Hello

[adamc]

Hello, I'm a 36-year old man and have suffered depression for many years. I was bullied constantly in high school and have always preferred to keep things to myself.

[adamc]

Thanks.

I have been down all day, my eldest sister has been eerily depressed for some reason then just earlier, Mum came up to me and saying "Why aren't you taking the virus seriously? Why are you thinking it doesn't exist? Do you want your father to get it? You do know that whenever you go out, you could bring it back. When you leave, you have to wear a mask." I just know my sister talked Mum into saying that to me. I've always noticed my sister having private, quiet words in Mum's ear, typically about me. Or more to the point, how to punish me for something.

Suddenly, after Mum said that to me, my sister's mood immediately lightened up.

I don't care if I got the virus and died from it.

[Sophie_M]

Hi adamc,

We're so sorry to hear that you've been feeling down today. We understand that these family dynamics sounds tough. We hope that expressing what you're feeling on the forums brings you some comfort.

If you think it might be useful, you could get in touch with an organisation called Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277. They provide relationship support services for individuals, families and communities and aim to support all people in Australia to achieve positive and respectful relationships.

Please remember that if you need some extra support tonight or someone to talk through your thoughts with, there is support available to you through the helplines we have suggested - LifeLine (13 11 14) or SuicideLine (1300 659 467), or emergency services on 000 (triple zero). 

Please feel free to reach out here as well, whenever you're having a day like this and need some words of support.

[adamc]

Thanks for the suggestion, but over the past few years I've come to realise and understand that I don't need anyone; friends, lovers. I prefer to be alone. No one can hurt me if I'm by myself.

In the past, Mum has been violent towards me for the most ludicrous reasons. The first time was the day of my eldest sister's grade 6 graduation. Mum was trying to force jeans onto me which I have always despised and because I wouldn't, she used violence, saying "Fine. Wear whatever the hell you want."

The second time was when I was about 23 and it was Christmas night. We had everyone over after dinner and I was always treated as though I should just sit there and be quiet. I got up to go into my room to get a book to read in the lounge-room and as I headed back in with everyone, I just froze thinking "No, I'm not going back in there." I went back into my bedroom and soon after Mum walked in, telling me to go back out. I politely said "I'd rather stay here", she started pulling me by the arm and when I pulled away, Mum used violence.

Everyone I told that to couldn't believe it when I mentioned how old I was. Even though I'm nearly 37, Mum has always treated me like a little kid but my sister who is nearly 40 who mostly acts like a kid saying "I want my mummy" and "I love my mummy" she can do no wrong with Mum.

But me, I've always been treated like the ugly duckling in the family. That's why I once said to my younger sister who has two daughters in terms of having children:

"The first is your most special."

"The second is a second one."

"The third is to make up for the mistakes of the second."

[missep123]

Hi adamc,

My apologies that I haven't been on in a little while! I wanted to reach out because we have enjoyed your chats on the forums! I know it's a very frustrating time at the moment especially with COVID. The things you mentioned to me before, voice work, movies, tv shows, books. Would any of those help to make you feel a bit better at the moment? Maybe you can tell me about the most recent story you have written, if you're comfortable of course.

Here for you!

[adamc]

Thank-you.

For the past couple of days I have felt much worse. I know it may sound silly but I enjoy playing the game "The Sims 4" and lately many of my playable households have been diminishing and I don't know why. A couple of nights ago, I went to play some that would load every time when I selected them, especially one in particular that I love, but the game kept crashing each time, even though they worked perfectly just a couple of weeks ago. And I can't understand why!!

Ever since then, and with my mum saying earlier "Why were you out for so long? Where did you go for 3 hours?" my thoughts of not wanting to be here anymore have grown exponentially.

All I did was went for a walk around the lake and as I was heading home, Dad asked if I wanted to join him on his walk, so I did.

As for stories, I really haven't written anything lately, some are incomplete. A script I wrote for a competition entitled "The Legend of Zaphira" is only small but centres on a sweet princess named Shara who on her 18th birthday, will become more powerful in the ways of magic. An evil queen decides it would be the ideal time to destroy her.

