GUILTY AS CHARGED!!!

Emily_Grace · ‎02-10-2016

This is the first time for me so please excuse any mistakes or even if I have the wrong forum.

I have suffered deep depression and high anxiety for over 60 years (completely hidden for over 45 of them), and I don't think I have ever been so down as I am at the moment. This is just all too hard for me to deal with.

I have just had to admit my husband to a nursing home as I could not deal with the stress of his illness anymore. He has Parkinson's disease and, as he aged, the more it progressed. I promised him years ago that I would look after him until the day he died but, unfortunately, I have had to break that promise. Now I live with the extreme guilt of that decision.

It just breaks my heart to visit him and tell him he can't come home. It has been four weeks now and the pain is still there and nothing I do will make it stop. My brain is racing with all the thoughts that come with the fact that I have let him down.

Everybody keeps telling me I have done the right thing and I have to think about my own health. That is cold comfort when he was the very person who was there for me through many suicide attempts. I couldn't even do that right as I stuffed them all up and alienated my children who just could not handle a mentally ill mother. I still deeply love each one of them, but the mother child relationship is broken and I don't know how to fix that.

At first, my anxiety took over and I was too hyper to be depressed, but I knew it was there. The blackness was still underneath me awaiting my fall. When I did crash, bed was my only comfort and, most days, that is where you will find me living on powdered milk and apples.

I am not a suicide risk at the moment as my husband needs me and I think I have to live to keep punishing myself for what I have done.

Oh, will the pain from my actions ever stop? This is one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with and I know he would never have done this to me. He is a beautiful, gentle man who deserves better.

Thanks for listening.

Emily_Grace · ‎04-10-2016

Hi Mark, Yes, just being able to write my thoughts down and understand what I am thinking instead of going over and over them in my head has helped. Also, to have others who understand my thinking is a very rare thing especially in my family.

I actually found an avocado at the back of the fridge and put it on some SAO biscuits for my dinner so that is a really good plus for me. I still ate them in bed. Have a little way to go in that department.

Thanks again for your support and I have really taken on board what you have all said to me especially the "mindfulness" and breathing techniques. The old "OCD" negative thinking is a big hurdle and I can't face fighting with it yet so shall wait until it is on "standby mode".

I have found that trying to stop it just accelerates the process and I get nowhere. It will just, one day, be not as loud so I just build on that one moment when it's back is turned. That is progress for me and that's when I shall try to climb out of this dark and lonely state that I find myself in at present.

Thanks again,

Emily Grace.

geoff · ‎05-10-2016

dear Emily Grace, a great comment by Mark when he says 'the more we fall over then we make small adjustments so we don't make the same mistake', because it means we are determined to do this deep down.
Your OCD negative feeling could be related to your anxiety, and yes it is a big hurdle to overcome, but I'm not sure that we can ever conquer this, rather than just cope with it, because if indeed you do have this illness then admitting your husband into a nursing home is only going to make it much harder for you to accept, because your mind is set by and does go against your what your OCD is telling you what you should have done.
To relate this feeling to anyone who doesn't have OCD is like driving your car on the wrong side of the road and how anxious you would feel and compare this with someone who does have OCD who always wants the kitchen bench's to be kept cleaned, but for some reason you not able to do this, this then produces an enormous amount of anxiety where you won't feel comfortable until the bench's are cleaned, that's the strength it has.
If you would like to talk about these negative feelings then please do so, as I've had OCD for 56 years. Geoff. x

MarkJT · ‎05-10-2016

Emily, your awareness and insight into your own battles is great. Realising what you can and cannot do is exceptional and a really powerful took to use.

Keep going on this road that you are on and you will come out of the darkness. What is also showing out is your positivity, i love it. Even in the most darkest of times, we can always find a positive somewhere. No matter how small it is, it is a positive.

Keep going!!!

Mark.

White_Rose · ‎05-10-2016

Hello Emily

Yes, hindsight is a wonderful thing. Of course what we really need is foresight but that does not work in the way we would expect. Foresight can only tell us what might happen in the future, not what is going to happen because it all depends on what we do. Have I bamboozled you as well as myself?

Mindfulness is a great tool to use. So also is meditation. Both are simple but not easy to master. I have been mediating for many years but each time I come to meditate it is a new beginning.

One of my biggest problems is the belief I can do anything, overcome any obstacle and get to the other side. Sadly I have found this to be untrue, or gained at great cost to myself, just like you.

I have suggested you see your GP and get some grief counselling. Is this something you will do? You have commented that you need to stay alive to punish yourself and I am sad about this. If I may make an observation, punishing yourself will keep you in the dark place where you are. Unfortunately it will not help your husband. I understand you have little regard for your own well-being because you feel unworthy. Well everyone who has answered you says you are very worthwhile. But think of this, how will you get to see your husband if you stay unwell? He needs you to be well in order to visit him and attend to all his wants.

Emily, please chat to your GP and tell him/her what is worrying you. Talk to a counsellor about your husband. It will be a relief for you and help you to care for him.

Writing your thoughts is great. Even when I have made a decision I write down all the pros and cons. Very helpful.

Take good care of yourself.

Mary