Feeling overwhelmed and lost with life

[geelt]

Lots of things are happening at once and I just need an outlet to vent my emotions.

My head is full of useless unnecessary thoughts and worries that I keep making up for myself.

I can start a new activity or hobby only for me to hyper-fixate and get myself burnt out and wasting a lot of time and money that I really shouldn't be spending. I overthink things and that affects my enjoyment of the activities I do. Thinking and worrying about buying things to do or thinking about doing things but when I get to doing things I start loathing it. I have no impulse control and stress over money when its just a dollar wasting so much brain power over nothing. No discipline.

Currently on Job Seeker applying for work with low qualification/ no education needed. I decided that I'm not going to try going back to University because it doesn't feel worthwhile, but also realized how limiting employment opportunities are. Having to rely on public transport with transit taking 1-2 hours at worst to the closest available work. I've recently begun volunteering at a 2nd hand shop as well just to get out the house and interact with people. I worry about having no time to do things I enjoy if I start doing paid work which is contrasted by not enjoying the things I do for enjoyment or overthinking and stressing over small details.

I haven't driven in a year and only have my Ls. Stressing and loathing about it wont help and it feels exhausting trying to ask help from my parents. Paranoid about crashing the car and I've been overthinking when going for walks near/crossing the road when the cars are nowhere near me but the hesitation makes worry and is affecting my alertness. I've even begun worrying when going up escalators even though the fear is unreasonable. A lot of hesitation and a lack of confidence with everything I do.

The support groups I've been going to so I can take my mind off things have had their funding cut so they've been changed to fortnightly and the counselor I've been going to won't be able to see me for a couple months.

I don't know what I want to do long term so I'm trying to change my mindset. Its fine to not make a lot of money, its fine to keep living at home with my parents, its fine not to accomplish anything grand and have a simple life. I have lots of ideas and thoughts of things to do but never follow through and just wallow in self pity and feeling restricted and limited in what I can do having to compromise I dont know

[Croix]

Dear Geelt~

If you have a traineeship and are able to continue with it then you have made a good choice - no real need to worry as much about your ability to make choices.

Being kind to your father and letting him pour out his troubles is going to have an effect on you, no doubt about it. One can start to feel overwhelmed by this and if one were to stop would feel guilty. So can I suggest you ration the number of times you talk. This may not only reduce the frequency of the burden on your shoulders but also give you some control.

While I think of it you are not your father and will not make the same mistakes.(I"m sure, like me, you can find new ones to make🙂

You give a very insightful account of your mother's situation, a case of 'empty nest'. Having put her heart and soul into raising a family she now finds htat part of he life is over and is finding difficulty finding a new purpose, clinging to old ways becuse they are what she has always done.

Is there any way you can explain it is not a lack of love, but as children leave the nest they need a measure of independence to keep on growing?

I'd suggest cook your food, offer her some, but if she insists on bustling around try to ignore her.

If you would like to let us know how you are going that would be good

Croix

[geelt]

Tired of the same unnecessary things everyday. Mum acts like we have no agency of our own. We are incapable of thinking of things and doing them. EVERY DAY ASKING MY SISTER IF SHE WANTS A GLASS OF ORANGE JUICE WHEN SHE IS FULLY CAPABLE OF GETTING IT HERSELF OR WHEN MY SISTER IS LITERALLY AT THE FRIDGE HOLDING THE BOTTLE OF ORANGE JUICE. WE ARE ADULTS ALREADY HOW CAN YOU PREACH AND HOPE THAT WE BECOME INDEPENDATN WHEN YOU STOP US FROM DOING ANYRHHING YOU WOULD STILL WIPE OUR BUTTS FOR US BECAUSE YOU CANT TRUST US TO DO ANYTHING She has nothing going on in her life so she just repeats the same irritating actions over and over and any deviation means she must know the reason. Shes so annoying. I can’t call her out because she just won’t get it. Everyday its her cooking dinner and sitting for 2 hours waiting so she can do the dishes.I know its natural for parents to worry for their kids.

