Feeling lost

[Guest_10164]

This isn't the first, second or third time in my life I've felt like this. I feel like my friends don't understand and even when they say they do I don't want to be around them, I'm so sad all the time, last week I spent most of the days in bed and didn't tell anyone and when I did finally disclose how horrible the feelings were making me I felt supported for one whole day. I get everyone has their own stuff going on but I feel so alone. When they do say they want to come see me, I find myself making excuses not to hang out with them, I feel myself screaming inside my head, I want to be around them but I don't know if it's my pride or my depression that takes over and doesn't let me be with them. I feel so trapped in my life, but I don't know what to do to shift my mindset. Lately the self harming thoughts have slowly been creeping in, so much so I have to physically force myself to stay in bed so I don't do anything bad. I need help but it's such an effort and I kinda feel like why am I bothering, in a year everyone will forget I was even alive if I ever did anything. I don't see the point anymore. I need an escape but would that even really help or is that just a band-aid until the feelings wash back into my head. What do I do??

[white knight]

Hi, welcome,

I think we can help. We are open for you to post 24/7/365 even xmas day then sit back and wait for a reply. This can fill gaps in professional treatments but doesnt replace them.

The reason this forum ois so popular is because people without a mental health issue cannot relate to us. It isnt their fault. Imagine being an astronaut, you return to earth and begin to describe how it was like to walk on the moon... How many people would get the rear feeling of what it was like? Only those that walked with you! That's why "birds of a feather flock together". So they lose interest as they cannot SEE the illness and dont have the skills to comfort you. So seek better friendship by only seeing your friends when you feel ok and you are a delight to be with.

Re: " I feel so trapped in my life, but I don't know what to do to shift my mindset."  It seems clear that therapy is needed so I hope you are getting treatment. Changes in mindset isnt easy but it is, in my own experience, possible with a radical shift in your lifestyle. Eg changes in- environment (city to country living?), Career/employment, accommodation, removing toxic people, new hobby/sport and so on. I found that being depressed removes a lot of logic from my mind, so I revert to advice I had years ago eg walk around the block or do a jigsaw, this is called distraction and it works. Doing good deeds for others works, it leaves you fulfilled and happy.

Seeking treatment or even a GP visit can seem arduous for someone with depression, but, it is essential. So a switch in mindset is required and below, I've got a few threads for you to read- you only need to read the first page of each, it doesnt take long but could change your outlook. Also I'm hoping you remain on this forum whenever you need advice or to vent. We often get long term members that come and go because we've listened to them each time.

"Escaping" isnt realistically going to help you unless it is a planned change in life. If you are unhappy with your surroundings/job etc then sure, you can change things like get a job fly in fly out or on a farm perhaps that could help you reconsider where you want to be in life.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/switching-mindsets/td-p/274532

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/when-all-is-lost-what-can-you-do-be-radical/td-p/47...

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/relationship-and-family-issues/they-just-wont-understand-why/m-p...

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/mental-health/suicide-prevention/suicide-safety-planning

Finally, we dont like hearing of self harm. It is a level of desperation I've gone through once myself. We are here to help you along your lonely path.

Take care. Reply anytime Tori86, you are precious.

TonyWK

[Rach28]

Hi there! Im struggling with severe depression right now too. Luckily I'm not having any self-harm thoughts. Can i please just say something to you. I dont know you but I do know one thing. Your life is precious. Please dont do anything to end it so soon, life sucks. Believe me I completely agree with that. But ending your life is a coward option. The brave choice is to keep surviving even when you feel you are drowning. That's how i feel right now and I'm trying my best to just focus on every breath and taking it one step at a time. Sometimes even just trying to focus on the next hour, the next task. One thing at a time. I hope my words help because you do matter! You are not alone and depression sucks. I hate it, im struggling with it too. And I wish I could just stop feeloing this way, but i have to just push through this and hope that on the other side there's a shining light waiting for me. 

