Felling as if life has no more road

[Crum]

Im 36 ryr old male how has a partner and 3 young boys living out of town on small property.  Everything was as happy as we could be with our youngest child being sick from birth which has caused a lot of stress and worry to us all to then have 2yrs ago my nextdoor neighbour/ relative had taken his own life to were l had found him. It was these last 2yrs of trying to keep a family together work 2jobs plus help out my relatives widow had all but brought me to my knee. Untill 2 months ago l found out l have end stage kidney failour. My hole life has been flipped and l have no direction we dont know how long l have left to live and lm scared of my children not having a father to grow up with.

I dont know what path to take after the multipul fail surgerys and pain mentaly and physical. I am at the end of my road worthless sick and broken and still trying to hide the pain from my kids. With my life now been every 2day in hospital for treatment. No dignity left. With the feelings of being strong father and husband have been removed. And to alot of you guys out there know this feels like the end of life with no other way out. I need help to see a better future. 

[Scared]

This morning I woke up with depression that has flawed me.  Then I read your post and now Im only thinking of you.  I want to believe in Christ our lord and I dont believe your suffering is not heard by God.  I dont know why life is so cruel but it is.   You sound like a great man great dad and im thinking of you today.  You dont have to be religious to talk to Jesus and it really can bring comfort.   Some people die without ever getting the chance to tell those they love how they feel.  You have that chance to create your legacy to all those you love.  I hope your family bring you comfort in this time.

I never say love on these forums but I send you my love this time.

[Crum]

Thankyou for your time and felt msg. Today has not seemed to get better but have had time to think aswell. 

I was brought up in a christian home with my father as minister l have followed falling and hated the way some people could act in the name of god to others which has left me not as a non follower but a very negative attachment to our faith

• The more l go looking for anwser the more l feel lm left in this dark place without. To now each night l hug my boys good night and tell them l love with crying eyes them not knowing if it is there last time hearing it so is it taken forgranted or they are to young to remember the time before and now when they get older feeling left out at the times they need me most. It is now become more real as each day gos by. 

I feel they are the only reason l havn't taken my step into the light yet. 

[Scared]

Last year I was convinced I had emphysema and the days waiting for the doctor I cried and worried so much what my g/f would do without me.  But now I have a brain tumor and in shock still about that diagnonis.  Now im just tired of being scared all the time and if God is coming for me then just get it over with.  But I made sure that those i love know it and there is nothing else to say.  Im not afraid of dying but like you I worry about those I leave behind.  Im not too proud to say to Jesus please take my hand and help me stay strong.  No one can ever truely understand what its like until they go thru it themselves.   I never needed Jesus until the last year and I believe he forgives me for not following him before this.   Who knows but a kidney transplant may come available to you and wouldnt that be a wonderful thing .