Dear Jess
Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. This is a good place to talk about how you feel and read the stories of other people. I feel sad for you having these apparently insurmountable problems and not knowing what to do. At the moment your depression is telling you how hopeless you are and that nothing will ever change.
It's not true, you are a capable person, you just cannot remember it at the moment. Depression is often described as a black dog and it can be useful to think like this. See your depression as a dog that needs to learn some manners, to walk to heel and not go off chasing every dark thought.
You have not said if you have been to see your GP. Has someone given you a diagnosis of depression? Are you seeing a counsellor or been prescribed antidepressants? Sorry to start off asking questions, it's so that we can get to know you better. I also wonder if you have any family living near you. Having someone who cares about what happens to you is incredibly helpful.
I wonder if you can rent out your house again to help with the finances. Not sure how you managed the letting last time but it's a good idea to rent your home through a real estate professional. I know they take some of the rent but it's worthwhile, especially when you are not around to check up on things. When one lot of tenants move out the rental agency can find someone else to move in. They also check the references of a prospective renter etc.
At a time like this when you feel you have this enormous weight on your shoulders it would be good to feel at least one thing is taken care of without you being worried about it.
You know you are a strong and capable woman because you were able to walk away from the disappointing relationship, hold down a job and buy your first home. It takes a lot of strength to do this. You were also able to manage when you lost your job by taking in boarders. I understand how some boarders can be difficult and I'm not sure if I would be be happy having a couple of people I don't know living in my home.
My grandson came to live with me a couple of years ago. He is now 19 and a typical teenager. He came to live here when he became an apprentice chef at a restaurant near me but a quite a distance from his home. The hospitality industry is well known for its unsociable hours and the constant travelling would be horrendous. Even so I am hoping he will move out soon.
Please continue to write in here. We want to support you as much as possible.
Mary
