Having nothing in life

[Cee123]

Hi guys, I just need someone to talk to about how crappy I feel.

I have a massive sense of failure in my life and I feel completely stuck, I have ongoing loneliness, years of unemployment, no friends, no partner, I'm 35 soon and I should be married with kids but I have nothing and I feel like time is running out. I live at home with my parents still. They are my only real source of support. I don't have anybody else. And if I lived alone I would've lost it by now and probably taken my own life. I have depression, social anxiety... I've always been single all my life and I can't find anybody. I haven't worked in over 10 years because at my last job which was a deadend job in housekeeping I was bullied and called a retard and this caused ongoing mental health issues. Just a couple of years ago, I started going to the gym with my cousin. I'm currently still going to the gym and this has lifted my spirits a bit. It took me a long, long time before I could even go into a gym. But now I'm running out of money, and I feel like I won't be able to afford it anymore. I don't know what to do for money. I am painfully shy and awkward to even talk to people much of the time. I have been applying for jobs online and heard absolutely nothing back. I have seriously low self-esteem. I just feel sad. I have a dog who's 16 years old now who I can't even take for walks anymore because she's on her last legs. She's like my child.

I've been to therapists about my depression and they haven't helped. I've also been on medication which has helped a little bit. I went off it for about a year because I didn't like the side effects. Now I feel like I'm going to need it again. I don't know what to do with my life. I feel depressed and lonely all the time, no one talks to me anymore, I don't go anywhere because I have nowhere to go. Even at the gym it feels like I have no association with anyone. I'm posting here, I hope I won't get judged or abused because I've abused on forums before and it's been horrible.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Cee123,

Welcome to our valued online community. We're so sorry to hear how stuck you're feeling right now. It sounds like you've been feeling quite lonely as well - we hope that being part of our online community will be of some comfort to you.

You might be interested in some of our pages for ideas, such as “Loneliness” and “Four tips to handle social anxiety in the moment”

It may also be helpful to join a support group to try and build a social network in your area.​​​ You can find information on support groups available on the Black Dog Institute site here - https://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/resources-support/support-groups/

You've mentioned a few different aspects of your life that you're unhappy with here. It's good to have an idea about what you'd like to change and what kind of life you'd like to move towards. We'd also encourage you to take things one day at a time - celebrate little everyday accomplishments and personal growth, such as having a positive interaction with someone you don't know well.

We're sorry to hear that you have experienced abuse on forums before. These forums are moderated, which means that abusive behaviour will not be tolerated or published. If you see anything abusive, you can report this to the moderation team using the 'report' button.

Thank you so much for having the bravery to share your story here. Hopefully a few of our members will be by over the next few days to welcome you.
 

[Cee123]

Thank you. Yeah the loneliness over the years has been chronic and ongoing. Even when I'm out somewhere amongst a crowd of people, there's a loneliness there. And I see a bunch of people interacting and I don't know any of them, they don't know me and I'm not involved in any of their lives.

I have a lot of aspects about my life that I wish I could change. Things that I've tried to change over the years but feel like I've fallen flat on my face more times than I can count. There's a certain depression caused by not achieving the things I wanted to achieve at this age and feeling like an absolute failure. And I guess a sense of mourning. It just feels like I'm going through the motions everyday with no purpose or meaning. And sometimes I wonder what the whole point of everything is.

[Sophie_M]

 
Dear Cee123,

We’re so grateful to have you reach out to our community this morning and are so sorry to hear everything you have going on at the moment. Times like this can definitely get overwhelming . We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you. 

We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).
Keep checking back in with us whenever you feel up to it. 
 

[geoff]

Hello Cee, and a warm welcome to the forums.

Every time you feel as though you want to achieve anything in life, especially at the moment, and it's not done, either because you don't have the strength to do so or perhaps the want is there but you have no desire to follow through only increases your negativity, which in turns drains any motivation and when this happens a couple of times a day, then your will vanishes.

If you don't mind me asking could living with your parents be contributing to your state of mind?

If you make a mistake or aren't able to achieve something on your own, can put a blanket over you making you feel, 'what's the point I'll only fail at anything I try to do'. What might help is to gain a greater sense of yourself and know that there is more meaning in your life and start to approach your situation in another direction.

For example, and I don't mean any harm, once again, when you start to ride a bike, your parents or a sibling hold onto the bike to get you started, simply because we're too frightened to try by ourself, then finally let usgo, apprehensively we can do it until wefall over, so the process is done again until finally, we don't want assistance because we can do it alone.

What they tell you to do, you ignore and ride all day long, this is what may need to be done now, branch out by yourself, make decisions by yourself and learn to live, but you need help with your depression which maybe the cause of feeling this way.

You can always contact your doctor and ask about the mental health plan, this entitles you to 10 Medicare paid sessions per year, although now you could have extra sessions, ask your doctor.

Hope to hear back from you.

Geoff.