Stupid siblings love fighting and making it so convoluted and annoying to do or organise anything. Making a gamily group so we can easily communicate them stupud brother uses it to say creepy and annoying things then sister blocks him because all he does it be annoying so i have to repeat what he says and otis stuypid. No point in me cooking my own dinner because i will have to eat at 9pm because thats when mum wont be in kitchen and if i do cook my own food then i will have to organise what my siblings are eating anyways because my mum doesnt know how to ask and my brother is an irritable stupid rat. I cant rest or relax have to spend my weekend going with mum to shop because brotehr only things of what to get when we are halfway shopping. I know what needs to be done need to stop enabling brother.

I can’t help her, I can’t help myself. Conversing with her is frustrating. . and want meaning in your own life when.
Im too tired to deal with this. Im already fatigued from taineeship and walking. There is no reward no joy no relax. No happy. Go gp tell her i feel bad . im not happy say i walk 1 and half hours every day going to and back from work but she says i need to exercise more. Leg hurt from walking i knw i need stretch need do more too much do no do anything.
I feel like im falling a part. I cant keep up with this nonsense. I love and appreciate mum but I cannot keep up with the nonsense.

Sso many disrtactrions im wasting money on things i dont have the time to do. I dont enjoy being an adult. I dont want to be a kid again. I just dont ejoy life.

[geelt]

My traineeship is over and I haven't found work. I don't feel like I've learnt much or grown as a person after 4 months. As soon as the traineeship was over it was back to square one. I got sick for a week and didn't pass a job interview.

I can't stand up for myself. I let people walk all over me. I've been trapped in this defeatist mindset. I have to do so much deconstruction and unraveling before I can start living like a human.

I'm in a rut and feeling overwhelmed at the moment. I'm making no progress. I have no one to blame for myself. After reflecting I haven't changed at all since I dropped out of University. I haven't fundamentally changed as a person or grown. I'm facing the same problems the same barriers with the same lack of solutions.

Is it fear or laziness?

Will things change if I move out of home? It's not a good environment to be in. I don't have the means to move out. Even if I move out things wont fundamentally change. Lately I keep thinking back when I was in a mental health ward. Having no contact with my parents for 5 days was cathartic and the worst part of the 2 week stay was when they visited. I didn't have to worry about anything there. I didn't have to look after myself, no external stress.Maybe in this stressful moment im looking back with rose tinted glasses.

I wish I didn't have to worry so much about life, worry about jobs, career, money. I know living without growing or changing or thinking is bad. I need to grow and change and face hardships. Change is painful and I shouldn't stress myself over changing other people.

I could do so much more but my mind is stopping me.

[Croix]

Dear Geelt~

Welcome back, it's a pity the trainee-ship finished, and you still have an empty nest mother to cope with.

While I can understand you looking back on the psych ward as good because it gave you a rest from your parents I suspect you are right, and looking through rose colored glasses. I've never been in one I enjoyed, though do accept they can do good. Too many others htere are in a bad way which makes me feel for them , and get upset. Not being allowed out (though sometimes one can get leave) is another, as is the TV on the sort of day-time TV I'd avoid.

It may not be possible to change everything straight away, though I'd imagine you are in the applying for jobs treadmill, a most unsettling and upsetting frustration.

You do need a break, so can I suggest that you allow a certain amout of time at the end of each day to do something you enjoy or distracts you. It need not be something you  spend money on. I use library books, movies on TV and talking to others as just a few of these things.

It does two things, it give you something to look forward to each day, and it is a sort of reward, just for you. I found as time went on I felt worthy of being rewarded and more confident as a result

Croix

[Croix]

Dear Geelt~

There is on tihng I forgot to mention I beieve is important

You said "Is it fear or laziness?"

Judging by myself it is not laziness, it is indeed fear, fear of not doing well or failing. For me this was brought on by my anxiety condition, not through any flaw in character (something I feared too).

Now I rarely suffer from the same problem and am able to tackle things I would never even attempted years ago when my condition was worse.

I hope this gives you some encouragement and helps you see yourself in a more positive light

Croix

[geelt]

Hello Croix,

In the month since I last posted I got a job interview and wasn't chosen for the job because the other candidate had more experience in the role.

My employment agency found a fast food place that needed some workers. They told me about it a month ago but nothing of it and I went there yesterday for work trial but there was miscommunication between the owner and the employment agency. I was supposed to do a 2 hour trial today but ended up staying for 4 hours and the owner tried to get me to work longer. I didn't like the trial, the shop was very disorganized and cramped.

