First time posting

bluewhippet · ‎07-07-2015

So I’m new to this.

I’m a little stuck and I don’t know what to do. I’m having a lot of trouble trying to put it into words because I didn’t actually realise that other people don’t experience this until a few years ago. I’m always some level of sad, depressed, anxious, tense or wired or numb.

A few years ago I finally worked up the courage to go the doctor and was set up with a mental health plan and to see a counsellor, but it was a disaster and I haven’t managed to work up the same energy to try again. She seemed to have already developed an opinion on what was wrong with me and I felt she was trying to steer my thoughts in that direction. She seemed annoyed that I didn’t consider myself to have suffered any trauma at any point to have triggered this? I really don’t think she was paying attention. Very frustrating. The thought of trying again is utterly exhausting.

I can’t make or maintain new friendships/relationships and I end up very lonely, but other times I can’t bear the thought of being around anyone. I’ve been using an unhealthy and not ideal coping method for a very long time.

I feel like it’s very obvious that something isn’t right – I’ve never been in a relationship, I haven’t made new friends since I left school (10 years ago) I never go anywhere, I don’t drive etc. I hate having my photo taken and sometimes I just can’t hide my discomfort at simple things, like ordering a drink. My family tease me about it sometimes, so they do notice.

I keep thinking that no one asks me what’s up because to them, it’s unsurprising that a person like me can’t find anyone who wants to be around them. It feels very much like there’s something awful about me that my family are too polite to point out.

Sometimes I can’t bear to look at my face and I have to turn all the lights off to shower so I don’t have to look at any part of me. I didn’t know it was a thing that people could like or enjoy being themselves because I’ve never experienced that. I don’t like people to hug or compliment me, because I always feel it’s disingenuous. Sometimes the world feels full of ulterior motives and other times it feels like there’s nothing there at all and I have no idea what to do with that.

I don’t want to be like this for the rest of my life but I have no idea how to fix it. I don’t know how to say all the things that are wrong because I’m not convinced that it’s unrelated to how worthwhile a person I am. Would love some advice from this great forum.

Doolhof · ‎07-07-2015

Hi Blue Whippet,

Welcome to Beyond Blue and to the forum here.

I would like to encourage you to print out what you have written in your post and take it along to your Dr. Ask for a fresh mental health care plan and a new person to see.

You could also use the phone help lines or the web chat to express yourself further and see what suggestions the people there come up with for you.

Sometimes it is really hard to break a behaviour that we have grown into, but it is something you may need to consider doing.

Think of doing something that is a little different to what you would normally do and see how you cope with that.

If I was you, I would be heading back tot he Dr and asking for another referral to see someone, then you will have more of an understanding of what is going on.

Once you have some answers, then you can do some of your own research and see what you can do to help yourself.

Hope some of this helps. Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools or Lauren

BKYTH · ‎08-07-2015

What has been the coping method that you have been using? Do not be to harsh on the therapist that you saw as they too are vulnerable and prone to attach to an opinion or diagnosis to ease their own discomfort when confronted with something which overwhelms them. I think that I understand what you are saying in your first paragraph because your own inner experience seems to be all there is and it pervades all that you see around you - I must admit that I still have no comprehension of 'otherness' nor any ability to understand it or approach it. What is it that you "can't bear" about the sight of your face and body? Try to grasp what it is that you think or feel which makes it necessary for you to switch off the lights at times. Strive, as best you can, to bring to consciousness the purpose that it serves in being in the dark, to have no physicality. What is it that you do not wish to acknowledge in that physicality. There is so much in your post that I feel you must confront. I agree with Mrs Dools that you need to seek a referral to see someone else, but as well, you need to examine any action you take and do not take that action until you demand of it a justification. That may take time. It will certainly take courage. As with any growth you must begin where you find yourself. Philip.

thisaquarian · ‎08-07-2015

Hi bluewhippet - welcome to the forum, and well done on your well written first post. It certainly takes courage to open up to others.

Becoming aware of your thoughts and behaviours is a great first step. It sounds like you are definitely aware and motivated to change. It does take a while to find a therapist who "gets you" ... I wished that the social worker that I spoke to over the phone through my work EAP was a psychologist as he had a calming voice and was good at acknowledging me.

