Dealing with Guilt and Separation

niko22 · ‎13-09-2020

Hey everyone, I've been really struggling with the negative impact I've had on someone else's life and the separation anxiety and feelings of guilt that has come of it. I have recently stopped talking to my ex-girlfriend, We dated for 2 years and for the most part it went well however i was not totally engaged towards the end of it and made some terrible decisions that tore us apart and eventually ended the relationship. What hurt the most was we still had love for one another after the breakup, even despite the fact of what I had done to her as well. I was holding onto her because I still loved her and wanted to make things work but I knew that the destruction I had caused was too much for her and that i had to let go. Things ended peacefully and we both gave one another the closure we desired but I just can't shrug the pain.

This has been really hard for me and it hasn't been the first time something like this has happened to me. I am pursuing professional help and have made conscious efforts to try and rid myself of the negative behaviours that keep leading me into these predicaments, but letting go of her and processing the guilt is proving difficult. Has anyone else gone through something similar and have any advice to give?

smallwolf · ‎13-09-2020

Hi and welcone. I have not been through what you you are going through, so perhaps not in a position to give advice. I can listen to you tell your story and respond.

I am sorry to read what you are going through at the moment. There is a hole in your life at the moment as a result of the breakup. I also want to acknowledge that you are also looking for the help which will help you to work through the thoughts and feelings you have about this etc. I am unsure what you might have done and when you talk to a professional you might work out where these behaviours come from.

I hope you will come back and tell more of your story. You might not have to write it out here, but journaling your thoughts and also be helpful.

Tim

Tangney · ‎14-09-2020

Hi niko22. Gee it seems like you feel really guilty. In my humble opinion, as an old lady, if this is your first break up, do you have the courage to front up and try to get your girl friend back (as nicely as possible)? Even if you have done the wrong thing, cheated, or whatever, in the long run, if you are honestly remorseful, and are meant to be together, you should find out if all is lost before giving up all together. If, however, it's all happened for the best, them move on and forget about it. But it seems like you should take some steps to resolve it, even if only so you know for sure.

niko22 · ‎14-09-2020

Hey Small Wolf and Tangney, thanks for your responses.

I am currently seeing a Psychologist and we are taking a humanistic approach to my recovery as well as looking into some of my past traumatic events which align towards problems around sex which I think may be the cause of a lot of my relationship problems, especially the cheating. I have tried my hardest to win her back Tangney but I understand some people can only take so much. All I can do is let her have her space and worry about myself I guess. I guess I need to stop focusing so much on all of the memories we shared because I know that is what is continuing to upset me, and instead focus on making myself a better person who can control the impulses so that I won't make similar mistakes in the future.

And to your mention on journalling smallwolf, I have started one and find it does help to release the tension, should of done it years ago 🙂

one thing that makes me sad is I feel that there is probably not a lot of men that come on here and talk about their guilt or other mental pathologies, and that they choose to hide them or just 'shrug it off'. I truly believe that as a culture we need to start putting a lot more emphasis on men's mental health because subsequently a lot of the issues with men have disastrous consequences towards women and children. I'm sure I'm not the first to have thought of this but it doesn't hurt to reiterate it hey?

Thank you for your Support guys, I appreciate it!

smallwolf · ‎14-09-2020

Hi. Sometimes you have to work on you first. I think that is what you implied in your response to Tangney. If there is a pattern is some of the things you do and these negatively impact on your relationships, it might be better to look at those and make yourself the better person as you said.

As for the number of men that come here, I cannot really say. With many of the user names it can be hard to work out the gender, and that does not take into the account the posts I don't look at. As for re-iterating it... that's cool! One day there may not be a stigma to getting help.