Feeling numb

[LTee10]

I don’t exactly know if what I am feeling is classified as depression or if I am being over dramatic.

For a long time now I have had negative thoughts about myself when I am sad/upset or having a bad day. I think that I am ugly, fat, useless, stupid and I am a burden to everybody. Everything just hits me all at once.

Most of the times I cry my eyes out to the point they are red and puffy, I listen to sad songs feeling so numb and broken my heart literally feels like it’s dropping. I have thoughts of suicide all the time when I am sad (but not actually attempt it as I am scared of the pain) I find myself writing goodbye notes to my family hoping it will help me/make me feel better.

I feel so much hurt and sadness to the point I think everyone would be better off if I was gone or that I was not born.

I so badly want to talk to someone about it but it’s hard trying to express myself, I feel like they may not understand or might even judge me. I can’t even talk to family about it as I am too embarrassed.

I just need advice on what I should do because I hate these feelings and don’t want to feel them anymore.

[Sophie_M]

Hi LTee10, Thank you for sharing this with us and welcome to the forums.

We're so sorry to hear how difficult things are for you right now, it sounds like you're really struggling with these intense feelings. We want to let you know that you are not alone and there is support out there.

As well as this wonderful online community, there are a number of support services with professional mental health counsellors at Beyond Blue (1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) and the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467). Although it may be hard to talk about what’s going on, it also sounds like you really need to share these thoughts and feelings.

[White_Rose]

Dear LTee

Hello and welcome to the forum. I am so sorry you have not received any posts since Sophie wrote to you. Please accept our apologies.

Having depression is very hard and makes us feel so bad. Please believe you are a worthwhile person and someone we want to help and support. Like many here I have been severely depressed and know how it feels. You can get through this even though you may not believe this. This is not being dramatic. It is a normal response to depression.

Are you having any therapy? It sounds as though this would be very useful to you. How much do you know about depression. I often point people to the beyondblue resources which have factual information. Go to Get Support and The Facts at the top of the page and navigate to the various sites from there. Download as many fact sheets as you need. There are some booklets available which you can give to your family. These will be sent to you if you ask. No charge.

I suggest you get several booklets and give them to your family as it may help you to talk to them once they have read the information. Talking is good and you can post here as often as you wish. This time we will make sure you get replies earlier. I know you are struggling and probably feel you are the only one who feels like this or that there is something wrong with you. Not true at all. Your feelings are normal and I admire you for managing for so long. Instead of struggling alone talk to us here.

I think it will help you to get some professional support. See your GP and ask for a referral. Perhaps you can print out your post above and show it to your GP. It will be a good starting point and your GP will take it from there.

Having thoughts about suicide is a way of coping no matter what intention you have. However it would be more helpful to move away from these thoughts when you find yourself dwelling on them. I know how easy it is to slip into these thoughts as I have also had them. It really brings you down to focus on ending your life. Can you find something active to do when you start thinking along these lines? Go for a walk, weed the garden, practice yoga (join a group for this if you would like to learn), paint or draw. You don't need to be a brilliant painter just express your feelings in paint. It's surprising how these activities can change your mindset.

Please post in again.

Mary

[Gambit87]

Hi LTee10,

Welcome! I'm sorry to hear you're going through a tough time, its brutal but you are not alone!

For years I had negative thoughts about myself, That I wasn't good enough, worthless, I wasn't worth peoples time (even though I have amazing friends,family and a beautiful girlfriend) I felt so lonely, I didn't know who I could talk to because I didn't think anyone would want to listen to me. So I just put the happy mask on and just got on with it.

Then the black dog bit me on the butt hard and I had to acknowledge that I needed help. I opened up to my friends, family and my partner and its been such a liberating experience. I'm seeing a great psychologist and I feel i'm starting to get back on track.

Again, YOU are not alone.

As hard as it is - I encourage you to talk to someone! talking it out, hearing yourself speak about whats troubling you can help. I encourage you to speak to a GP and get a mental health care plan and a referral to a psychologist - they are worth every cent.

Getting out and about helps me greatly when im feeling down! going for a walk/bike ride or sitting down and having a coffee really helps me clear the mind.

Its hard and brutal and you feel like theres no escape - but there is light at the end of the tunnel. It does get better. You are worth something to alot of people and thats worth fighting for.

[iitzMickle]

Hey Ltee, I know how you feel I have always been a negative person up until recently. I find that when I’m having negative thoughts if I can catch myself doing it I take 3 really deep breaths. Then I take 15+ seconds to notice what I can see then the same for everything I can hear and then again for everything I can feel. Then I take a minute to notice all three at once and bring myself back into the present moment and focus on what’s around. I found Rob Dial’s “The mindset mentor“ podcast really helpful. Through implementing some of the things he suggests into my everyday life I’ve really noticed a change in myself and so have my family and friends in about a month. This is a massive turn around from about a month ago where I was writing out my own Suicide note. Also if you ever catch yourself thinking negative thoughts about yourself you should say out loud 10 positive things about yourself for each negative thought. What this does is it puts these thoughts into your subconscious mind which cannot tell what’s real and what’s not so whatever your telling it it believes to be true and what it believes is true will feed the way you think consciously. I really hope this helps. Stay strong ❤️

[shad0wings]

Hey LTee10,

My response won't be as long as these wonderful people above, but please try to remember that you are loved, always. Numbness is such a difficult feeling to try and convey, but i have experienced it too. The best advice I have is to speak to those around you about how you're really feeling, because it's really okay not to be okay.

I feel as though speaking to someone close to you and getting in contact with a GP is the best way to go, because these feelings will go in time, there's always light at the end of that deep, dark tunnel.

Sending lots of hugs your way

-tay