too was told various things by different professionals, I refused to be labelled long term as I knew deep down that there was a flicker of light and after swimming in despair finally found the lighthouse so to speak.  Don't hold onto negative labels, just seek positive outcomes.

Please make the appointment and get the support that you need, just because Christmas is coming doesn't mean should should delay the help you need.  You can plan that special family time when you are feeling better.

Thinking of you....Jos