Following the breadcrumbs to improve mental health

[indigo22]

Hi everyone,

The last few months have been somewhat confusing as I have discovered more about my mental / physical health and how it has all been connected. I had not put the pieces together, I am not sure why, it seems so obvious now.

I have dealt with Dysthymia since about 12 and Major Depression since about 14 but was not diagnosed until my 40s and had no idea that had been the problem all along. I knew I wasn't like everyone else but thought I was just born that way. Back then mental health was not a subject that was openly discussed and the signs mostly went unrecognised and untreated. I had about 10 years of talk therapy with a social worker that helped immensely.

I have had a sensitive digestive system for a good portion of my life, not so much that I sought treatment, just things like indigestion with certain foods, bloating and the like. I suppose I thought everyone had those types of issues.

I have also had nervous system reactions over the past 15 years, like involuntary shaking in certain situations, that I had put down to getting older and being less resilient having been through a lot of difficult challenges.

I have been seeing a psychotherapist who also does somatic work (turns out you were right mmmekitty, I did need some more help). The first session of somatic work, in this case EFT (tapping), brought up a deep and long standing belief that I did not deserve to be helped. The emotions were buried so deep that I was not even aware of them. After that session things went haywire physically for a few days and took some weeks to start to settle.

Being the type of person who needs to have an understanding of what is happening and why, I have been reading many books on the symptoms I have had. That is when I began to join the dots about how interconnected by mental and physical health actually were. It has required a lot of processing on my part, and an acknowledgement of what I have been consciously unaware of, but it has been necessary to finding a way forward. This will be an ongoing journey as new symptoms show up that need to be looked at.

I know now that there is a lot of unreleased trauma in my body that is a contributing factor in not healing mentally or physically and I know now what needs to be done to improve. There is only so much that the medical profession can do, I believe the rest of the responsibility lies with us in digging deeper to find the causes and the answers. In many ways, that in itself becomes empowering.

Take care all.

indigo

[indigo22]

Hi ER,

I hope you are feeling a little better today, toothaches are very hard to ignore so completely understand. I recently had another abscess in my gum and got through it without antibiotics with a great product that I think I have mentioned previously. It is my miracle in a bottle for all my tooth problems and general inflammation. It is called TurmuricX is organic and has additional ingredients. Just look up Organic Turmeric which is the name of the website. Well worth trying providing it doesn't contain anything that your system is sensitive to.

I also meant to tell you that Puddin' must have got squished by his womb mates as he has the strangest formed ears. One is folded down like a Scottish Fold and the other is upright but curls backwards at the tip 😀.

I hope you are enjoying your time in Melbourne despite the toothache.

Warm hugs,

indigo 💜

[Eagle Ray]

Hi indigo,

Thanks for reminding me of the Turmerix powder. I will look into it. I think the tooth issue is entirely structural with no infection and mostly no inflammation, except for the fact that the integrity of the tooth may be finally starting to worsen after 5 years of being much the same. It’s much better today but it felt like biting into something last night pushed maybe a damaged part inwards that was pressing on a nerve. I just have to take great care when eating as it’s when I forget about it that I bite on that side and sometimes, when eating a harder food, it pushes into that tooth in a way that’s painful.

It’s sounds like you are having a tough time with the age care support. I have a bit of familiarity with such things from when my parents were still here but, yes, these things can be complex to navigate with a lot of paperwork, rules and systems to follow. I do understand very much what you mean about the difference between the GP and naturopath. I asked the GP about getting a vitamin B test which would have been Medicare covered, as the naturopath was interested to look at my levels. But she said she couldn’t support something that wasn’t evidence-based, so I ended up having to pay a lot for it with the referral from the naturopath. I later tried explaining to the GP that the naturopath has been profoundly evidence-based. Everything he’s done has been based on detailed microbiome testing, clinical research studies etc. That is far more than the GPs and two liver specialists I’ve seen have ever done, and it’s only what the naturopath did that brought my liver readings down and greatly improved my liver condition. It’s so frustrating that the GPs won’t collaborate with the naturopath. I’m glad at least your naturopath is looking into a few things and hopefully you’ll really get somewhere.

