Feeling down (btw new to these forums)

[Coconut]

Hi! I’m a young teen and quite nervous to talk about how I feel but love how you can stay anonymous. For the past few years I have been dealing with my ocd, adhd, and severe anxiety. However, for the past year I have been feeling not like myself and very sad. Sometimes I’ll be sad with no reason I guess. I don’t like doing my hobbies and I would rather sit in bed all day and watch tv than go to one of my friends house. Lately, school has been tough. My school has very high educational standards. I would say I am quite smart, however my scores haven’t been reflecting that and I feel like I am letting myself down (which I am) but at the same time I have absolutely no motivation whatsoever to study. My adhd affects the way I study, for example after 10 minutes I will have to go for a walk to reset my mind, which can make studying sessions twice as long as they should be. 
I also am very hard on myself and I always have been but it’s getting worse. If I get a 60 percent on my test, I feel like the roof is going to cave in, and I won’t have any shot to get into uni. I’m in my last year of middle school and I know it won’t affect me but my anxiety is telling me it will. A lot of people say I am too young to understand emotions, which is silly because firstly, there’s no minimum age of understanding your emotions, and also I find that I am quite mature. 
Another thing I have noticed is I have been so paranoid at night, like someone is going to break in. I live in one of the safest neighbourhoods and it won’t happen, but I have these thoughts about it happening. My ocd makes me lock the doors 12 times every night and open and close the windows 8 times, which still happens, but it has been getting worse because of my paranoia. 
I have some amazing friends but I feel so lonely. I’m trapped in a bubble that is suffocating me with every step I take and word I say. I don’t know why I am feeling so sad. I cry myself to sleep and I can’t tell any of my friends or family because I don’t want to be that one person that always cries and is a burden. At school, no one would ever pick me to be struggling. I make everyone laugh, and always have a smile on my face. However, inside, I am crying. Sorry if this is a long paragraph. I’ve never done one of these forums and really hoping someone responds. Hopefully someone can understand! Thanks guys and I hope you are doing well!

[indigo22]

Hi Coconut,

Welcome, I am so glad you took the plunge to reach out to us.

I am sorry you are so heavily burdened with mental illness at such a young age. I can relate, although I am now in my 60s, I have been dealing with depression since about the age of 12. You are right, of course you can recognise conflicting emotions at your age, I could also. The problem was that I had not been diagnosed, so I didn't know what the conflict was pointing to. In those days, mental health was not talked about, let alone recognised.

So there are a couple of important things I would like to ask you, I hope that's ok.

Are you currently getting support from medication/psychologist to help you manage your adhd, ocd and anxiety?

Are you getting any support from your family?

I believe that the reason you are feeling sad is that you are trying to manage this on your own without telling anyone how you really feel. None of us can do that for long without it having a negative effect on our health. We humans are social creatures, we are not meant to fly solo. You need to choose one person you can trust and spill the beans and let someone help you. You are not a burden, you are struggling and on top of that, I think you are quite likely a HSP (Highly Sensitive Person) who, by nature, feels things more deeply that most of the general population. You can look up HSP and Elaine Aron to judge for yourself if it sounds like you. I am a HSP, as are a number of people on these forums. The thing that makes me think that you are is that I also cried a lot when I was younger, but what you will come to understand is that many times what you are feeling is not your own feelings, but someone else's. HSP's can be like a sponge, picking up the emotions of those around them without realising they are doing it. There are things that can help and we can talk more about that if you feel that you are a HSP.

You will always get a response here, there just may be a delay. If you reply to this post, I will get a notification and will get back to you as soon as I am able so please don't give that another thought.

I will be here and will offer all the support I can so if you have questions, don't hesitate to ask them.

Take good care and let me know your thoughts when able,

indigo 💜

[Coconut]

Hi Indigo! Thanks for your response! For your first question, yes I am! Yes my family is great! I do talk to my dad a lot! He’s like my secrets bank account, he knows everything haha! I am definitely a HSP! I feel like I care ‘too much’ about things and feel a stronger sense of empathy than most people I know. Thank you for explaining how I am not a burden. Your words really resonate with me, the way you explained it. 
Yes I agree that a reason I am always sad is that I am managing this on my own! Even though I have so many people to talk to, I find it hard to talk about my feelings without getting choked up or tearing up. I also sometimes feel embarrassed talking about how I feel because I’m scared people will call me a drama queen or unsure of my emotions. I know they won’t but it’s the ‘what if’ thoughts which are most of my ocd intrusive thoughts. It’s me knowing that the thing I am thinking about won’t happen, but the fear of the unknown outcome. Those thoughts also cause me a lot of stress.

once again, thanks for your fast and very thoughtful response! 
Coconut (not my real name hehe, fun fact it’s actually my puppy’s name!)

[therising]

Hi Coconut

I'm so glad you've met with the beautiful and supportive Indigo, a truly amazing and inspirational person. I'm also glad you've got your dad, who you can easily and freely speak to. Makes a big difference if we're able to create a circle of people who just get us and what we're all about. Here you are on the forums, productively expanding your circle.

It can feel so validating in so many ways, meeting other highly sensitive people who can relate to certain abilities and the struggles that can come with those abilities. Imagine if, when we were born, someone gave us an instruction manual entitled 'How to use your amazing and mind blowing abilities as a sensitive person' and in that manual there was some troubleshooting section. That manual would definitely make life so much easier, that's for sure. Unfortunately, we gotta work it all out as we go along through life. The best people to help us work it out are those who have the same or similar abilities and struggles and those who have done a ton of research on a lot of it.

