Following the breadcrumbs to improve mental health

[indigo22]

Hi everyone,

The last few months have been somewhat confusing as I have discovered more about my mental / physical health and how it has all been connected. I had not put the pieces together, I am not sure why, it seems so obvious now.

I have dealt with Dysthymia since about 12 and Major Depression since about 14 but was not diagnosed until my 40s and had no idea that had been the problem all along. I knew I wasn't like everyone else but thought I was just born that way. Back then mental health was not a subject that was openly discussed and the signs mostly went unrecognised and untreated. I had about 10 years of talk therapy with a social worker that helped immensely.

I have had a sensitive digestive system for a good portion of my life, not so much that I sought treatment, just things like indigestion with certain foods, bloating and the like. I suppose I thought everyone had those types of issues.

I have also had nervous system reactions over the past 15 years, like involuntary shaking in certain situations, that I had put down to getting older and being less resilient having been through a lot of difficult challenges.

I have been seeing a psychotherapist who also does somatic work (turns out you were right mmmekitty, I did need some more help). The first session of somatic work, in this case EFT (tapping), brought up a deep and long standing belief that I did not deserve to be helped. The emotions were buried so deep that I was not even aware of them. After that session things went haywire physically for a few days and took some weeks to start to settle.

Being the type of person who needs to have an understanding of what is happening and why, I have been reading many books on the symptoms I have had. That is when I began to join the dots about how interconnected by mental and physical health actually were. It has required a lot of processing on my part, and an acknowledgement of what I have been consciously unaware of, but it has been necessary to finding a way forward. This will be an ongoing journey as new symptoms show up that need to be looked at.

I know now that there is a lot of unreleased trauma in my body that is a contributing factor in not healing mentally or physically and I know now what needs to be done to improve. There is only so much that the medical profession can do, I believe the rest of the responsibility lies with us in digging deeper to find the causes and the answers. In many ways, that in itself becomes empowering.

Take care all.

indigo

[indigo22]

Hi ER,

How are things going, are you getting on top of the chaos with the containment exercises?

I have had a lousy week, way too much to go into but the highlights are having a gum infection, being triggered and having a meltdown as a result. Mostly sorted out now, still nothing compared to what you have been going through for the past few weeks.

I hope you are getting some clear brain functioning back again. Have you had a chance to get to some of your healing locations this week? I know how much better it makes you feel when you are connecting with nature.

Please let me know how you are when you feel up to it.

Hugs,

indigo 💜

[Eagle Ray]

Hi indigo,

I’m sorry you’ve had a lousy week. It doesn’t sound like fun at all 😞 I don’t know if you have heard of coconut oil pulling, where you swish extra virgin coconut oil around in your mouth for about 20 minutes. But I just wondered if that would help with the gum infection? It’s important to not swallow the oil but spit it out at the end, preferably in the bin or outside so it doesn’t create plumbing issues. It is antiseptic and anti-inflammatory. I have used it when wanting to prevent infection in a damaged tooth and on skin conditions too and I’ve found it soothing and effective. I hope that maybe you’ve had a nice weekend to make up for last week.

I’m showing signs of improvement in the last couple of days. The containment exercises were a life saver. I have been going out into nature and this evening I was down at my favourite coastal location photographing the Aurora Australis. I got a couple of shots I’m reasonably happy with. I’m still struggling to feel positive emotions so it was strange seeing this beautiful phenomenon but not having much feeling for it. But it was still good I went out and did it.

It’s been a truly awful few weeks but my brain and nervous system are slowly finding at least some balance. The scariest thing the other day was my brain tried to produce a new alter and I went into amnesia where there is a total dissociative switch. So basically I was now showing signs of dissociative identity disorder, not just the other specified dissociative disorder that I already suspected I had. I fought the switching as much as I could but still lost myself for about 8 hours. Later I read that EMDR can do that to people with existing dissociative disorders. There are a lot of risks for people with complex ptsd and dissociative disorders if they do standard EMDR and there is supposed to be a screening protocol for dissociation followed to ensure safety and much more preparation and modification carried out. But none of that happened which is upsetting to me now knowing the horrific experiences of the last few weeks could have been avoided. The alter that took possession (that’s literally how it feels) felt awful, like a blank void. The other alters I have are co-conscious and don’t take me over, are cooperative and supportive and we work as a team. They were really damaged at times in the last few weeks but are showing signs of recovery now and I think things will be ok.