[missep123]

It doesn't sound silly! I love the Sims 4 and a lot of people that I know love it too! To be honest it is known to crash here and there. Do you have the most recent update for it? There is a way to recover your favourite characters because they should still be in the EA documents folder in your 'documents'. Speaking from experience, lots of frustrating crashes that I've experienced with the game! It's so fun though. Do you have all the expansion packs?

I can hear you've been going through a really tough time but I think it is a good thing that you are continuing to go on your walks and spend some time with your dad. And also although you haven't written anything lately, that script sounds really cool! What competition was it for?

[adamc]

I play the game on PS4. Even though the current version is 1.29, I only have 1.24. I'm now thinking of updating and hoping it fixes the problems. I first got the game late 2017 and the Sims I have created since then, I have grown very fond of and I never want to lose them.

As for the game packs, I don't have them all. I just get the ones that sound appealing. I was thinking of getting the Eco Living pack but after all the issues people have encountered with it, I don't dare.

I love my walks, when I'm alone I can think about different things. Depending on what has happened like losing my beloved dog Kelli or not understanding why suddenly my favourite households in Sims won't load, I could spend the majority of my walk in tears.

Now that I remember, that script was just for a script-writing course I did through Open Universities. It only came out around 40 pages.

But there was another story I was writing for a Doctor Who competition for Short Stories but mine was starting to become too long so I decided I wouldn't enter the competition but just finish the story on its own. I haven't written any more of it for years.

What it was about was I became the Doctor's companion after my life not getting anywhere and we landed in a world where the rebel faction were trying to stop an evil tyrant from developing a gateway to "who-knows-where" and endangering their lives. A shy young woman residing in the castle, Shara, is discovered to be the one providing information to the rebel faction. Because she is shy and I am shy in nature, we give each other strength to stand up and fight for what we believe in.

[missep123]

How did it go with the update? Did it fix it?

I didn't realise eco living had so many issues! I have quite a few of the expansions including University, pets, downtown living. I also get attached the families I create! I also like the interior decorating part of it as well!

I'm glad that you still like going for walks, sorry to hear that it can bring up some upsetting things though. Do you find walking to be self-soothing?

40 pages is a big accomplishment! That's really cool about the Doctor Who competition. Could you perhaps take what you have written and condense it to enter it?

That's a really cool plot. Have you been watching the most recent Doctor Who?

[adamc]

I have not yet updated my game as I am fearful as to what will happen. I hope it will make more of my households playable.

I do find walking to be soothing. It allows me to think and be myself or the person I want to be. I recently discovered a walking trail alongside the local golf course and it's quiet and peaceful. At night, it's totally dark with no lights but you can see where you're going. I've gone along it the last two night and ask the infamous White Lady to take me.

The other night, I blew up at mum because she just kept prodding me to say what's wrong while my sister was standing right next to her. I overheard Dad tell her later that the lockdowns and restrictions are starting to get to me. If he came into my room later and asked if I wanted to talk, I would've told him I'll just write it all down and there would've been a lot to say.

The competition was many years ago so I think it's too late now. I really haven't written at all lately. I guess I just haven't been in the mood.

I've been a fan of Doctor Who since the ABC decided to replay the classic series back in 2003. Before then, I'd seen a bit here and there and read about it in magazines. It felt weird at the time for me reading about all the different Doctors, how there could be so many yet be the one person. I have seen the latest series' with Jodie Whittaker but I'm afraid other than the two-parter "Spyfall", no other episodes is worth a second look. While I loved Series 5, I much prefer the variety of the classic series. Unlike current Doctors, the classic Doctors were all different with their own personality and how they acted. Nowadays, they all seem to be exactly the same; eccentric, talks fast.

[missep123]

I'm really glad that you find walking soothing. Can I ask, who is the 'infamous White Lady'?

Sorry to hear that, I can really understand that the restrictions and everything going on adds a lot of frustration, challenge and pressure.

A lot of people like the classic Doctor Who! I think that the storylines can be so clever and really take you on a creative adventure. Who would you say is your favourite 'enemy' i.e Daleks?