[Rach28]

And i know how you feel about 'feeling trapped in your life'. That's exactly how i feel right now. I'm so stressed out about decisions that others are forcing on me. Plus my current life circumstance have been ongoing for several years, im seeing multiple counselling and changing them regularly. It sucks! And alot of the time I feel "trapped". It sucks cause internally I want to scream but if I do bad things will happen as a result (e.g. losing my Centrelink payment and ill end up homeless). Its exhausting having all this internal thoughts and feelings, and I wish so badly someone would just listen to me and support me. That's what im struggling with right now. I guess I'm sharing this with you, so that you know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Seriously your not alone. I am struggling with mental health right now, and it sucks. Its been really bad for me for a month now. And i wish I knew when it would end, but I'm trying to stay strong and do my best to just focus on one day at a time. And hopefully at some point, things will change. I wish I knew when and how. But i know that if i can control one tiny aspect of my life, and everything else feels out of control. I'm going to cling to that tiny piece with all my life. 

So I hope you can find something to just help you get through the day and please be kind to yourself. 

Your dealing with alot and reaching out for help. Your voicing your concerns and that takes so much bravery. 

You should be proud of yourself.

[Guest_10164]

That's for your reply, I appreciate the msg and I hope your doing okay today, my friends have reached out again today and I just find myself pushing them away, I don't want to but it's like almost automatic at this point. I do want a change I think. I'm not sure what to do in that area of my life and for it's cleaning my place at night it feels good although i feel at the time it's a lot of work, it makes me feel good that I go to bed every night with a clean house and I guess that's what I can control and I do feel like in some way that help me, I used to walk to get out of my environment but I recently hurt my back and so I'm again trapped at home. Being trapped in my home feels like being trapped in my head I don't like it and then I have to wrestle with the voices in my head that are on constant repeat about how bad a person I am, how bad of a friend I am, about how bad a mum I am, how all these people would probably be better off without me around. It's a horrible feeling. I want to get help and have reached out to my psychologist and my counsellor and I am thinking medication might help me, I've always hated medication and used to use drugs and alcohol to numb the feelings but I don't want to be that person any more and I've been clean for 5 years now and I don't ever want to touch that stuff again. 

[therising]

An enormous warm welcome to you at such a deeply and intensely challenging time in your life.

I can relate to what you mention about the inner dialogue factor. I can recall asking around, some time ago, who hears 'You' and who hears 'I' when it comes to inner dialogue. I was genuinely surprised by the number of people I know who hear 'You', 'Your', 'You're' etc. For example, while some people's inner dialogue sounds like 'I have got to leave this job, it's destroying me', other's inner dialogue sounds more like 'You have got to leave this job it's destroying you'. When it comes to the 'you' factor of inner dialogue, the question becomes 'Where the heck is that coming from?'. What is it that's talking to us, that so called 'voice'? So many different theories out there but I've found it's more so about going with the theory that works for us. Each to their own.

Being an imaginative gal, I like to imagine a variety of theories. One involves there being many different facets to us. So, you could say 'What part of myself am I tapping into here, on this occasion?'. Could it be some depressing aspect or the saboteur or the pessimist in me or something else? If we choose to imagine it's the saboteur that's saying to us 'Don't call a friend. Nothing they're going to say will make any difference to you. Why not just sit on your own and work out the depressing stuff you're trying to deal with', if it's convincing enough then it's going to convince us to sit alone and feel what feels soul destroying.

OR

We could say, with that old and simple angel on one shoulder/devil on the other concept, 'Is this devilish inner dialogue or does it feel divine? Is it making a kind of hell on earth for me or does this feel like heaven on earth?'. If the inner dialogue feels more like hell on earth, how to turn to the other shoulder becomes the ultimate challenge. What skills and strategies are involved in dialing the volume down on the devilish side and up on the more angelic side?

Managing inner dialogue can become one of the ultimate challenges in depression, that's for sure. I may sound a little questionable when I say it can't hurt to develop a 2 way conversation at times. Whatever it is that says to us on occasion (in the depths of depression) 'You are worthless and a waste of space and everyone would be better off without you', it can't hurt to have a comeback such as 'Oh, my god, it's you again. Get the hell out of my head! You are seriously depressing'.