I’m happy to chat if you want to talk about the recent trigger if it helps, but you might want to put it behind you now anyway. I really hope you have a lovely week ahead 🙏🌼

Hugs,

ER

[indigo22]

Hi ER,

I haven't done the coconut oil pulling before but I do have ways usually to get things under control. This time it was deep in the gum at the jaw line and all my teeth were on edge and gums where swollen which was making it difficult to eat very much. I have been dealing with periodontitis for the past 30 years, I don't like taking antibiotics and avoid them when I can, but I knew I needed them on this occasion. Things are starting to settle down and I am able to eat better now. I will just do a good job of replacing the micro-biome loss when I am finished them.

I am watching another series at present that seems to be quite good so far. All about the gut-brain axis. Will pass on any interesting info I pick up and share with you here when the series is finished in a few days. So far they have covered things like fibre, prebiotics, fermented foods and one I hadn't heard of called psychobiotics. These are particular strains that are beneficial to brain health and they are having some success in treating mental illnesses with them.

I am so pleased to hear that the containment exercises have helped you and you have been able to get out into nature. I am sure when you are feeling more like yourself again, you will love that you got the photos of such a spectacular natural display of colour.

Your experience with being taken over must have been very disturbing and frightening, I am so sorry you went through that on top of everything else. Is this under control now?

I can't imagine why your psych would not have done more research before trying EMDR with you. You must feel like the trust has been broken to some degree. What has she had to say about what you have been going through? Has she been able to suggest anything helpful?

I hope you are continuing to improve a little each day🤞

Hugs and healing thoughts coming your way,

indigo 💜

[indigo22]

Hi ER,

I have sent a reply, but it is not showing up. Have asked the moderators to have a look for it.

indigo💜

[Eagle Ray]

Dear indigo,

I'm like you and prefer not taking antibiotics where possible, but yes there are those situations where they are needed. I know the mouth and upper respiratory tract have their own microbiome too, so I imagine restoring and finding a balance both there and in the gut will be helpful. I hope it's all healed up really soon and you feel much better 🙏

The gut-brain axis is amazing isn't it. Psychobiotics sounds fascinating. I feel that increasingly in the future these kinds of approaches will take over more from some of the standard medication approaches. The two liver specialists I've seen only had a one dimensional single medication approach to the liver disease I have, neither of which improved my liver readings which were actually worsening. Working with a naturopath who did several series of advanced microbiome testing and provided highly targeted supplementation based on that is the only thing that stabilised my liver readings and moved me back from heading into liver fibrosis. Sadly not a single medical professional has taken what the naturopath has done seriously or engaged with it on any level. But I do think conventional medicine will catch up eventually.

Fortunately I haven't had any more takeovers like the one I described which at the time was an extreme stress response from my brain/psyche. But in the last few days I realise I have had many states of dissociative amnesia since early childhood, including finding myself walking somewhere outside my conscious control and finding myself at a location I had never considered or planned going to. These symptoms are consistent with DID. The recent takeover experience felt like another entity/person taking over my body which felt new and extremely frightening, but I've realised now I've always had these dissociative takeovers. They just didn't feel as sinister before, more like being just lost in a dream-like state. I am reading that it's not uncommon for people to have a DID diagnosis in their 40s or 50s despite living with it all their lives. It's a very poorly understood condition. I seem to sit on the spectrum of having either OSDD or what's called Partial DID. The best online resource by far I have found is the YouTube channel from the CTAD Clinic in the UK run by Dr Mike Lloyd. I would recommend it to anyone dealing with DID/OSDD.

My psychologist feels awful about what happened and has recognised she did not have knowledge around certain issues to do with dissociative disorders. I've sent her info that she is reading. I sent her the article available online: "Beyond the DES-II: Screening for Dissociative Disorders in EMDR Therapy". No therapist should be doing EMDR with anyone without understanding this information. The risks of serious harm are very high. From what I've read, most people with DID/OSDD have Complex PTSD, and it's increasingly recognised that a high proportion of people with Complex PTSD have a dissociative disorder. So it is critical that the risks are understood in relation to EMDR. My psychologist is doing her best to be kind and supportive but at the moment it's like I'm having to educate her about what is happening with me.

In the last few months parts that have always been structurally dissociated in me have developed much clearer differential identities that have mapped onto those parts. So they are now experienced as distinct other people in my world when before they were largely amorphous hard to discern parts of self. That amorphous nature probably links to severe trauma for me starting at birth - just a blank nothingness, confusion and fear. But the more differentiated parts are now very co-conscious with me and extremely helpful and responsive. No one knows or understands me better than them and I can see how the different parts of myself are affected by things quite clearly. So I have an inner team now, so to speak.

