From nothing to a major depression relapse in three days.

Berrelam · ‎13-01-2017

I should probably preface this by saying that late November I lost my best friend to a new relationship with a partner that seems possessive, and stop there, because my open opinions on her would get this post blocked.

Feel free to call me Bel or Sam. They/them pronouns are fine.

Three days ago is when it started. Out of the blue, I was listening to a song that reminded me of the events, and I brushed it off as a coincidence. It still felt kind of bad to have the thought/memory of losing a friend of seven years, but I figured, if he's happy, it's worth it. I'd assume he's happy, because he hasn't contacted me about him breaking it off with her.

Yesterday wasn't as good. I could feel my mood slipping, slowly but surely. Like holding onto a weight that's just a little too heavy. I was reading through Tearjerker tropes (it's a hobby) and thinking that I could relate to people's experiences in video games (which is/was my main escape). The voice in your head that's the harsh truth -- can be helpful, can be hurtful -- bluntly made me remember that no, I can't. It's a long, long story. I ended that night in a depressive low I haven't been in for almost five years, then drinking myself back to happiness. Bed at 3:45 am.

Then I woke up this morning. I didn't want to get out of bed. I slept another three hours, woke up, couldn't get back to sleep, stayed for half an hour before moving to Google to find anything that might help. I figured I may as well make an account here, so here I am, pouring out my feelings (or lack of) in the hope anyone can help.

I don't want to eat, I don't want to drink. Saying I don't want to do anything is probably frustrating to hear, but it's true. I haven't been to a psych in thirteen years, haven't been on meds for ten. I don't want to start either again.

I don't know where I'm going or what I'm looking for, in this post or in general. I honestly don't know if there's anything to do or any place to go.

james1 · ‎18-01-2017

Yeah I wonder sometimes whether I'll ever find anyone who can tolerate my oddities. Overbearing is certainly something that comes to mind for me as well. But maybe the better question for ourselves is: can we accept it ourselves? I know I isolate myself because I'm afraid people will react certain ways. I know I change my behaviour because people will react certain ways. But perhaps that's the problem: some people will always reject me, but if I can just be me and be confident being me...surely that's the goal. Maybe? I don't know. I think to place the blame on yourself is quite harsh on you, so it's nice to hear you're rethinking the first friend.

Oh damn that's far. Yeah, sorry...I don't really have anything to say on that.

Well I was working on something called schema therapy. And the idea is to try and understand your behaviours as not coming from who you are, but from unmet emotional needs as a child. For example, my parents were always absent and busy without any care for my thoughts and feelings. So I learnt that my thoughts and feelings were not valid, not worth voicing, and not even worth thinking about. So I sit on them and emotions build up which I try to ignore.

I think a diary is a good start. It's probably going to be uncomfortable and when I did it, I noticed I wasn't even dealing with my actual emotions. I wasn't letting them come out properly. I could talk about being sad but not feel sad. If you find yourself doing the same, it's okay. It just means your brain is scared and you don't feel safe. But perhaps with practice, you'll find the diary a safe place - just as a psychologist is meant to be a safe place - and the emotions will be able flow through properly.

How do you feel at the moment? It sounds like you're not necessarily excited by anything, but it's hard to tell through words on a screen.

James

Berrelam · ‎23-01-2017

I should probably wait until a better day/night to reply, but I'm here now, so. Honestly, I don't get excited about... anything I 'should'. I think the most recent thing was the release date of the Nintendo Switch. Before that... seeing Zootopia in cinemas? I could put it down to unfulfilled promises throughout my life, but I can't say for sure.

I've been keeping a mood diary, of sorts, to try and figure out if anything triggers anything. I've found a pretty glaring problem in that one of my only friends is the reason for any motivation I can build up to draw is crushed almost instantly, whether he means to or not. That aside, nothing's concrete yet. I feel I should write more, but honestly, I have nothing on my mind.

james1 · ‎23-01-2017

It sounds like you're feeling pretty numb? I find it interesting that you use the word should. My psychologist says I use it a lot more than others do and it's quite self deprecating.

Have you been keeping it up each day? It's something that maybe you can show your psychologist as well. I gave up pretty quickly to be honest.

So how do you know your friend? Most of my friend, and I can count them on two hands, are from all over the place. Primary school, uni, dancing.

Are you going yo buy the new Nintendo? Hopefully they go back to getting good games because that's where they've really struggled recently. I've got an xbox.

Berrelam · ‎26-01-2017

Numb would be a good word to describe it, yeah. I also feel like a lot of my 'should' comes from wanting to maintain some semblance of normality. As for the journal, last entry was... 11 days ago. I don't really feel like there's enough going on to write about on a daily basis.

The friend, as with... almost everyone I've known, I met online some six or seven years ago. Mental issues aside, my hobbies are less than relatable -- I'm an artist, but the content I draw is divisive, and since I'm not into sports or anything, it makes it harder to find like-minded people in reality. I'm big on gaming, but single-player games, or couch co-op. The worst part is, I was a social kid, but after moving house half a dozen times, it was tiring to meet people again.

