Feeling emotionless and in a daze

[Garfield2020]

Shit went down recently for me (lost someone. No one died). I was distraught for a couple of days. Crying a lot. Absolutely shattered.

And then I started feeling emotionless even though I know I would and should be feeling emotions.
I feel dazed and trance like. Like a haze. I stare at things but I'm not zoning out or actually staring. I don't feel anything. I don't feel love, despair, hope, sadness, no empathy. Sometimes I get closer to feeling things but I just can't. I'm edging on feeling emotions.
When I do my evening walks, it's extra weird because I just walk like a zombie staring up ahead but not at anything and I just mindlessly walk. Completely emotionless.

I've had experienced this a lot before. I'm only just talking about it know because me feeling nothing right now is really weird. I just want to feel something. And I want to care. But I can't make myself feel anything or care. (btw I don't self harm, never have.)
The only thing that showed I still felt anything was my back pain and shoulder pain which is caused by things like anxiety or stress. But that's also gone.
I used to be scared I was a psychopath or something because I never felt anything at all. No empathy, no care ect.

I told a friend about this and they said that it sounded like disassociation but honestly I have no clue. But It could also be depression? Is it grief? I don't know. I just want to feel something so badly.
I also worry that it means I don't care about what happened or the person I've lost.

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hiya (yes, I disappeared again, sorry).

I'm glad to hear you're comfortable talking to your therapist. The best way to get the "help" we need is to just lay it all out there, so I'm glad you've got someone to do that with. And I'm happy to hear your parents are supportive of your journey towards being your true self. I imagine it's no small thing for you and I hope you're met with lots of love and acceptance, as you deserve. Is there any firm plans in place yet for going to see your grandparents? Or is it still up in the air?

I'm also wondering if you've talked to your GP about medications? If that's something you think might be helpful for you too. It might level things out for you if you're really up and down. If you're not into medication there are other things that can be helpful to, to try and relieve symptoms of anxiety. You can browse the forums here to see what works for other people, or again, talk to your GP or your therapist. I do meditation, exercise, yoga, deep breathing etc. It's really about finding what works for you. All of that can be really hard when you're not in a good mental space, but they really can be helpful. I know you mentioned you like reading. I wonder how you feel about writing? Maybe doing a journal/diary type thing will be helpful in getting your thoughts down and helping you to work through them?

As far as your social life goes, I find when my mental health isn't great, that human interaction is tiring. I deal with it better when I'm in a good space. Can you relate to that? I wonder if it would be helpful to try and get involved in social things that aren't too intense, so you aren't missing out completely, but you're also not overwhelming yourself? You said you get out and play Ingress sometimes (I'm not familiar with that, but I used to play PoGo). What other sort of things do you think you might enjoy doing that will get you out and about a bit more? BTW I think it's really cool you're into Politics. We need more young people interested! Good on you.

Kind thoughts, Katy

[Garfield2020]

Yea no worries, don't gotta apologise. I've also been away.
My parents said we'll probably visit during the middle of the year and my dad was looking at when I have holidays for uni and stuff.

I don't really wanna try meds. Not because I have an issue against meds but I don't consider my issues significant enough to warrant them. If that makes sense. I don't know if this is because i'm under
I do meditate when I have to and I've started listening to rain noises on yt to help me sleep. But otherwise I have no routine involving stuff that might help apart from my daily evening walk.
I do keep a journal. I use it alot and I kinda need it. Because it's proof to me in a way that I'm feeling things or that I was feeling xyz then and so on. Because I often deny how I feel or have felt in the past. Stuff like "I don't have anxiety, I feel alright" or But sometimes I feel like it might make me feel worse. But It helps 100% more than it hurts.

Yea I've noticed I completely isolate myself from my friends and then rely on the internet for my social interaction.
Stuff like DND gets me "out and about" well I don't leave the house since It's at my house but its a few hours of socialising with my friends. And it's regular which is good.

I've also feeling pretty unloved recently. I know rationally people care about me and love me. But I don't feel it. If that makes sense.

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hiya

I went and enrolled for this semester of uni, which made me wonder how your feelings towards uni are going as we get closer? I'm going into my final year, but I have nerves at the start of every semester lol

You actually seem to be doing quite a few positive things for yourself - meditation, rain noise to help you sleep, daily walk, regular catch up with mates, journalling - so that's fantastic. You've mentioned too that your mental health is really up and down. Perhaps your journalling can help you identify any triggers to your changing mood, that can help you keep on track?

As for what you've shared about feeling unloved, it seems to be a common experience for people with mental health issues. Our brains can trick us into thinking negative thoughts. To combat those thoughts, we have to challenge them with the rational, which you've done. People do love and care about you, so just keep reminding yourself of that.

Any news on when you'll be starting HRT? Or are you just on a list until they contact you?

Kind thoughts, Katy

[Garfield2020]

I have figured out that one thing that does affect my mood is lack of social interaction. I don't know if I've mentioned it but yea over christmas and so on, I was extremely lonely and so on. I also isolate myself I think.

I was meant to have an appointment on the 2nd of april but with the whole covid thing, I'm just grateful that the appointment happened via zoom but I was meant to get bloodwork done and stuff. 

Also something that's been screwing with me is that I've finally figured out what's going on with my mum: she's emotionally absent. I kinda resent her for it aswell. I wish I had a mum but not her. And I don't feel like she loves me. That's not a "i feel generally unloved" but a "does my mum even love me?".
I once asked her to list my interests and hobbies and she couldn't think of anything. My sister and my dad know my hobbies and interests, I literally talk about them all the time like at the dinner table. So pretty much a lack of interest in me, my hobbies, my life and so on.


I don't talk to her about my day for example, so I don't know how I'd talk to her about something actually important. I wanted to give her a letter, go to uni for the day and have it all blowover but that's not an option now.

Also I just want the world to end sometimes because I'm just so sick of everything. I don't know how to explain it but the world is unfixable and the only way to make it somewhat alright is to pretty much have it "end" and then rebuild. So the wanting of an alternative to this shitshow or death. This sounds I'm suicidal when I'm genuinely not. I'm just sick and tired of everything. Doom? Maybe I don't know. Majority of my life will be spent slaving away and there'll be nothing I can do about it.
Also this is not caused or linked to the corona stuff since I was feeling this exact stuff in Jan and so on.
But at the same time, I'm so bloody angry over everything going on and I'm ready to go apeshit and it's fueled by all this miserable crap. I don't know how to bring any of this up to a therapist
 

[Sophie_M]

Dear Garfield2020

Thank you so much for reaching out tonight. We're so sorry to hear that you've been so lonely and are struggling with your relationship with your mother. We can understand why this might make you feel the way that you do. Please know that you're not alone in this and there is lots of help available. We've sent you a private message to offer some additional support.

We hope that you're feeling a little better since you posted. Feel free to keep us updated on what's happening for you here.

[Garfield2020]

Thank you Sophie.


Yeah getting it out did make me feel a little better. Thank you for the resources even though I probably won't need them 🙂 I'll be alright
Yeah and I'll keep this shit updated