I've noticed that a good therapist (no matter what qualification) normally follows a set format, which helps the patient/client feel in control and at ease:
1. Introduction and privacy confidentiality disclaimer
2. Questions such as "What has been going on for you?" - then you get to talk freely about what has been happening. Active listening and Acknowledgement usually happen here.
3. Suggestion/referral to support or techniques to help with said problem (depending on who you are talking to)
4. Wrap up and plan for next visit/call/time.

Good luck, and keep checking into the forums. 🙂

White_Rose · ‎08-07-2015

Dear Blue Whippet

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. Is your name a reference to greyhounds? They are such lovely dogs and often given a bad name because of the way they are used. A bit like you I suspect. Greyhounds are loving and gentle dogs and although they will happily go for walks, their favourite hobby is lying around, preferable next to their human friend and keeping them company.

You have been given some terrific tips by Lauren and Philip and I agree with both of them. Please do as Lauren has suggested, print you post and take it to your GP. Get a fresh mental health plan and a referral to a different psychologist and start again.

Many people on this site have found it difficult to relate to their first, (and second and third), psychologist. Not because there is necessarily anything wrong with any of them. You do need to feel comfortable with a psych and feel safe. And this will often take several visits before you can relax. The word is persevere.

The feelings you experience are very common in depression. You are not alone in how you think. I think depression is often all about this feeling of not belonging, not being good enough for others, of somehow being a strange person. Depression, AKA the Black Dog, is a tricky beast and can twist your thinking without you realising what's happening.

So search the BB site and read as much as you can about depression. All knowledge is useful.

Take care of yourself and write in again to tell us how you are going.

Mary.

bluewhippet · ‎08-07-2015

It is a reference to greyhounds! I love them, they really are such sweet animals. Unfortunately I live, alone, in a small apartment so I can't have a dog. But I am often on the greyhound rescue site.

Thank you for your kind response.

bluewhippet · ‎08-07-2015

Thanks Lauren, the idea of printing the above out and having someone read it while in the room with them sounds horrendously embarrassing, but I try to give it a try.

(I'm not sure I've got the hang of the reply function here?)

bluewhippet · ‎08-07-2015

Thanks for your reply BKYTH, I'm not really ready to type out that coping method to a group of people, but it is not a substance abuse method, so you can probably extrapolate from there.

As for not liking to look at myself, when I was in high school we were told to create a self portrait and were each given a mirror. I spent the entire lesson silently crying because I couldn't stand how ugly I found myself. That' terrible epiphany has basically followed me over 10 years later, though it's not always at 'crying into a mirror' levels.

I was very nervous about reading these replies, but everyone is really kind.

Doolhof · ‎08-07-2015

Hi Blue Whippet,

I really do hope that you don't find any of us too daunting or scary! Ha. Ha. We are all a community of people who have been through different experiences in our lives, or who have had loved ones experience the uncertainty and sometimes the distresses of a mental illness.

I'm sorry to read about your body self image. I had really hairy legs as a kid and I mean hairy! Very thick and very dark. My Mum never allowed me to shave my legs.

I played netball with stockings on! I had the longest skirt and the longest socks of anyone in the competition. I used to wear jeans all summer and used to swim in them. Mum always told me off but she just did not comprehend how disgusted and embarrassed I was by my hairy legs!

It was only when I left home that I was able to shave my legs. I remember the first time I did so, it was with so much force and passion, that I actually shaved off slices of skin as well! I soon learnt not to be so impatient! Ha. Ha.

Now I am 50 and forget to shave my legs! I have gone full circle. I am sure some of the younger ones at the pool must cringe when they see my winter legs! Ha. Ha.

I too hope you will be able to find peace about yourself and accept who you are.

Cheers for now from Lauren.

thisaquarian · ‎09-07-2015

Hi bluewhippet,

What a horrible experience you had with the self portrait exercise. 😞 That type of exercise (having young people focus on their own image) was in my opinion irresponsible - young people are vulnerable and often have body image and confidence issues. I don't think that I would have done so well in that situation either.

I have issues with my body image also a binge eating disorder... I guess for me some days I can't find anything that I like. Other days I like my eyes or something like that. It's true what they say - you have to believe you are loveable inside and out.