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adamc
Community Member
Hello, I'm a 36-year old man and have suffered depression for many years. I was bullied constantly in high school and have always preferred to keep things to myself.
100 Replies 100

Hi adamc,

Apologies for the late reply.

How have you been going?

May I ask if you have seen a mental health professional? They may help with these anxieties. From personal experience it can be very challenging when we carry things on our shoulders.

We are definitely here on the forums for you though! I am really glad that you reach out to us!

adamc
Community Member

Thank-you. At the moment, I'm feeling crap. I'm sick of life.

I'm sick of having gotten nowhere in life.

I'm sick of never been shown any encouragement or support in what I would like to do.

I'm sick of losing those I am close to.

I'm sick of people not listening to me when I suspect something is wrong.

I'm sick of thinking that women are interested in me then find out they're only pretending because they think it's fun.

I'm sick of sweet innocent lives me lost.

I'm sick of politicians getting away with crimes.

And I'm totally sick of my parents saying to just leave it alone because there's nothing I can about it.

Hopefully I have a face-to-face appointment with my counselor next week.

Hi Adam,

We really care about you here on the forums and I am really glad that you have kept us up to date and continue to reach out.

Have you booked your appointment with your counsellor?

You mentioned feeling 'sick of life'. Are these ruminating thoughts? Can you ensure your safety? Please call Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636 whenever you are feeling down.

I'm here for you.

adamc
Community Member

I had my appointment with my counselor yesterday by phone, even though a face-to-face would have been better. I told her how for many years, my life has been crap and I have gotten sick of it. I'm thinking that every day. I am safe.

Dad has many health issues, some of which I believe he caused himself. These were caused because he did things he shouldn't have done and his excuse has always been "Well, I had no one there to help me." He never waits for the help.

Hi Adam,

Thank you for always keeping us updated. How was your appointment yesterday with your counsellor?

I'm sorry to hear about your dad's health issues. That can be stressful to go through. Did you speak to your counsellor about this also?

I also noticed that you changed your profile picture recently, correct me if I'm wrong but is that Zelda?

I'm here for you!

adamc
Community Member

My appointment went well. I told her what my life has become and do I really want to live it until old age? No I don't.

Last year, Dad chopped the top bits of some of his fingers off using a bench saw that for a long time hasn't had a safety guard on it. He did it in the morning when everyone was still in bed and it turned out the bench rolled while he was cutting some wood. His excuse was "Well, I had no one up to help me."

And then a couple of weeks later when he climbed up onto the roof to get our cat down, he slipped off the ladder and cracked his head on the concrete. Once again, he didn't make sure someone was at the ladder before he climbed down, which is basic safety procedure. I was told to get our cat inside so he didn't climb up again and mum and my sister just walked back inside before Dad was safely back down. That accident affected his sight and the hospital was supposed to organise rehab for him but so far, nothing has happened.

I'm glad you noticed my new profile pic. It's of the stunning elf Princess Nerwin from the movie "Throne of Elves".

I'm glad to hear that the appointment went well! I'm sorry to hear that you feel that way though. Are there things that you enjoy doing in your spare time that gives you joy or happiness? Any tv shows, books, movies, anything like that?

That would be really difficult for your father and also your family. How has he been recovering?

I've never heard of that movie! What is it about?

adamc
Community Member

I was completely different in my early school years than what I am like now. I never enjoyed being alone but I do now. When I was in high school, I had to decide what to do to spend the time and my imagination developed. I'd pick a movie and recite the dialogue while imitating the characters' voices. I enjoyed doing it and still do but whenever I do it at home, I get told to "Shut up". I also like coming up with film stories like fantasy tales or a classic war film spoof in the style of "Hot Shots!" and "Flying High!".

With Dad,his fingers have healed but since he hit his head, it seems it has affected his sight. He also gets very little sleep; he finds falling asleep easy but can't understand why he can't stay asleep for the whole night. He has no many health problems it's not funny.

"Throne of Elves" is a Chinese CG movie originally made as a sequel to "Dragon Nest". In the movie, Princess Nerwin who is now Queen after her band of humans, elves and mages defeated a black dragon, is taken captive by the evil elf Elena who seeks the mystical elven gem that will aid her in awakening all dragons from their slumber.

I have seen the movie numerous times, the scene in my profile pic especially, and noticed that it feels incomplete as due to studio disagreements, it had to be altered. I decided to take some scenes and make them how they would've been.

It sounds like you have a lot of creativity! You mentioned being told to 'shut up!' if you do it at home but what if you do it in your room where no one could hear you, would that allow you to recite the dialogue and imitate the voices?

Have you written down these film stories? That sounds really interesting!

Do you like to read? e.g. fantasy genre?

It's unfortunate that studio disagreements can change movies! I think that happened to Justice League as well. Did you write a film story about how the movie should have gone?

adamc
Community Member

Over the years, I have been told by many people I have a great imagination and I enjoy using it. I want to use it for whatever I do in life. Good luck with that though.

I get most of my ideas while I'm out walking by myself; thinking out loud is the best way. For me, this is the best place to recite, out in the open air. Back in high school, I told one of my friends what I enjoyed doing in my spare time at lunch by myself and when I told him about reciting dialogue, he asked for an example. I did a few and all he said was "Oh my god! How do you do that?" Mum isn't very kind about it. I could be imitating Darth Vader or Daleks from "Doctor Who" and all she says is "Shut up! You're not..." AS you can imagine, this does wonders for my confidence and self-esteem. To be honest, I lost those years ago.

I've jotted down some ideas for stories; for one, I wrote just various scenes that I came up with on the spot. It's not finished yet. The princess' name is Shara (love that name). I've used it in a number of fantasy tale ideas. She's the kind of princess who is sweet, kind and loved by all, not the type who are very full of themselves who have let their power and position go to their head.

I do enjoy reading fantasy (elves, witches, fairies) although the ones I enjoy most are female-oriented ones. I have read/or enjoy reading the "Throne of Glass" novels with Aelin Galathynius, "Sophia: Princess Among Beasts" and the "Court of Thorns and Roses" series. For me, I prefer female heroes like Wonder Woman, Supergirl, Zatanna over male heroes. That's why for my fantasy stories, the woman is the main character.