[Cee123]

I try to do things on my own but I don't know how, and that leads to further feelings that I've failed as an adult. And I suffer from this terrible severe anxiety as well as social anxiety disorder. And a therapist years ago said maybe even mild Asperger's but I don't know. But I'm trying to figure out what I can do. I'm losing sleep. I had a breakdown years ago as a result of being bullied at my last job and having people spread hurtful rumours about me behind my back. I also suffered a lot of bullying at school, which I think caused these fears of being around people. And that caused continuing low self esteem, anxiety and depression and probably PTSD as well. Now the thought of getting another job is killing me. I've been living on my savings for years, now I don't have the money anymore, I don't know what I'm going to do. I thought about going back on tablets for depression again but I don't know how I'm going to afford it. My doctor did put me on a mental health plan, with medication my depression was starting to do better and the gym has helped a lot so I thought I didn't need it anymore and I didn't follow through. I got lazy. Now I'm embarrassed about going back. I don't know how well I'm going to be received anywhere I go, and that's the part that kills me - feeling that people don't like me.

I have a father who's very negative and put both myself and my brother down our whole lives. Stopped us from doing a lot of things. He never told us anything positive or offered any encouragement. My mother has done everything to try and help me over the years, to try and get me psychological help etc and she has been amazing, she has been my only support really. Without her, I don't know where I'd be. My brother is doing well for himself, he's a painter finished an apprenticeship which he finished over 7 years, even bought a house with his friend which he is doing up. My father tried to stop him from buying it, telling he's going to end up in debt etc and that he's stupid. I'm glad my brother's friend talked him into it. I told my father that I have no money the other day and that I might need to get a job... He told me "you won't get a job" which I was very hurt by.

[Cee123]

I dont really get close to people because I'm scared people will judge me by what little i have in life and what little I've done with my life. And i have had a lot of people who have judged me, bullied me and criticized me. But they dont understand the issues ive had or the things ive been through. And that leads to further feelings of isolation.

[geoff]

Hello Cee, thanks for getting back to us, that's a great strength starting there and important for you to be able to communicate with people who won't criticise you, OK you don't know who we are or what we look like but in reality does that matter, not at all, it's talking with other people and that's terrific.

What I would do is block your father out from anything you think will help you, he's only going to criticise you every way possible, he doesn't need to know and even if you discuss your ambitions or what is troubling you, there is every chance she is not going to discuss what the two of you have talked about.

He might be only contributing towards how you feel and if you're suffering from depression, try and talk about medication again with your doctor and if you need to change AD's then there are many different types you can try, all you need is for one to be able to get you started.

Please get back to us.

Geoff.

[Cee123]

I don't know how I'm going to afford it. I'm thinking maybe to apply for jobseeker. But with the level of anxiety and depression that I'm having I'm doubting my ability to work full time. And my depression worsens severely in winter to the point where I can't even get out of bed. I will see what I can do, my usual doctor is only available this Saturday seems like he's got some time off. Thanks Geoff. You've been a massive help to me. You've been a support to me where a lot of others haven't. I don't know, I've been feeling like I'm too old to get anywhere in my life, that time is running out, and it's going to be a slow and painful journey just to get anywhere that I want to be. I feel like things will never change and that I'm always destined be a rejected failure.

[Ggrand]

Dear Cee 123..

This is a very caring and kind community and I’m so glad that you have joined us...Definitely no judgement or bullying from the beautiful members here...

I can understand your loneliness and isolating yourself due to anxiety...It’s strange isn’t it we can be overwhelmed with loneliness knowing our anxiety is doing this to us..but cannot do much about it.....It really is good that you can manage to go the gym...maybe in the near future you will find someone their that you can form a friendship with...I mean that if you see the same person each time you go...as hard as it is maybe a beautiful smile with a hello might start a friendship off....

Please don’t hold back from reaching out to your Dr..if you feel the meds will help...many people do try at different times to go off them...I’m one of those people...and had to reach out to my Dr...and psychiatrist for help to get back on them...

Just a very gentle suggestion....I am wondering if you could talk to Centrelink about how they can help you by applying for benefits to help you out financially until you’re able to find some paid work...If you have a friend, maybe they can go with you for support.....Well done on applying for jobs..that can be very difficult with mental health struggles...I do one day a week volunteering at an op shop..when I first started my anxiety was so bad I would disappear into the ladies rest room and have a bit of a cry..it started getting easier for me the longer I went..now I can manage that really good most times....maybe volunteering a day or two a week might give you a feeling of achieving something good..and it might lift your self esteem knowing your doing something to help other people...

Please don’t ever think that your destined to be a rejected failure.... The only thing we can do in life is our best...our best is all we have....

I have a thread titled..”small achievements you managed to do today”......it’s a good place to put any small achievements you’ve done even if it’s just getting out of bed...that in itself is ver hard to do some days...

I hope you continue to post here..and keep us updated on how you’re feeling..

My kindest thoughts and caring wishes..lovely Cee.

Grandy..