The owners don't speak English that well and its difficult to communicate with them. I end up taking up space and since its so cramped I end up in the way. At times there's nothing for me to do so I try memorizing things buts its difficult deciphering things and then the couple start arguing with each other and it feels like im at home listening to my parents argue because theyre arguing in the same language my parents argue in and I can understand some words and it makes me paranoid and im trying to translate in my head while im trying to do something. I feel like collapsing dizzy about to pass out at times. I felt like they didnt explain things well, i know how hard it is to explain things but it was difficult understanding what they meant. They would say to do something without explaining why and sometimes not explain things at all. I feel dumb i wasn't processing everythng properly. I dont want to blame others or make excuses I dont know how to learn. I remember most of the things they said and wrote them down afterwards. I find myself learning better doing things hands on but the owner kept taking over so it was difficult learning how to do things. I feel so weak willed and pathetic.

I really don't want to work there but I need to find a job but I have a bad gut feeling about the place. The employment agency is pressuring me to work there even though I said I was having doubts. Seeing the lack of opportunities and how desperate I feel make me feel more regret about how much I've hindered and didn't take the most of opportunities in the past. How little experience I have in the real world.

My dad used to run a fast food shop and i kept thinking about him and how troubled he is now everyone else in the household cant stand him. thinkin about the fish and chip shop makes me think about the pastI keep thinking about the past but its dumb because I was barely a decade old then what was I suppsoed to do and what am i supposed to doa bout it now. i was a dumb kid then a dumb teenager then a dumb young adult and i am still a dumb young adult soon to be a middle 20s dumb adult.

I felt sick and felt like throwing up afterwards. I lost my wallet but fortunately found it. It fell out of my pocket at the bus stop but fortunately it was still there after i took another bus back.

I'm dreading going there again tomorrow.

I'm trying to do some reading each night before bed. Just comics from the library. sometimes i dont want to read because it makes me think too much before bed.

[geelt]

I'm unhappy with how things are in my family.

I don't have any support networks and being around family makes me worse off. Everyone is sick of each other.

I end up being the one that things get pushed onto. I am the yes man. I'm letting myself get walked all over and trampled. Any conflict or me standing up for myself gets nowhere. If I step away and say its not my problem it'll become my problem. If im not spoonfeeding or mediating everything there will be complaints and arguing and i'll be dragged into things again. I've dug my hole and have to deal with the consequences. I'm part of this stupid system I can't stand. Parents who don't know how to shut up. Siblings who don't want to talk to the parents. Language barriers making communication a chore. I'm burning myself out for nothing. I can barely think straight at times. I get a place to stay and food to eat its all stagnant. Full of people who wont grow up, me included.

I've developed a bad habit of thinking too far ahead trying to predict everything

No one is willing to change or help each other.

I can't stand the thought of interacting and dealing with people anymore. Getting dragged into all their drama and own unhappiness.

I'm thinking of no longer going to my employment agency. I'm getting nowhere with them. I don't feel listened to or treated like a person. I feel dismissed and less of a person each time. Made to feel like everything is my fault.

Everything feels hostile and I'm feeling hostile as a result. I can't tell whats real and whats my own head telling me otherwise.

[Croix]

Dear Geelt~

That fast food place sounds a bit of a nightmare and I'm surprised that "language difficulties" between understanding the difference between 2 hours and expecting 4+ is the root cause, sounds more like exploitation.

It is only to be expected  when starting a new job that things have to be explained. Both the new person and the employer have to make a special effort. New employees do not simply magically appear filled wiht all the knowledge, practice and experience to take up duties.

Things need to be explained in a language the listener understands, and there needs to be patience, if  a newcomer is slow or going down the wrong track they should not just  be shouldered out of the way, but shown what to do, otherwise how can they learn?

I"m sure you did the best anyone could do in the circumstances, and by writing down what you could afterwards shows your thoroughness and competence in adapting.

Many have the wrong idea of who deserves admiration. It is not the peron with the enjoyable well-paid job, a happy home and a decent place to live. Admiration should go to those that do not have those things and face difficulties in every direction and keep on going.

It may be the employment agency is treating you shabbily wihtout respect, they  only have to place you to get paid, suitability does not always come int it.

If one is not treated well on a long term basis it is very easy to slip into the mistake of thinking it one's own fault, a human tendency that makes matters worse. It is more likley it is others -not you.