The two cats sound like real characters. They sound like a contrast with one being a bit underweight and the other a bit overweight. It’s early days so hopefully they will become closer and closer over time. Puddin’s ears sound delightful, like they add to his personality 😀 I’m staying with someone at the moment who has a little dog and he’s a lovely little character. It really is nice to have animals in the house, isn’t it.

I have been doing epic explorations of Melbourne. I tend to be quite driven and hyper-focussed, so I’ve covered a fair bit of ground already. I’m basically looking for a home and environment where there will be a sense of community and I won’t feel isolated like I do in my town. I can literally feel in my body when certain areas have a bit of a lonely feeling. Other areas I feel better in and like I’m part of humanity again. I feel in a weird kind of transitional space in so many aspects of my life.

I’m in a sunny spot at the moment in a park area on some grass. Your roses sound so lovely 🌹 I’m glad they are putting on such a lovely display.

Warm hugs to you too 🤗

ER

[indigo22]

Hi ER,

Merry Christmas, I hope you are having a lovely day how ever you are spending it.

I am just getting back into posting again, things have been weighing heavily of late but I feel I am making some progress with my health. I have noticed a slight increase in my energy, like I can keep going a bit longer before I am exhausted. Still having to pace myself but things do seem to be improving.

One thing that has given me some positivity is that I have lost so much weight since being on the organic food and I am now only 2.5kg from what has always been my normal weight. When I moved here I was 25kg over weight. I lost 10kg when I went vegan and asked my doctor to do a weight check this week while I was there, I have lost a whopping 14kg in the past 10 months by going organic. I am seriously making moves to grow my own food in the coming year as it can get expensive, but the rewards have been worth it. It's no wonder there are so many over weight people in the world, I shudder to think of the number of chemicals I have been consuming that have kept me heavy. I will finally be able to wear some of my favorite clothes that did not fit for the longest time.

How did you go in Melbourne? Did you spot an area you liked?

Please don't take this the wrong way, but I can't imagine why anyone would choose to live in Melbourne after having lived there all my life, I am so relieved I got out. I found the constant traffic jambs and hectic pace too overwhelming in the end. There are some lovely areas past Geelong along the Great Ocean Road that I would have been happy to settle in but they were out of my price bracket. One of my favourite places in Melbourne is Williamstown, it has an old worldly feel with its old buildings and atmosphere, alas it was also too expensive.

I lived in the Western and Northern suburbs but there are some lovely areas in the Southern and Eastern suburbs. I imagine you might also like places like Woodend that are further away from the city but have a country feel to them. I hope you can find somewhere that feels like home over the coming months.

We have the most useless government in Victoria at present, I won't go into detail as I may not be able to stop. Suffice to say, they are frittering away our money on whatever they like and ignoring the things that the money is supposed to be used for. The latest news is that they have wracked up a whopping 29 million per day in interest. Their plan seems to be to invent additional taxes for us to pay to cover their stupidity.

Please let me know how you are when you get a chance, look forward to chatting with you again.

Warm hugs.

indigo 💜

[Eagle Ray]

Dear indigo,

I'm really glad things seem to be improving energy-wise. That's fantastic you have been able to lose the weight you wanted to. It's like by making the modifications you have, you have been able to identify the factors in weight gain. In my 40s I started to put on weight, even though I was still eating healthy and doing exercise. I think the weight gain was due to hormonal changes which had led to changes in how my body responded to certain foods, especially gluten. At 45 I decided to go gluten free and I lost 12kg in about 6-8 months. It was the only variable I changed and the weight came off easily all of a sudden and I went back to a healthy weight. In recent months I've been letting gluten creep in again and guess what, I started putting on weight again. So I know that one is an issue for me.

I understand what you are saying about Melbourne. There's a few reasons I've been drawn there. I've been experiencing extreme social isolation and loneliness in my regional town, yet I'm not sure I want to go back to Perth. I'm also coming to terms with a major dissociative disorder that is highly stigmatised and I cannot safely share with the majority of people. In Melbourne there would be a much greater chance of meeting other people like me. I would also be more likely to find connections around common interests too, which I was actually starting to do even when there in November in relation to photography. It is like opportunities increase exponentially in so many ways. The place I connected with there is not far from the ocean and on the train line. It's interesting you mention Williamstown as I originally planned to go there but never got there in the end. I was interested in the very things you mention - the history and atmosphere. I had watched YouTube videos of people walking through it beforehand.

