Feeling lost

[Down-Mum]

Hi guys,

first time posting. Not really sure where to start, growing up sucked balls but it is what it is.  My adult life I met my husband 8 years later we got married, my mum passed away 1 week before our wedding, that was a hard ticket to cop. Moving forward, I took care of my dad with his bills (while paying our own house repayments etc) until my dad sold the family home for much less than what it was worth as he had no choice. At this time I got my dad into an over 50’s place that backed onto the same street I lived which I loved as we could take care of him, we would cook a meal for him (hubby likes to slow cook meat) so dad would come up once a week and if we had leftovers we would take them down to my dad. Friday afternoons my son and I used to go and spend time with my dad.

one Friday he said I’ll get you to take me to the hospital to get this X-ray done if that ok, I told him no problem, by Sunday morning his neighbour was knocking at my door saying that things weren’t good at dads. She called the ambulance, when I walked down there I had to break into dads unit, he had fallen over and proceeded to ask for me, while laying on the floor pretty much de*d he told me that he had been on the floor since Tuesday, I had been there the Monday. 
I just can’t seem to overcome this, even at 230am my mind still goes though crazy thoughts if I had of done things sooner etc. 

I know I can’t blame myself. My brother promised me a funeral, dad didn’t have a lot of money as my husband and I had been paying a lot of bills that the other kids didn’t know about. He spent 18 days in intensive care after being declared brain dead, which I spent every day by his side, my dad was my best friend after mum passed, we became closer than ever.

my dad got cremated without a ceremony or any family being there which I think im

struggling with as I didn’t get any closure.   

Sorry if this doesn’t make sense I was just typing as thinking. My head is a mess and I need to vent and find other people who maybe going through what I have who have been able to move forward. 

please help! 

[yggdrasil]

Hi Down-Mum,

Thank you so much for sharing your story on here. I'm so sorry to hear about your Dad's passing. It's a really tragic chain of events, I'm really sorry. 

One thing that really helped me was joining a support group. At the time I was really struggling with depression, so I joined a depression support group. Basically you'd meet up one night a week in a community centre for a few hours and talk about what you were going through, and any strategies or ideas that helped. There was no pressure to talk, and plenty of people would just come to listen. The group was run by a mental health org, who provided "facilitators" to keep the discussion on track. Eventually I became a facilitator myself. I loved the group because everyone was going through similar stuff, and so understood immediately what you meant when you tried to describe what you were going through. There was a real vibe of understanding and empathy which I found therapeutic. 

The group I was in shut down during COVID, but I'd imagine groups like this will be slowly opening up again. I believe there are also lots of groups out there for grieving and trauma. Are there any "neighbourhood houses" or somesuch in your area? Calling them could help you find out if there are any groups near you. Perhaps googling or calling/emailing orgs like Beyond Blue would also help you find support groups.

Also, have you ever spoken to your GP about what you're going through? A GP can set up a "mental health care plan", which allows you to access 10-20 free counselling sessions with a psychologist or social worker of your choice. If you ask around for recommendations you will be able to find a psych/social worker experienced with the heavier end of things - this is what I did and it helped me find someone who was a really good fit.  All the best,

yggdrasil

[Down-Mum]

Hi there,

thanks so much for your reply, I’ll be sure to look into the places you mentioned. 

[ecomama]

Hi Down Mum, you've been through a lot. 

I'm so sorry for the passing of your dad and in such a traumatic way for you too. Massive hugs. 
I'm so sorry for the passing of your mum just before your Wedding too. 

Losing people we love so deeply and dearly is never easy. Never. 
From my experience, TIME is what we need. 
Time to cry it all out. 
Time to remember the sweet and not so sweet times. 

Recovering from significant loss is a journey. You life WILL move on, it's how you do this that's important now. 

Just a few points for now: 

* ask if the kid's school runs the "Seasons for Growth" program as they could attend this next year. If their school doesn't, you can ask at other places... tbc
* see if you want to have some Grief Counselling? This is not only for talking about your dad and your grief but also about giving you some strategies to help you as you continue to live, 

* self care is of the utmost importance right now. Not only will it help YOU, it will help every member of your family as they see you demonstrate and model self care. 

You can also grieve as a Family. I find this best done as a Celebration, possibly every Tuesday night together for a while as you miss your dad on this night most especially. Perhaps light a candle, say Cheers Pop, we miss you and you can talk about funny times with him. 
Your memories are precious and can be celebrated. 

Love EM

[Down-Mum]

Thank you Em,

I never thought about doing the family celebration but that sounds pretty good. Any idea is worth a try atm. 

💕

[ecomama]

Hugs DM, I am mindful of the fact you didn't have a send off the way you would have wanted to have for your dad. 

Tbh I've never experienced closure from having a wake or a funeral. 
I don't know anyone else who has either. 

The truth is that just because someone is physically gone from our lives, it doesn't mean they're gone from our hearts and minds. 

It could be far too early to expect this but over time, with a weekly or monthly celebration of Pop, you may find this a necessary release of grief at the beginning and a very necessary "invitation" for you and your family to TALK about him. This could support compartmentalising the times you think of him. 

Now you probably think of him every minute. 
I was concerned you wrote about the bad dreams reliving the time you found him injured. Many people do have trauma responses and they can be worse if we don't share, have the opportunity to talk this through with someone supportive. 

Right now your own family is grieving too. It's hard to support others with their grief when you are grieving too but ofcourse it's possible and can be a bonding experience. 

It's heavy. Sharing the load with someone outside your immediate family ie a Grief Counsellor will help you so much. 

Everyone wants a quick fix to end the pain of grief. 
Sadly this isn't possible IME. 

It's a journey and we're here with you for your journey. 

Love EM

[Petal22]

Hi Down Mum,

Wellcome to our forums.

Im so sorry for the loss of your beautiful Mum and more recently your Dad.

I understand as daughters how much we LOVE our Dads…. they really are our best friends and we really just want to be there for them as much as we can.

Im sorry for what happened to your Dad but please try to forgive yourself for what you think you should have done.

Im sure your Dad loved you dearly and would want you to be free of pain from the inside so you can find peace within yourself.

Your Dear Dad is now at peace with your beautiful Mum …. once again together 🙏

May LOVE and warm thoughts surround you for ever more in their loving embrace.

[geoff]

Hello Down-Mum, when you love your parents as you have, it's so difficult to try and accept they have gone, because we always hope and believe they will last forever, and when unfortunately they do pass, we struggle as our soul mates are not with us any more.

Amongst what the others have suggested plant your favourite tree or a shrub in honour of your father.

My deepest sorrow  for all of you who are suffering.

Geoff.

Life Member.