Girl pushed me away for being nice and caring

[user981]

So this girl used to be extremely close with me then things started going downhill... she started being different. She says she's got depression which I think is from other guys in the past which have hurt her and this may be a reason why she does certain things. She always brings me close and then pushes me away. She's told me she's scared we will get close again and she doesn't want to be that close so she pushes me away. (I've tried telling her that I don't want to be that close and just want to be friends) it's confusing what she does, one moment we are talking good and are happy and then the next moment she's pushing me away and says she doesn't want to talk to me. I don't get what causes her to be nervous after she seems very comfortable and happy to talking. Some reasons which she mentioned were that she gets nervous, she is uncomfortable, she doesn't want to get too close again.

She told me that she is not used to someone caring so much for her and says she is nervous and scared. She also said:
"i know there aren’t many nice people in life. but i’m not used to it and it’s scary"

"I don't like it"

"i know it sounds dumb to push someone away who’s nice to you but it’s overwhelming"

"i don’t want to be hurt but i’m not used to people treating me this good and it sounds dumb but i don’t like it"

So that's what she said... I have given up on chasing her and I said I won't talk to her but I will always be here if she needs anything. Anyone know why she says that and thinks that way though? Will she realise maybe that she has lost someone good in her life?

[Tangney]

Hi User981, It's difficult to say without knowing the person, but I suggest that she may have a problem with trusting people. Perhaps she's had bad experiences. Some of her comments seem to indicate this. Do you know much about her family or other friends?

[user981]

She has been hurt by other guys in the past, and her friends aren't exactly true friends I don't think. They sometimes upset her and do stuff that makes her sometimes feel unhappy.

[geoff]

Hello User981, a situation like this is upsetting because all you want to do is understand what's actually happening and how you maybe of some help, where she doesn't have any other support.

Sometimes this maybe done due to past relationships, when personal information has been exchanged with the result not being so good and her heart being broken, this is by what she has said 'not used to people treating me this good and it sounds dumb but i don’t like it" .

If she has depression, then a person suffering from this can not be identified as having a regular mood, being through this myself, it's impossible to know what reaction you will get as it's not a stable one.

Keep building the trust and the confidence she needs and to reassure her that you want to listen to her and help her over this, you could be the only person she wants to speak with.

Geoff.

[White_Rose]

Hello User981

Welcome to the forum. I can see you are in a difficult position, wanting to help but unsure how to do this. It is very common for people with depression to push away those who would like to help. It can be overwhelming to find someone who cares and is willing to just walk with them.

Then of course there are her previous encounters with those who have hurt her in some way. We often carry those scars for a long time until we learn to put them to one side, which is not an easy task.

I think for your friend it is the responsibility of maintaining her end of the friendship that worries and confuses her. I believe everyone who has had depression can relate to this.

Do you know if she is getting any help with her depression? It sounds as though she could do with a professional mental health person to guide her through this very confronting situation. Confronting because it can be hard to tell another what's on their mind, to open up enough to let someone see the hurt, to ask for help without feeling it may be an empty promise.

It does not matter if the thoughts are not logical. Depression is not logical. All the uncertainty and fear engendered by the memories of past abuse and hurt keep coming back to haunt the person. They both long for comfort and reassurance and feel afraid to trust yet another person who may let them down and cause further hurt. It is such a hard situation for them.

It may help you to read up about depression. Beyond blue has some great fact sheets which you can find under The Facts and Get Support tabs at the top of the page. You can download any of these. There are also some booklets which you cannot download but must send for. There is no charge for these. One in particular may be especially helpful as it for family and friends, helping them to understand depression. I suggest you get one or two copies.

I think it's not that your friend dislikes the care you show. I think she is afraid of it ending in hurt yet again. If I may suggest, simply treat her in the way you would any friend. Accept what she says without trying to show she is wrong. Just hang in there offering friendship when she needs it. Accept what she says no matter how illogical it sounds.

I do suggest you try to get her to see a psychologist. She can get a mental health plan from her GP which entitles her to ten consultations with the psychologist. Get her to talk to her GP which I think will be a non-threatening consultation. Go from there.

Mary