To be honest, life is really hard at the moment. There is no doubt now I have full blown DID. I have 16 active alters at present. I spoke with a trauma-informed doctor a few days ago in the city to get a new mental health care plan as it is not safe to disclose to the doctors here in my town. If you have DID, it can go really awful disclosing it. Amnesiac barrier continue to fall around trauma, the most disturbing being very early sexual trauma that was hidden from view, which is a common occurrence in the condition where a part of self fragmented to hold that trauma and keep it separate. I have 3 alters actually that carry that type of trauma, one of them a very small toddler. This abuse was done by other relatives, not my parents. I am enduring intense flashbacks daily and nightly. I still wake in terror but the adrenaline surges do not last as long as they did in the first few months after the EMDR in May. I experience confusion and disorientation daily and it is constant management dealing with different parts taking over the body and also dealing with trauma issues emerging in different parts. Just when things seem settled and peaceful another internal traumatic thing unfolds. I'm learning to ride the roller coaster though and learning skills in internal communication which is critical for coping.

I hope you feel better anyway as the energy begins to come back. It does sound like you are on a positive track with your health. I hope you are feeling mentally good too as things improve. Yes, pacing yourself is good. Take care and warm hugs,

ER

[indigo22]

Dearest ER,

You have been on my mind a lot lately and I am so sorry you are going with so much with your disorder. It's a lot to have to deal with so I hope you are getting good support from your psych. You would think that with the increasing knowledge available about mental health disorders that there would be less stigmatism, sadly it seems there is still a lot of ignorance.

I can't help but wonder, albeit a very harsh introduction, if the EMDR was meant to happen to bring to light all that you have been holding at bay for so long. Meaning, at least you now have a more conscious knowledge of the traumas that have been holding you back from healing. That must have been extremely unsettling to discover there was also sexual trauma as a young child, I am so sorry Eagle Ray, no child should ever have to go through what you have been through. I hope you will be able to come to terms with it all at some point.

Are there ways in which to integrate the alters eventually? Or do they tend to remain as separate with DID?

It's a pity you didn't get to Williamstown, I think you would love the atmosphere there but I am glad that you felt more connected while in Melbourne. Do you have any plans for making the move?

It's amazing to me that what may seem like small changes can have such a big impact on our bodies. It's good that you have identified what the cause is for you. The only draw back from my weight loss is that due to my skin being old, it has become crepey due to loss of collagen and elasticity so will have to work on that but for now I can live with it, better that than carrying around all the extra weight.

I have started some seeds for my vegies and about half of them have taken so far. I opted to use a coconut pith block soaked in seaweed and they seem quite happy. Next job will be to put the vegepod together and fill it with the same so they have a good chance of thriving when they are transplanted. I also have a couple of the vegepod bags which are completely enclosed with the mesh from about a third of the way from the bottom and a top zipper, these will be good for tomatoes. It's been such a pleasure watching the seeds sprouting to life.

I do hope that life begins to feel less traumatic for you in the coming months, you are so deserving of experiencing inner peace and happiness and I wish that for you with all my heart ER.

Please keep me updated when you feel able.

Sending warm hugs and healing energy,

indigo 💜

[Eagle Ray]

Hello dear indigo,

Yes, I am getting good support from my psych. She has been very understanding of what I'm going through and sensitive to my alters as well, acknowledging them and what is arising with them in terms of trauma stuff. She has been able to help me un-blend from particular alters when we are merged and I am feeling all of their distress, and that is so helpful because it is immediately a relief and then it's possible to work with the alter. I regularly re-blend with them and other times they completely take over the body, so it's still difficult on a daily basis, but my psych really helps by co-regulating with my system, which then helps the system to co-regulate with itself, if that makes sense?