I am improving and in a state of recovery now. Thank you so much for your kind hugs and healing thoughts, and the same to you too 🤗

[indigo22]

Hi ER,

I hope you are still improving and finding ways to work with your team to heal the distress you have been going through. I won't pretend to understand what this dissociative disorder is like for you, but by now I hope you know I am always in your corner. I would like to try to understand, so if you are able to find words that will help me to do this, please let me know. I imagine it is with some ah-ha💡 moments coming to the realisation that this has been happening throughout your life without being totally consciously aware of it, or perhaps just not knowing what was happening. It comes as no surprise to me that you are educating your psych rather than the other way round 😀. You spend a lot of time educating yourself on your health, it's good to know at least some of your practitioners see the value in your knowledge and listen.

I know what you mean about the closed mindedness of the western medicine world as opposed to the open mindedness of those who work with the whole person in creating change and healing. Most of them still don't grasp the idea that what we eat has any bearing on anything, which is a real pity and holds them back from having any real success in healing people. For some illogical reason, they still think 'big pharma' knows best, or worse, they no longer care. But there are certainly a percentage of doctors who are realising that not everything they were taught in medical school still holds up to scrutiny, far from it, and they will be the ones who pave the way for a better, more effective and integrated health system in the future.

I have been watching the series all week and although not all new to me, there have been some helpful information on precursors, minerals and amino acids etc. that play a large roll in our health. As a result, I have decided to take a deep dive into my own health. I am due to see my doctor this week and plan on talking about a full blood test and sleep study. I really want to get to the bottom of why I am still fatigued. I can deal with some fatigue, but my best description would be that if I where a car, I would be operating with seriously under-inflated tyres, a battery that is not holding it's charge and a fuel light that is always flashing (I feel certain you have a good idea what I am talking about). I have looked at many things that could be the cause, but it is time to start ruling things out like deficiencies (other than what I am already supplementing being on a vegan diet) or perhaps lack of deep restorative sleep, or adrenal fatigue. At this point it is just a guessing game but I should know a bit more in a couple of weeks🤞.

I hope you have had a lovely weekend.

Hugs,

indigo 💜

[Eagle Ray]

Dear indigo,

Getting the full blood test and sleep study sounds like a good idea. I had 2 sleep studies in 2017 and 2021. In 2017 my sleep was particularly poor with the presence of both obstructive and central sleep apnoea as well as many hypopneas (periods of very shallow breathing). Poor sleep like that I’m sure contributes to fatigue. After the first study the sleep Dr suggested a CPAP machine but I suspected that would be treating the symptoms not the cause (but can still be a good idea). I’d been inexplicably putting on weight despite eating the recommended Mediterranean diet and regularly exercising. In early 2020 I cut out gluten and in about 6-8 months I lost 12kg returning to a healthy BMI. Inflammation in my body went down too, my breathing seemed better at night and the severe migraines I’d had regularly since the age of 13 reduced significantly. By 2021 my second sleep study was better. I still had airway restriction but this greatly improved the following year after the naturopath identified a strong allergy to the casein found in dairy. I know you’re not having dairy, but I can’t remember about gluten. I just wonder if that’s something else to try eliminating for a couple of months just in case?

I now know the weight gain from the age of 41 was also linked to perimenopause when the good form of oestrogen (estradiol) starts to become erratic before then depleting and another form of oestrogen (oestrone) increases which can contribute to inflammation and increased weight. I think these factors can also be involved in fatigue and things like gluten sensitivity that can worsen in the perimenopause/post-menopause years. The incidence of autoimmune disorders also go up in this age bracket which frequently involve fatigue. So a lot can be going on to cause problems. I don't know if for you whether there are hormonal factors or not, but just thinking of those things in case they offer any clues. I do understand that awful fatigue level and I've even collapsed at times where my body shuts down completely and I can't speak or function at all. This fatigue collapse has been there since I was 13, so I suspect something with hormones there too but also severe dysregulation in my nervous system that had been there since birth. I'm still working on that to this day, but I think if the autonomic nervous system can heal it actually starts to heal the gut as well which has direct benefits on fatigue levels, mental health (gut-brain axis), immune system, hormones etc. It's good you are looking into all the nutritional factors and I really hope you find a balance where your system starts to recalibrate and you can feel vitality again.

The dissociative disorder in me seems to be either OSDD or Partial DID. In the former there are parts/identities acting autonomously but they don't have amnesia between them. So they are co-conscious as I can dialogue with them, see what they are doing etc. When I say "see", it is not a psychotic hallucination but in my mind's eye. They are very real to me as separate people. 2 are the most active, but 9 have appeared in total at different times. They can go into dormancy. They play different roles. So one has held a lot of my trauma for me but also is connected with my vulnerable child self and can collapse easily under duress. Another is my "can-do" executive function. These two most active ones have mapped onto two structurally dissociated parts of self that have always been there - my unparented, collapsing child self and my over-functioning and over-responsible adult self who had to be an adult before her time. The reason I am now considering Partial DID is the fact that although there is a lot of co-consciousness, there is also amnesia I'm realising was always there as well. Full DID is usually characterised by amnesia between parts so people with it switch between one part and another outside their own awareness (but not always). I've started to recognise I get some of these switches. DID used to be called Multiple Personality Disorder which has been incredibly grossly misrepresented in things like movies and the media. Even a lot of stuff people put on YouTube is like an over-the-top view of it. Listening to the CTAD Clinic, the director Mike Lloyd said very few actual clients present in the manner that you see on popular internet and social media channels. It is actually often a very covert disorder that can go undiagnosed for decades. Most people with DID have Complex PTSD. Trauma has to have started very early in childhood when the brain is still developing identity-wise.

