Guilt, rage and emotional rollercoasters

[relatereality]

Hi, I am very new to this and have read through many other threads (which have been great in making me feel like I am not alone) but I just felt I should write a thread to see if anyone else would relate or if what I'm feeling even makes sense, or if I'm just being overdramatic.

Anyway, ive found that lately my rollercoasters of emotions have been that much more draining. Thinking back through my memories I recall times where I was over-hyper, to the point it was incredibly embarrassing and left people almost uncomfortable. Or periods where I was depressed and turned to going out every weekend and over indulging in everything I really shouldn't be.

But lately day to day life has just become confusing. Working shifts have become a period of intense happiness and then just dull separation from my surroundings. I am either happy or incredibly full of rage, taking it out on my family and arguing so intensely over minute things that the neighbours can hear and I then sit in my own shame. Small inconveniences in my relationships and upsetting people have left me wanting to remove everyone from my life and run away. I would love to sometimes live in a void of nothingness, which sounds silly but I am paranoid of everything. I push people away based on my own preconceptions for months at a time. I live with someone who is experiencing their own detrimental problems and seeing this makes me want to take control and steer my life in a better place than theirs.

I'm worried that my emotions are starting to take more of a hold of my life - how I act in the workplace and my relationships. Usually I would be able to keep these things to myself. I fear that ultimately i'll reach a level of chaos and leave destruction behind that I will never be able to clean up and that everyone will view me as a horrible person. But I have a heart and all I want to give is love yet all that comes out is neglect for others or crazy highs where I would be able to take over the world and succeed and that nothing really matters because I perceive myself as a future godlike person. That sounds so very silly but I dont know where these emotions come from cause it isn't who I really am or want to be.

Im rambling at this point but if anyone has any idea on how I can dampen these waves that seem to take over me I would love to talk to you and discuss anything that may come to mind 🙂

[White_Rose]

Dear Relaterality

Hello and welcome to the forum. So pleased you have found your way here. Know that we are non-judgmental and kind people. This is a safe place for you to talk. There are Community Rules to protect other posters and yourself. You can find them at the top of this page.

I doubt very much you are silly. I do think you are unwell and want to be well again. You said you went from one emotional extreme in your relationships to the other, and fear your self. I think you need some professional help. We can talk to you and support you but we cannot diagnose a mental ill-health problem. You need to see your doctor and get a referral to either a psychologist or psychiatrist. Get your GP to explain the different medical people and especially the refunds from Medicare.

Please see your GP soon and get that referral. What you have described can be the effects of depression or some other mental illness. Whatever it is the first step is to get a diagnosis and then a treatment plan. Please do not be afraid that you are crazy or anything of this nature. However I think you should get an expert diagnosis and go from there.

You are very distressed at the moment. That comes loud and clear from your post and I am sorry you are having such a rough time. I know how difficult it can be to have these feelings and then feel so out of control that you scare yourself. It's not a good place to be. Roller-coast ride with your emotions and how this affects you is hard to manage. I suggest you print off your post above and take it to your doctor. It explains how you are feeling and how afraid you are that your emotions are getting out of control. It's an easier and quicker to keep your doctor informed in this way rather than having to describe how you feel and perhaps forget some of them.

I expect your doctor will have other questions about your mental health. Please do not be afraid to answer fully. Always remember you can post here for support.

Mary

[therising]

Hi relatereality

I'm wondering whether you've come to find yourself to be naturally an easily inspired and excited person who's easily triggered into lows. The reason for me wondering is because I can relate to this as being part of my own nature.

There are times where I have to consciously 'filter' my highs so they don't leave me beating myself up, into a low. For example, I can have some brilliant inspired idea that might cost a bit. It's tempting to say 'It'll be right. There's income being generated every week. I'll buy this and then build the bank account up later'. Switching my filter on can ground me to 'This is currently unaffordable if you want some money put away for a rainy day'. Either I'll not buy that thing or I may look for a cheaper version as a compromise. It can be incredibly challenging not to buy the thing that excites me, as I thrive on excitement. I actually love hyperactive excitement. It leaves me feeling seriously connected to life and on a high. I love the momentum that high creates. I've found being a 'go with the flow' hyper person without a filter creates problems. A balance of relaxed activity is also incredibly important, so as not to experience burn out (into a low).

Being sensitive, the smallest things can trigger me. 'You're a little out of control' can be a trigger. It implies I'm not managing. It can actually anger me, so I get where you're coming from with the anger. I've learned to question a lot in the process of coming to know myself. When someone triggers me, I try to remain conscious that they're triggering me to question/greater consciousness rather than escalating anger/intolerance. You could say every time they're triggering me they're leading me to wonder.

• If someone says 'You're too hyper', I wonder what's wrong with that. I question 'What's wrong with that?' Much of the time I'm met with the response 'I don't know'.
• If someone says 'I prefer you when you're a little more sedate', I'm triggered to wonder why they prefer I was not so happy. This happened often when I first came out of my years in depression. I question 'Why would you prefer I was vibing low?'
• If someone says 'Why are you so angry', I'm triggered to wonder what I am being intolerant of and am I justified when it comes to not tolerating it.

It's almost like people just love commenting on our emotions. Being sensitive enough to feel that hyperactive energy in your body is exciting. It's hard not to be excited. It is a challenge to master it.

🙂

[therising]

Hi relatereality

Forgot to mention that if you can identify what triggers a sudden 'power surge' this is of benefit. Whether it's the right kind of inspiration which leads you to take off self limiting filters or it's something else shifting your chemistry, it can involve a bit of detective work. Even something as simple as drinking more water than usual can shift our chemistry. Good hydration can get our cells vibrating faster and more efficiently, raising our 'vibe'. Once we're excited on a cellular level, we can be excited overall. Can you identity anything you do differently or any unique experience before you become hyper active? Even taking note of whether you cycle through the same set of emotions every time can be revealing. For example, the cycle could go...inspiration, hyperactivity, anger, guilt/self chastisement and sadness for a time before returning to inspiration and 'round it goes again.

[relatereality]

Hi Mary,

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply, it really means a lot. I had a look at the guidelines too, were great at introducing me to how this all works.

To keep this short, I'm going to take a visit to my GP. I had seen a psychologist in the past and i think printing that off exactly is a great idea, i am going to do exactly that.

Thank you very much

[relatereality]

Hi therising,

I also thank you very much to take the time to write this out. I really appreciate you resonating with me. What you described is what constitutes part of my nature, and then brings me to emotions where I'm left questioning how i was brought there in the first place.

I want to remain conscious of the events that are happening around me, and not jump into the deep end of whatever I can conspire as reasoning. I think this wondering is sometimes intimidating to me - maybe leading me to feel depressed, or angry which I feel is easier to live in.

The scenarios that you brought forward have really helped in approaching my way of thinking to change for the better. I do wonder why people like me more sedate and can't confront changes. I think it is easier for them in a sense. I am trying to learn to live every day for myself first, and with that, I can in turn benefit and help those around me when I can help myself.

Come to think of it I think a lot of my surge of energy and inspiration originates from my thoughts, excitement for the future and my possibilities, and then dampened when I convince myself I'm possible of nothing and replay feelings of guilt as almost punishment for hope.

I am probably going to take a visit to my psychologist again, and start a journal, which I am most excited about. If I can identify this cycle of thoughts, and just start jotting down the exact thoughts go through maybe I can understand before it is too late and I become stuck in them for periods of time. I think I will start listing the scenarios/events, emotions, and triggers to begin to master them. Even writing these thread posts have given me peace of mind which I thank you, Mary and beyondblue for 🙂

Thank you again!