Feeling lost and mood low

[Steves87]

Hi all, 

Thank you for reading if you read this. So lately I’ve had a lot going on with life. It seems life had just dealt my partner and I bad thing after bad thing. We had to move from our place then our doggo got really sick we had to spend 10k he was worth it but the stress of how we were going to find funds to treat him and then borrowing money not knowing if he would survive, to top this off I also have to attend court over being charged with an incident in which I defended myself. Unfortunately I’m the one being charged. So more stress of needing to find money for a lawyer then all this happening whilst moving and then last week I lost my job to top it off. Some background I have adhd was re diagnosed last year and the journey of discovery of knowing I’m neurodiverse doesn’t come without it’s caveats. I have been prescribed the most popular medication and the psychiatrist I was seeing I thought was going to get me on the right path but it’s just been an uphill battle I finally landed my first full time IT role in March and now I’m back to square one. Trying to see a psych is difficult I need to get my meds right I have anger issues and can come across like I’m an angry person but I’m not this is the issue with adhd. I have also been told to get a diagnosis for autism as well as bpd. According to my parents I was diagnosed in the early 90’s I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety since 14 been medication for 22 years never really had luck with psychologists. I’ve struggled with lots of things and not knowing why until my amazing fiancé picked up on a lot of the things I do as she is a teacher and she was convinced I had adhd and sure enough I do. I’m impulsive don’t think before I act it goes on. I had to pull it together to be strong for my partner with everything going on but I just feel empty inside like I’m not a good person I’ve let her down I lost my job I just feel worthless I feel like not being here anymore. I have fears she will leave me like she isn’t happy I feel our situation is a far cry from when we got together almost four years ago it has this sense of darkness like I’m just a massive failure and I’m this 36 year battling with mental Illness and a disability yet I have to fight so hard to function in this world where we are shunned I have to hide my pain no one truly knows what it’s like. Honestly finding things that made me happy don’t anymore or at the moment. I just don’t know what to do anymore. 

[smallwolf]

hello and welcome.

It sounds like you are dealing with a tremendous amount of stress and challenges all at once. 😞

It's easy to be hard on yourself - you are not a failure or a bad person. Having ADHD and other mental health struggles does not define your worth.

Focus on taking things one step at a time and be gentle with yourself. Seeking the right treatment and supports for your neurodiversity is so important and courageous.

It also sounds as though your partner clearly cares about you deeply if she has encouraged you to get assessed and diagnosed. Keep communicating openly with her about how you feel - she wants to understand.

You have so much strength, resilience and value, even if it's hard to feel right now - you have managed to get this far and even post here . Just focus on getting through each day, self-care, and accessing mental health resources. Also writing here can be helpful?  I hope so.

And if you want to chat more ...