With regard to the EMDR, I already had somatic and visceral memories emerging from the sexual abuse prior to the EMDR processing. The dissociative system emerged into consciousness in February last year, the first sexual assault memory emerged in March and the EMDR was in early May. My system was actually carefully calibrating how things were emerging with its own internal wisdom in a gradual way, while the EMDR was like a sledgehammer that came in and smashed down the internal dissociative barriers completely, leading to extreme flooding of all my traumas at once. There are no words to describe how horrific this was. So my intuition tells me my system just needed gentle co-regulation to work with what it was already doing and the EMDR, administered without awareness of the needed care and preparation, was catastrophic. I've read many other's accounts of this now and they are nearly always people with complex PTSD and often a dissociative disorder as well. EMDR was designed for single-incident PTSD and is still often not modified as it should be for complex PTSD where there are many layers of trauma. If bilateral stimulation is done on a target memory that hasn't been very carefully examined for safety beforehand, other underling memories can be triggered in an uncontrolled way. My psych says she's learned a lot from it and is now way more cautious before proceeding with EMDR, even if the person wants it. Another critical aspect is that with DID, all the alters need to be consulted and involved in the EMDR process, long before bilateral stimulation/processing even commences. This didn't happen, and one of my alters rapidly deteriorated, did s/h and tried to end things. The other tried to hold it all together under enormous strain and hasn't been quite the same since. Like many report from EMDR, months later I still struggle to feel the positive things I was capable of feeling beforehand, like some part of my soul is gone. I don't think it's necessarily permanent, but many people report feeling dead inside for months and can no longer connect with what they once loved. However, I can tell the EMDR is still working through my body. In recent weeks somatic processing has occurred spontaneously with huge amounts of pain and discomfort surging through the right side of my body while I feel nothing on the left, with some feelings of partial resolution. So what it did to my brain is trying to resolve trauma and I think it is now having some positive effects, but it would have been so much better if it had been done without the severe re-traumatisation.

There are two main approaches with DID - fusion with the goal being the body becoming one person, and functional multiplicity where the alters still exist but in a way that is healthily integrated. I have had one part fuse already, but at the moment the others are extremely relevant and a part of trauma processing, and tbh I would miss them greatly if they were gone. Some working in the field say complete fusion never truly happens as the system is always vulnerable to fragmenting again, and certainly people who have fused report an alter popping out again, like a year or more down the track.

Yes, I do wish I got to Williamstown. I was going to take the ferry that goes from Southbank to Williamstown but it was fully booked out, and I never got to taking other public transport there. I am unsure at this stage if I will make that move as I've realised I have so much work to do on myself first and so much to handle at this end, so will just go one step at a time.

Yes, it's so amazing how certain small changes can make such a big difference when it comes to health and weight. I love hearing about your veggie growing. I used to use those coconut blocks too when I raised seedlings at a market garden. I totally agree, it's a joy to see the seedlings emerge - like magic really, the miracle of life. Thank you for being so kind and supportive indigo and always happy to hear how you are going. Big hugs and healing energy to you too!

[Croix]

Dear ER~

It's lovely to see you again, I've been away and am back too, though mine was physical problems. An ever growing suite of specialists I guess.

It sounds like your psych is now understanding and on a learning path with you. To have your conditions recognized and treated sensibly is a rare thing, in fact it is the only reason that really stands out against your moving to Melbourne. To get the same understanding of yourself and also the problems you face is hard and unless your psych can point you are someone specific you may not get wht yu need. i'm sorry to be bunt but would hate you to throw away waht you have.

There are plenty of places around Melbourne where you can find sort of peace in nature -though how many are undisturbed I don't know, and of course photography should be no trouble.  Finding a sense of community is very valuable, did you strike any potentials whale you were there? 

I'm glad you have pictures of Fluffy Cat, if you find somewhere in Melbourne please don't lock the door of having a pet of your own. They make the world a different place

Croix

Yes the place has a lot of attractions, however it will 

[Eagle Ray]

Thank you dear Croix,

I hope your physical issues are not too troublesome, and that you are hopefully getting good specialist help.

