I can’t stop it feeling so extremely upset crying and with constant anxiety attacks.
I feel so so depressed and lost. Every few days I’m just okay and slightly able to function and then the other days I’m in so much emotional pain I cry all day and can’t function at all with anxiety attacks and it’s quite extreme.
i will go to have a shower and end up not even being able to do that because I have crying attacks in the pit of my stomach and have to let it out with the anxiety attacks. It’s happens all day and even in the night when I’m not asleep or I have nightmares.
I’ve been under so much pressure lately and we’ve sold my sanctuary, my home of 5 acres I’ve lived for 26 years which has a view and all the wild birds I feed. It’s always been my space, my grounding thru my illness since I was 14. My dad came and said he wanted to sell 3 months ago as fast as he could to invest in shares so he could get my sister a house(she’s a single mum). There was no negotiation or planning , just hurry up all winter trying to find a house to live. None had backyards and we’re all so close to people I was not used to and it gave me severe anxiety. We were under so much pressure from dad to find a place mum and I and him, there was only one place we looked at that was okay and I felt relaxed in and mum liked and it was a big block, a 70s house with a sea view and filled with lots of sheds and rainwater tanks.
When your being forced to look at places that freak you out, and there isn’t much else you go with what is okay.
So we’ve sold our acres but still living here just yet. It’s extremely hard, grieving this place with all it has and the apprehension of going to something not so great.
This home has always helped my mental health and the one thing I had left that made me happy and content and now it’s going to be gone. It’s been my identity.
Now I spiral out of control in my thinking. The backyard is so horrible there. It’s cement paths everywhere and sheds. It’s small and the soil is compacted clay.
there’s no lawn.
I will need to house my chickens there. I dreamt of making it a lawn and cottage garden with lots of native plants to attract native birds but it’s so much work and my parents prob wouldn’t help. I’d need a jackhammer to just get out all the hard concrete and to pull down sheds etc.
And it’s all 70s make you want to throw up out the back and inside somewhat.
And the unfamiliar feelings of this rundown 70s urban place.
I feel heartbroken I’m used to open spaces and lawns