Can I suggest you get a different selection from the library. Comics sound good, though it does depend on the story line, perhaps illustrated novels might be better. You are certainly on the right track trying to get calming material at night. You can also - if it is like my library - you can download audio-books, which my not leave you with much time for thoughts you do not want while listening.

If you would like to let us know how you get on that would be great

Croix

[geelt]

Hi croix,

The fast food job ended up falling through. I keep fumbling any chance i get. I feel tooall over the place to hold a job. i lately i am one step from breaking down mentally. in a bad mood and i havent been able to leave the house due to weather. i dont wan t to think about going through a tough day at work then going home to a hostile home. im so weak mentally. its pathetic.

I dont want to see my employment agency anymore.

I had a breakdown today and nothing helped calm me down. Having no one to confide with or talk to makes me feel so lonely and isolated.

Interacting with each family member is draining and unfulfilling. I don't want to be caught in their drama and bickering. People unable to talk to eachother so i have to do the talking. for stupid things. I don't want it to be my job to do these things but no one else will do it. I can barely think because I end up being the voicepiece in this broken family. Its not hard work i feel crazy letting it get to me.

no one wants to talk to one another. everyone sours eachothers mood. its suffocating. its out of my control. siblings arent on speaking terms

I bite off more than i can chew for people that are ungrateful and dont care. For reasons that make no sense because others cant show tough love.

I put pressure on myself make myself feel rushed because of paranoia and fear of always being watched and monitored.

I feel like a monster and it hurts

I dont like being in the kitchen with other people.

im letting myself get walked all over. if im not the one to take everything in then conflict will happen. i really dont need to do this to myself it isnt worth it the family is going to rot

My library also has audiobooks. sometimes im too iritated by both listening to something and m own thoughts. I cant find the right thing to calm me down . earbuds can be uncomfortable when lying on a pillow and the walls are to thin to have it playing on speaker low volume.

[Croix]

Dear Geelt~

Life sounds a bit grim at the moment and being home wiht all those competing demands and obligations simply makes matters worse.

The mind does indeed go down it's own path and never seems to choose nice or restful themes.

I'd like to tell you about the time it looked like I had lung cancer and had to wait 3 months as a biopsy was not possible and it was a case of waiting to see if the growth became more pronounced - fortunately it didn't and so I'm here talking to you.

Why do I talk of this? Well during those three months I found I was reflecting then was cutting down on the things I felt I had to do, preparing for when I was permanently absent as it were. I came to realise htat I'd been talking a lot more on than I should have, partly out of a sense of duty, partly though vanity, partly pressure from others, and partly though habit.

OK, some tihngs are necessary out of duty, helping someone who is sick to eat is an example - or was for me. Trying to deal with family arguments, expectations and blame was not. I found that I simply had to let people make thier own mess and clean it up themselves -or not - as the case may be. They were all adults after all. It is not my duty to attempt to make everything 'right'!

It certainly relieved a lot of pressure, I worried less and had time for other things that just pleased me

I guess you can see where I'm heading, and wihtout those particular circumstances I might never have learned these things -and kept on grinding myself down with perceived duties, and blaming myself if they did not work out or was told I'd not done things properly.

One of the hardest words to learn in the English language is "No" - and also how to say it causing the least arguments and bad feelings. From all you say I'd think you could do with some of that.

You said that both your thoughts and an audio book at the same itme was not on, and earbuds uncomfortable. The last thing is the easiest -you can get an under the pillow speaker - they are cheap.

The harder thing is not choosing a book you might enjoy but stopping the thoughts. I can't dive straight into a book in the middle of the night, my mind is not ready to let go, so first I have to reduce myself to a clam receptive state.

I do this using a free smartphone app called Smiling Mind. This is not an instant fix but takes practice -maybe a week, maybe longer or shorter. for it to be effective. There are umpteen exercises in it to encourage the mind to let go and simply concentrate on one simple thing, a leaf caught in a stream, learning to relax the body and breath and much more.

There are a lot of different levels, from child to adult, from those that can concentrate to those that can't. I've the attention span of a goldfish but by searching found one exercise that suits me down to the ground. A gentle voice gently reminds me to pull my mind back on track just as frequently as I need. 

I suggest you give it a good go -if you persevere you can end up being able to reach that calm state where you are ready enjoy a hearabook or something else.

Croix