From nothing to a major depression relapse in three days.

[Berrelam]

I should probably preface this by saying that late November I lost my best friend to a new relationship with a partner that seems possessive, and stop there, because my open opinions on her would get this post blocked.

Feel free to call me Bel or Sam. They/them pronouns are fine.

Three days ago is when it started. Out of the blue, I was listening to a song that reminded me of the events, and I brushed it off as a coincidence. It still felt kind of bad to have the thought/memory of losing a friend of seven years, but I figured, if he's happy, it's worth it. I'd assume he's happy, because he hasn't contacted me about him breaking it off with her.

Yesterday wasn't as good. I could feel my mood slipping, slowly but surely. Like holding onto a weight that's just a little too heavy. I was reading through Tearjerker tropes (it's a hobby) and thinking that I could relate to people's experiences in video games (which is/was my main escape). The voice in your head that's the harsh truth -- can be helpful, can be hurtful -- bluntly made me remember that no, I can't. It's a long, long story. I ended that night in a depressive low I haven't been in for almost five years, then drinking myself back to happiness. Bed at 3:45 am.

Then I woke up this morning. I didn't want to get out of bed. I slept another three hours, woke up, couldn't get back to sleep, stayed for half an hour before moving to Google to find anything that might help. I figured I may as well make an account here, so here I am, pouring out my feelings (or lack of) in the hope anyone can help.

I don't want to eat, I don't want to drink. Saying I don't want to do anything is probably frustrating to hear, but it's true. I haven't been to a psych in thirteen years, haven't been on meds for ten. I don't want to start either again.

I don't know where I'm going or what I'm looking for, in this post or in general. I honestly don't know if there's anything to do or any place to go.

[Je55ica]

Hi Sam,

Just wanted to reach out to say Hi. I've been quite low over the past year for various different reasons all too much to even put down, plus I tend to bottle up but seem fine on the outside. I think sometimes all I wanted was to feel like someone, anyone for a short amount of time was thinking about me. So here I am for what it's worth doing that for you. I'm thinking of you and I hope that helps if even in the smallest of ways, but I truly am and wish you all the best.

Support always,

Jess

[james1]

Hi bel,

Losing friends is always hard, especially given the circumstances and how long you were friends for. But really we can only control our own actions and it sounds like your friend has made his choice for the moment.

Perhaps it might help if you explained what it is which is dragging your mood down. It is likely a combination of lots of things, but I am unsure whether it is the strong friendship you had, or perhaps a sense of loneliness, or just loss in general?

A visit to the GP or a counsellor to explain what is happening would not go astray. Or you could also try giving the BeyondBlue support line a call on 1300 22 4636.

There are many people who would love to help you through this. Many places to go, and many very supportive people. You've already done a great thing by coming here, so please feel welcome to post a reply if you feel comfortable.

Hi Jess,

Welcome to you too and thank you for posting on Bel's thread here. That's wonderful of you even though you are feeling very low as well. You mention you bottle things up...can I suggest you see if you feel ready to start your own thread with your story so others can lend you some support?

Please don't feel pressured to though. It is nice to see you on the forums here regardless.

All the best

James

[Berrelam]

Thanks, Jess. I hope things improve for you soon, and if you want, I can lend an ear.

James, it's... a long story. Losing him was the breaking point, I guess, for years of events. I've been single since 2014, and lost my best friends at various points through 2015 and 2016, as well as getting into, and subsequently cutting off, various toxic relationships. He was my last true friend, so losing him... well, I'm sure you can imagine.

Between BPD and anxiety, making new friends is pretty hard, even online. As for loneliness, it's the only thing I'd actually classify as a fear. I'm honestly deathly afraid of being alone. At the same time, though, it's hard for me to open up to anyone, even psychs sworn to secrecy, because I have a constant feeling I'm being judged.

[james1]

Hi Bel,

Ah...that sounds like it was hard to even write here what's been troubling you. I have BPD as well so I can relate to your deathly fear of being alone. My depression is almost purely linked to my fear of being alone and left alone. So to have your friends fall away over the years, possibly (and I hope I am not drawing too many conclusions here, but it seems to be a common thing for people suffering from BPD) in a way pushed away purposely or accidentally, sounds really hard for you.

Do you still have psychologists that you see regularly? I am just about to start again for the year. My previous psych who I'm yet to actually tell that I've decided not to continue with was working on schema therapy with me. Have you done any specific therapy designed to help you cope with rejection and to mitigate some of these fears?

One of the things I've found is that when my previous relationship broke down, and I reevaluated my circle and noticed it had shrunk massively, I started desperately trying to cling onto existing ones which was getting a bit scary for people. I'd like to think that with therapy again, I can learn to be alone but not lonely.