As for the Switch, I have it on pre-order, looks like there's going to be heaps of great games coming to it.

Something that came to mind while writing this, couldn't figure out where to put it in -- it seems like the friend with a new girl has made the choice to remove me from where we used to talk, which rather than upset me, has actually made me feel better. Actually having an end, rather than leaving it open, is a huge weight off my shoulders.

As for a psych, because I'm continually thinking about it -- once Summer's over, I'll look into bus services and the like, see if anything can be arranged. The more I think about it, the more I feel like getting some past demons exorcised would do me good. If I can find an art therapist, even better.

james1 · ‎30-01-2017

Ah yeah I hate it when days go by and you kind of wake up to the fact that it feels like you've done nothing and felt nothing. I ended up just writing better worse or same after a while.

When you mention normality, what does that mean to you? I said that to my psychologist once and she asked me the same thing. All I could muster was not whatever I'm apparently doing wrong to make me unable to cope.

It's fine to not have a big group of friends I think. And having unique hobbies is interesting even if it doesn't earn you heaps of friends. I just think it's important to do what you like. But similarly being isolated is not fun either. What do you find tiring about meeting people?

Yeah it sounds like that friendship may have reached the end as many good things do. It's nice to hear that you seem to have come to accept it more.

I don't know much about art therapy. What about it do you feel like would help most? I like drawing but I always find it stressful haha. I think I'm too much of a perfectionist.

James

Berrelam · ‎03-02-2017

Normality... I guess... would be settling down, getting a job, all that. Not forgetting things, or having intrusive thoughts. Basically not suffering from a mental illness.

After typing that, and thinking about it, I've started to realise how skewed my childhood was.

Meeting people, and this might sound douchey, tires me out because I honestly can't be bothered making small talk. Listening to them about their job, or kids, or car, or... there's nothing I can relate to. If the topic of dogs comes up, I can go on for an hour or so, but that aside, nothing.

The only pro I can think of about art therapy is that I draw constantly, so I'd possibly feel more at home?

I'm making a lot of assumptions, I know, but... I mean, it's called art therapy.

james1 · ‎06-02-2017

What do you mean by skewed? Just...abnormal in terms of your family situation? It's strange how sometimes we just go along with things without realising that our situation might be quite a bit different to others!

Oh that makes total sense. If you have to pretend to be interested, it's no wonder it tires you out. Have you tried meeting more artsy type people then? It sounds like you'd have a bit more in common to talk about with them. Or even just other creative arts type hobbies.

I joined a writing Meet Up group before and it was nice to meet people, though I did find it stressful once I started to get bored of writing again. It's a bit frustrating having my interests change constantly!

Gazzas · ‎06-02-2017

Hi Bel,

Sorry to hear what you're going through. It doesn't sound like your fault. I diagnosed myself with BPD recently, and I'm also an art person. I like to draw and do 3D modeling. It seems like being artistic has something to do with the BPD.

I get really impatient with small talk as well. Being around people stresses me out like crazy. I know and hate the constant second guessing myself, extreme mood changes. I have been alone for a long time now. I mean at work you are around people but still feel alone. When I was younger I spent more time with people but it was always so painful and I ended up isolating myself, but I now realise being isolated leads to terrible depression. I am looking for a BPD support group but can't find one yet specifically for that.

Hey sorry if I am making you feel worse. I am making myself feel worse. Is therapy helping you james? Do you think this problem can be fixed?

Gazzas · ‎06-02-2017

Hey I also want to say I think those with BPD are an easy target for nasty manipulative people (NPD). I have experienced a lot of this including in my own family. I have only recently discovered the extent of all of that and it makes me sick to my stomach to think about. I feel sick right now just bringing it up. I had to stop reading about it because it drove me so low. I just wanted to say that people like us need to be very careful of who we let in to our lives I think.

james1 · ‎06-02-2017

Hey Gazzas,

I haven't found a BPD support group either which is frustrating, but I suppose that's how it goes.

Have you tried therapy before?

A previous psychologist tried to use Schema Therapy and DBT with me. We changed to DBT because I had a little bit of a crisis. I found schema therapy helpful because it helped me understand how I was acting in response to situations in a more...intellectual way I guess. But it didn't make it any easier. Still, I suppose the understanding was useful in helping me not hate myself too much.

The trouble I found was that I didn't really trust my psychologist not to accept me so I kept lying and eventually just left after Christmas.

The new psychologist is mostly going through my daily stuff that I'm struggling with. I don't really think it will help, but I don't know yet.

I guess I'd always recommend seeing someone and seeing what works for you. I mean, at the end of the day, the only certainty is we kind of suck at living like normal people haha. So if we don't get help, it's going to be pretty damn hard to figure it out alone. But I do think that people must eventually get to some level where they can function reasonably well. Perhaps my expectations have just been too high so far.

James