Yes, I’m lucky to have my psychologist and she is learning with me as I go along. It’s kind of new for her too as I don’t think she’s dealt much with DID before, but she is very caring and understanding good ways of collaborating with my dissociative system. It’s such a strange sort of thing for both the client and the therapist I think to begin with, but there’s more info on it now than there used to be. There’s also an inner logic to it, so it’s about good communication with the dissociative system, stabilising the system and then allowing trauma resolution for different parts to happen. A lot of progress has happened already.

I see my psych via Telehealth so I wouldn’t lose her by going to Melbourne. I really enjoyed walks along the bay and the Yarra River and Merri Creek in Melbourne. I saw Superb Fairy Wrens by the ocean which helped me feel at home as we have other species of Fairy Wrens here. The main sense of community I potentially felt was speaking with some people at photography galleries/exhibitions, but I know I only scratched the surface. There was so much more I wanted to do and see.

Well, yes, having my own pet would be a very good thing I think. The other option is to do plenty of housesitting with other people’s pets, though I know it’s not quite the same. Pets provide much love and something to love and care for, but also are, as you well know, often hilarious with their unique personalities.

You must be up so late Croix as it’s very late here. I have been photo editing well into the night. Actually it’s just past midnight here now. I will orient myself towards bed now.

Hugs to you and indigo 🤗🤗

[Croix]

Dear ER (with a wave to Paws, Indigo and all)~

Yes, up late, back uncomfortable.

It sounds like you have it pretty well planned and have thoght over your needs and how they can be met.

I still worry though. I've lived in major cities (London, Paris, Sydney and more) and now a long time in a small rural town. There are differences  and the majorr one I have is worry you will find it difficult to be truly alone with nature. 

Yes being with others may open a new vistas (I lke hte photography club idea) , however at times that lying on the ground allowing nature ot creep back from your intrusion has been really good for you. So it will take careful judgment where you select to live, both close to nature and east transport to the other attractions (plus not having to share your neighbours taste in music 🙂

It can be done, when I was in Sydney the block behind our fence had a paddock and I used to help the owner exercise his horses, something that made a change for him from just sitting smoking and drinking been in his lean-to. He has not recovered properly from the  war and the company of a younger person was what he needed. There was plenty of room for quiet natural places

Croix 

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Croix, indigo, Paws and anyone reading,

Thank you Croix for your thoughts re: being alone with nature. I moved from the city in 2022 with the very thought of being alone in nature being important to me, and certainly I have access to that here. But I have been extremely lonely, far more than I ever thought would happen. I'm finding my town very socially isolating. If I was living with a partner or family it would be more tolerable, but the isolation has actually been really bad for my mental health. While I was in Melbourne for 2 weeks I felt like I had more meaningful human contact than I've had in almost 4 years here. Staying with a friendly lady and her lovely small dog for part of it probably helped in that regard, but just generally I met many people who were so friendly. But, yes, to be in a city I would need proximity to nature for sure. So it is a balancing act I have to work out, and it will be a while I think before I could move anyway. I agree, taking much care in selecting a place to live is important.

I liked that you got to help exercise the horses in Sydney. There's something nice when a bit of rural lifestyle can be found in an urban setting. In 2017 I was staying for several days in North Adelaide, and I only had to walk a very short distance and I was in a parkland with paddocks with horses in them. So there's something rural there and it's only about a 20 minute walk from the Adelaide CBD. Adelaide still feels like a big country town in some ways and I really like that about it. It used to be bigger than Perth, but now Perth is way bigger than Adelaide.

Indigo, I thought I'd let you know that yesterday I bought some organic potatoes and I cooked them tonight, and they were soooo much tastier than the usual supermarket ones I buy. I was thinking about your great success with eating organic food. These potatoes just tasted like they were so much better nutritionally. I imagine just the soil they grow in is far healthier and nutrient rich in itself. I know with organic methods that the soil health is built up a lot more and everything about the process is a lot more holistic. I did a permaculture certificate some years back and also worked in an organic market garden, and it's certainly a whole different philosophy about how to grow things. Anyway, I think you are onto something good with your health and it's exciting you are growing your own seedlings and making things happen.

Sleep well everyone 🤗