Thanks for replying. I always breath a sigh of relief knowing that I'm not the only one! I hope you feel comfortable replying, but please don't feel pressured to say any more than you are comfortable with. I just wanted to reassure you that no one is judging you here, and I certainly won't.

James

[Berrelam]

I will admit, I did manage to push a few away, much as I didn't mean or want to. I haven't seen a psychologist since I was 11 or 12, which was for completely unrelated family issues. After he left (I think me moved to a different part of the country...?), I tried to continue with his replacement, but I didn't feel the same around her as I did him, which became a recurring theme every time I tried to open up to another, and eventually I just stopped trying.

I'm going to learn to drive sometime later this year, really just so I can drive myself to places I need to be, and hopefully find help, even if it's a few hours drive every week.

[james1]

Hi Bel,

I'm sorry to hear about how your more recent attempts to speak to a psychologist have turned out. It is very hard and I have also changed psychologists recently, and still not sure if I'm comfortable with the current one. It is so hard to find someone you feel comfortable with.

That said, I really suggest you consider giving new psychologists a go again. There are success stories online of people with BPD who have found psychologists who suited them. Often we can think that we're doing okay without one when life is going okay. However, as you've noticed, things can change in an instant and much of this is due to unresolved issues.

It sounds like you're quite far away and hence needing to drive. Is that a big factor in not being able to find a good psychologist for you at the moment?

James

[Berrelam]

I'd say it's a pretty big factor, yeah. Being in a tourist town, we have a few, but I feel like they'd be more suited towards... more regular things. Depression, anxiety, stuff like that.

Kind of off-topic, not sure which part of me is causing it, but conflicting thoughts have made an ugly return. They're honestly one of the biggest reasons I closed myself off in the first place. I do something only to regret it minutes later. I commit to doing something, then abandon it or forget about it...

There... was an incident, I was going to spoiler it, but I don't know if these forums allow it -- basically someone went to an extreme to cut everyone out of their life, myself included, only to return over a year later and apologise for it. It's come back into my thoughts because I can't help but feel like I was the cause, at least in part, and now it's happened again with my recent friend departure. That they used a new relationship and my paranoia as a convenient exit.

I don't know if it's true, I don't want to believe it is, but it's eating me up inside and makingme feel sick.

[james1]

Ah yeah, I know what you mean by having psychologists be more suited to regular things. It is tricky with BPD because it's so ingrained in who we are and isn't an episode, though certainly depression and anxiety rear their heads in episodes because of BPD triggers. Definitely a matter of needing to find someone who understands and knows about BPD.

I can also relate to what you say by doing something then regretting it minutes later. I am very impulsive and I do and say things without necessarily thinking. I also overthink things (which sounds like a contradiction...) afterwards and tear myself up about what I've just done. I think a lot of it has to do with trying to stop yourself from acting without thinking in the first place, then afterwards, reminding yourself why you did do it. And if it really was impulsive, just trying to be okay with that. It's easier said than done, but letting go of mistakes and just learning from them is so important I think.

That's not a good story about your friends. I'm sorry to hear about it. Is there anything in particular that makes you feel like you could be the cause? There could be many reasons unrelated to you and the person may just never have said the true reason because they wanted to keep that private.

James

[Berrelam]

I don't really wanna be blunt and say something like 'well, it's the illness and instability, it'd drive anyone out eventually' but... that's what it feels like. Even if I do mean well, I guess I have a tendency to be a bit overbearing at times. The mood swings speak for themselves. Even so, they were a source of encouragement and stability. Even getting used to it, if they found someone more... I don't think stable is the word I'm looking for, or normal. Just a personality and mind that clicks easier?

It's hard to tell unlucky coincidence from cause. It all happened around the time I was struggling with work and making huge changes. Reading my last post with a more stable and caffeinated mind, I'm pretty sure the first time wasn't my fault. It was too out of the blue. It's still hard to tell if this time was, though.

Back to BPD, the only qualified therapists/psychs/mental hospitals -- last might seem a bit extreme, but I've heard they're a lot safer and faster -- are around a 3 hour drive, not taking into account traffic. I'd be okay with a bus to train, staying in a hotel for a night (or two) then coming back, if I had the funds to. My family is understandably less than willing to drive that far, and then back again, for something they think is only depression. I'll be attempting to get my license later this year, really only for a form of ID and to be able to drive to things such as appointments.

Scrolling up I realised I already talked about driving. Whoops.

Something else I'm having issues with, and I'd possibly go so far as to call it the worst issue; the internet has no advice for dealing with letting out emotions healthily. The only advice is seeing a professional. Partially because of that, partially out of curiosity, I'm going to start documenting what I eat, how I feel throughout the days, see if there's some kind of recurring theme to my worse mood swings and eventual meltdowns. If you have any advice, though, I'm all ears.