First baby and wife has lost all motivation.

[Tryingall]

Hi,

We recently found out that we are going to have a baby. I was thrilled about the news.

My wife has suffered depression for a few years now and i it has increased dramatically now that she doesnt seem to care about anything anymore.

She moved to this country for me, and nomatter how many people we meet, she never clicked with anyone, she doesnt like her job despite everyone at her work adoring her there. She has become increasingly negative and it in the past i suffered from depression and have been trying to help her.

She went on antidepressants but hated them so stopped, tried a psychologist, hypno therapy, exercise, constantly trying new things and nomatter what she won't get better.

More than anything she has wanted a baby since day 1 of marriage and i don't know what to do.

Its too early to tell people about the bub, and i am so thrilled about it. But i am getting so caught up with worrying about my wife that i don't have time to think.

She makes me feel guilty because we are renting, she earns more money than i do (but we are both on good money).

I just need somethibg and i don't know what it is.

[smallwolf]

hi Tryingall and welcome to the forums.

you sound like a very caring and supportive person. And when you cannot find the answer(s) you are looking for can be very frustrating. Yet for you, the issue sounds is related to wanting a child, moving to Australia, pregnancy and depression. There is a lot there to worry about. 😞 I am not surprised you are concerned and cannot think about much else.

When I read your post, I knew about postpartum depression. Someone I know had this. So I wondered this can occur during pregnancy and sadly it can. Yet I also cannot think of a person that would not be anxious at least. It may not always be as blissful as it appears on TV. I would hope you both might be able to talk with your doctors to get the support needed?

If you did a google search for "depression during pregnancy" you will find a bunch of pages and stories with useful information.

I am sad this period of joy you hoped for has been flipped upside down. One way to approach this conversation would be to use "I" statements and speak with empathy. I hope together you will be able to find a way forward.

Finally, has your wife spoken with you about her experiences here? Her concerns? Fears etc.? For example, does she miss her family. Just a random thought.

Listening to you, Tim

[Sophie_M]

Dear Tryingall

We’re so grateful to have you reach out to our community this evening and are so sorry to hear about everything you have going on at the moment. Times like this can definitely get overwhelming . We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you. We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467). You can get in touch with an organisation called Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277. They provide relationship support services for individuals, families and communities and aim to support all people in Australia to achieve positive and respectful relationships. 
Keep checking back in with us whenever you feel up to it.

 

[geoff]

Hello Tryingall, and welcome to the site.

Antenatal depression is something that can happen while she is pregnant, although I'm not qualified to say as I'm not a doctor, while PND happens after the birth of a child and while the symptoms may be similar, they differ from person to person and can also affect the upcoming father.

The pregnancy is going to show so hiding it won't be that easy and eventually, they are going to ask, rather than you telling them, but know you're in a catch 22 situation, an awkward position.

I agree with Tim, you need to ask your doctor for the available help and can provide an antidepressant (AD) even though she doesn't like them on a very low dose to begin with, the reason is for her to become used to taking them, so they slowly start to work, which could be 6 weeks, although some people are fortunate enough where they work straight away.

We understand that when someone goes to visit any psych and their problem is not solved in the first couple of sessions, they wonder what is the point of continuing to see them, but it takes time for the psych to know and understand the person before any trust develops and to gain the confidence the person needs, but know it's certainly not easy trying to explain this to someone who is suffering and have seen this many times before.

It doesn't matter these days who earns the most money, we only wish for good mental help and when this doesn't prevail, we have to try and convince these people to seek help.

If you can copy and paste this there could be information to help you,

https://www.health.gov.au › pregnancy-care-guidelines

https://www.pregnancybirthbaby.org.au › antenatal-care

https://www.pregnancybirthbaby.org.au › your-first-ant...

https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au › health › pregnancy...

Hope these are of some help to you and please let us know.

Take care.

Geoff.

[Tryingall]

she has spoken to me many times about her experiences here. i have tried to just listen, be there, offer advice, ask if theres anything I can do, be more proactive with exercise and diet, constantly have things to do to show her fun. but she has gotten to a point where it feels like she is addicted to feeling down.
I understand how it feels as i have been there, but she is unresponsive to everything.
i have even brought up the idea of moving back to her home country and she brushes it off.

she takes nothing i say seriously and i hate to say it that the negativity has become too overwhelming and i have started to show some similar traits.

[smallwolf]

this might sound like a dumb or crazy suggestion... if you decided to have a date night or similar would your wife join in? That might not be best example or suggestion and maybe something small(er) which she enjoyed.

For you...

1. self-care. Beyond blue has web page on this. If you cannot find it let me know and I will have a look. You mentioned it was starting to have an effect on you.

2. education. This might sound odd, but if you can find others stories and what they did. You could start with a google search "how to help severely depressed wife". There will of course be pages that might be useless and you can skip over, but would be a starting point.

Peace to you