Take care indigo. Have a lovely week ahead 🌼🙏

Hugs,

ER

[indigo22]

Hi ER,

Just a quick update, i have been seriously fatigued this week and can't concentrate.

I spoke to my doc and he has ordered a blood test with additional checks. After asking a few questions, he agreed that a sleep study would be a good idea. Will look at that after we get the blood results. I stumbled on an organic spray free fruit and veg farm website that delivers to my town once a week and got the first lot on Wednesday. I am hoping that perhaps not consuming pesticides and herbicides in everything, will start to improve the way my gut has been. I seem to recall you talking about sibo, did you have test for that? And what was the outcome? I think it is possibly one of the problems along with leaky gut and a couple of other issues that are along for the ride. I also plan to get a naturopath on board when we start finding some answers.

Sorry for the lack of communication at present. I hope you are continuing to feel better and having a lovely weekend.

Hugs,

indigo 💜

[Eagle Ray]

Hi indigo,

I’m sorry to hear about the fatigue. I had an overgrowth of a pathogenic bacteria which was identified through advanced microbiome testing. This testing is something certain naturopaths will do but it is quite expensive with no Medicare rebate. I can’t remember exactly but it was over $300, I think getting up towards $400. This is to the lab, not the naturopath (who will have a consultation fee). You can also get a test done for intestinal permeability/leaky gut via a solution you drink followed by a urine test. For me it was all worth it as multiple issues were identified and were able to be successfully addressed with supplementation. Your gut issues and the fatigue could be linked, but probably the best thing in the first instance is to get the results from the blood test, followed by the sleep study as you are currently planning.

If you see a naturopath who operates the same as mine, the microbiome test (and also the intestinal permeability and allergy testing I did) are self-administered with a kit sent out to you. The microbiome test is a stool test. The intestinal permeability one involves drinking a solution and a urine test. The allergy testing was based on finger prick blood samples. If it’s like what my naturopath did the microbiome test is very detailed and looks at multiple possible pathogens such as bacteria as well as parasites, the gut flora composition and substances such as zonulin, which if high often indicates gluten sensitivity. I can’t remember everything on it but it covered a lot. If you want details I have a copy at home (I’m currently in a different town).

In my experience in recent years fatigue and cognitive issues have often occurred together. Autoimmune conditions can often be involved and that is also part of things in my case. The gut and autoimmunity are linked. My autoimmune condition improved and stabilised significantly following the microbiome testing and targeted supplementation. The overgrown pathogenic bacteria has returned to normal levels and the intestinal permeability has healed.

I think I remember you saying you have an integrative GP? That may help. I saw my liver specialist a couple of days ago and he said that mainstream gastroenterology has a way to go to catch up with the gut microbiome science. I was pleased he acknowledged that as I feel it’s so important but often not recognised in mainstream practice. I hope you can get some answers and that in the meantime you can rest up as you need and find some things to do to help feel a bit better at least.

Take good care of yourself and feel free to communicate how you are going if it helps to chat.

Hugs 🤗

ER

[indigo22]

Hi ER,

Thank you for the info, I am mostly trying to figure out all the possibilities at present. I have also considered adrenal fatigue as a possibility. My doc is not an integrative doc but is a vegan like me and I feel he would be open to some naturopathic help with whatever we find (or don't).

There is definitely something not right. I was exhausted all day yesterday and had to really push myself to make dinner. I spent about 45mins steaming up some vegies and when I finally sat down with a bowl of them, I could only eat about a third of them (which is most unusual for me) and within 15 mins was asleep in my armchair and woke up 4 hours later (also out of character). I went to bed and slept for another 9 hours by which time I was so stiff from my lousy mattress that I had to get up.

To me it seems like I am not absorbing the nutrients I am eating which made me think of sibo, but there are many other things that could be going on. I just hope the blood test gives us an idea. I know I am no spring chicken any more but I am also too young to be feeling like I am in my 90s 😕

I hope you are enjoying your time away from home.

Hugs,

indigo 💜