[Optical1]

You are going through so much and it's a really tough time.

One thing I've learned is that we can't do this alone.

With mental illness we need help. Usually that is professional help. Good on you for seeing your psychologist and counsellor. I hope you have or can find a really great gp too.

Medication saved my life. I know it feels like a big decision and you are hesitant to try it but you might find it really helps. You actually don't know till you try.

Please get all the help you need. It's ok to need medical help too.

[Guest_10164]

Thanks, so recent update you know they say bad stuff happens in threes well, I hurt my back trying to be active so that's really set me back and then today my fridge broke and I have no idea what to do about that 😞. But I did find a great doctor who was so kind and understanding and really made me feel listened to. He gave me some anti depressants so I'm trying them and so far so good, they give me migraines and but I am also taking anti inflammatories and heavy pain killers as well. I make sure I talk to my friends even if I have to fake the Interactions it's still getting me out of my mindset. But I appreciate the response. It was really dark there for a moment and I need to remember to be kind to myself. Thank you 

[Guest_10164]

Honestly that makes sense to me, and for me it is kinda like an internal dialogue, but it's this dark part of me that I argue with. It almost feels like it's a part of me that wants to believe the stuff awful people have said to me or about me. But I will take that on board and try to recognise what part of me is saying that and focus on resolutions internally. For now I'm trialing some new meds and cause I recently hurt my back and am on heavy pain meds I don't have any dark desires I am kinda numb a little and I kinda like that feeling. Although I do get splitting migraines it's kinda worth it not having to overthink every single minor detail of a conversation that I've had with someone or myself. Kinda like a mental holiday.

[therising]

With me being a gal who used to drink to manage inner dialogue and emotional regulation (not a good strategy I should add), I get what you mean by the pain medication offering a break from what you don't want to feel or hear in the way of inner dialogue. It becomes understandable as to why alcohol or certain drugs become addictive, especially for those who suffer in depression.

I've found, with depression, part of the challenge involves getting a feel for upshifts and downshifts. If imagining depression's some well-like hole in the ground (an actual depression), what leads us to the brink of that well, what takes us in, what leads us further down into it and what raises us bit by bit while we're in there? That last one's incredibly important, as it points to who we naturally are. For example

• While we may be someone who feels downshifts through internal dialogue while living on our own, we may naturally be someone who requires distraction through the presence of others
• While we may be someone who struggles with feeling downshifts through a depressing lack of inspiration, we may naturally be someone who requires being raised through inspiration. Even in the deepest parts of depression, I can still feel inspiration. If 1000 people were to say to me something they regarded as inspiring, I may not feel the first 999 of them as being inspirational. If that last person out of 1000 says exactly what I need to hear, I will feel it. This is where being a seeker of inspiration comes into play. To go through as many people as possible (authors, YouTubers, podcasters, friends, family etc), until one finally says something that resonates can require a heck of a lot of time and research but it can be well worth the time and effort. 'I'm not going to stop until I find he/she/that which I feel as being inspirational'. Btw, it can feel like a depressing search while finding all those who aren't inspirational
• If we're someone who feels the downshifts through our so called 'inner demons' (brutal inner critic, anxiety inducing inner stresser etc), we may naturally be someone who has to develop ways to master them while also developing aspects like 'the sage' in us. 'Finding my inner sage' could be an interesting Google search, offering something that perhaps resonates. This is a part of me I struggle to live without. It's the voice of reason, intuition, inspiration and most importantly the part that helps manage what can feel soul destroying. With me staying with my 86yo mum for the last month while she's been unwell, I've found myself not wanting to go back home to my husband and 2 grown kids. And while I struggle with feeling a sense of guilt while thinking this way, my inner sage insists 'You don't want to go back because that's no way to live'. So true. Here, at my mother's place, I feel a sense of peace, a sense of mutual support, a sense of joy and so much more of all the good stuff. At home, I rarely feel those things. As an added revelation, the sage in me insists 'When you return home, things need to dramatically change for the better'. If not for that imagined sage in me, I'd simply feel the whole thing as depressing with no constructive inner dialogue