With Indigo mentioning Elaine Aron, Anita Moorjani is someone else I've found helpful. She's the author of 'Sensitive Is The New Strong'. Daniel Amen, whose pioneering research into ADHD, is also someone who I've found to be incredibly helpful and inspiring.

To say school is tough for someone who isn't a typical student can be an understatement. For example, if a unique person learns brilliantly and easily through their imagination, they may struggle greatly when facing unimaginative ways of learning (textbook learning, Powerpoint slides, boring teachers etc). Not so much of a problem in primary school but when the work becomes more complex as it goes along in secondary school, it gets harder to learn through what they're not being led to imagine. Boredom becomes an issue. Struggling to focus on what's boring becomes an issue. For a highly imaginative person, school can become a form of torture. And when inner dialogue's insisting 'Why don't you study that fly on the wall, it's far more fascinating', inner dialogue can also become an issue, in regard to distraction and focus.

At the end of the day, the truth may be 'I am someone who has the incredible ability to sense more than most people and I am a truly brilliant highly imaginative person whose imagination is not being utilised within a seriously boring and highly unimaginative school system'. Does this sound like it could be true?

[indigo22]

Hi again Coconut,

It's good to hear back from you. Thank you for your answers, I am really pleased you have that support and your dad sounds like a wonderful person.

So I would like to expand a little on the idea you have of yourself as a burden and I will use your puppy as a perfect example. Suppose your puppy hurt it's leg and couldn't get around easily for a while. Would you then look at your puppy as a burden? Or would you want to give it all the love and support it needed to get well?

Given you are a HSP, I am going to assume that you would choose the second option.

It is the same with your dad, he loves you and only wants the best for you. So if you open up to him about how you are really feeling, he is not going to think of you as a burden, he is going to see his young daughter struggling and do whatever he can to love and support you through this difficult time in your life. He cannot read your mind though, so you need to let him know what is going on and if you get choked up and tearful, take some deep breaths to help you get the words out. He is the adult, you are the young daughter, it is his role to help you become all you can be in this life, you just need to trust him to help you. Let your dad be the one person you can tell everything to, all of your fears, all of your anxiety and allow yourself to cry, it is one of the best ways to release some of the stress in your body. Laughter is another way, so be sure to get as much laughter in as you can, you will notice a difference in the way you feel.

I don't know if you realise how lucky you are to have someone like your dad to share your secrets with. I and many many others have not had that support with our mental health issues which is makes it so much more difficult to manage. We have had to learn through experience, but you don't have to, we can guide you in making better choices.

You mentioned about feeling paranoid about someone breaking in. Do you have a younger sibling by any chance? I ask because this may not be your fear, but fear you are picking up from someone else in your home.

I will give you some tips in the next post about protecting yourself from picking up emotions that are not your own and how to tell the difference.

I hope you are having a good day today,

indigo 💜

[Coconut]

Hi therising! I am SO sorry it has taken so long to repsond! Life has just been quite busy and I am in a much better place now since my new meds have started working (sorry if too much information). Thank you for responding! I definitely find that my school (and others at that) could use more creative ways of teaching especially for us who NEED it for our brains. Another thing I have noticed at school is the vague feedback that teachers give. Instead of (for example) my English teacher telling me exactly what to do in my next essay, she gives a few points on what was wrong and calls it a day. I am a very creative writer and I have found that some teachers don't like how creative I am which is surprising. So, I feel like I am getting pushed back by my OWN teachers to fit into their very slim and perfect set of rules for writing, but writing is about expressing opinions, feelings and thoughts, and at this point, it feels like the teachers aren't pushing me to actually write, but just complete an essay without true meaning. That is what I think. Another thing that has been difficult at school has been teachers not letting me do tests. Sounds weird, I know! Lets say I miss two sessions on the topic of World War 1, but have been to the rest and have completed my homework. My Hums teacher said he is not letting me do the test because "I will get a bad score and be upset with him, and he doesn't want that." So, you're not letting me do a test that is countring towards my final grade because you are assuming I will get a bade score and be upset with YOU? How is this fair? I know this is an issue with the teacher but I just feel like telling someone else because this cannot be right. My parents are having a meeting with the school but still anxious. 

Overall I am doing better within myself , but school still brings dread and I am finding myself trying to use shortcuts or AI which I do not want to do! It is like a vicious cycle. I am trying to do an assignment, I am struggling and use AI, but then feel so guilty and worthless. I am trying to prove someone out there that I am smart, maybe myself but also maybe my past self? Just this feeling of, if I don't get perfect scores, I won't be able to be a VET (which is my drea mjob) and my year level coordinator (who is great) tells me it really doesn't matter what my grades are right now, which I am trying to tell myself, but my other teachers are telling me HOW important they are. I don't know who to listen to ! Thanks for reading and once again I am sorry for the late response and if anything doesn't make sense! 
Hope to hear from you and read your thoughts! 

[Coconut]

Hi Indigo! So sorry for the extremely late response, life has been very busy. First off, I would definetly not see my puppy as a burden! I can understand the metaphor and trying to tell myself this is how he feels (my Dad). I just also feel guilty because he has a lot on his plate and I do not want to add more to it with my problems and worries. I am very grateful that I get to talk with him about anything and everything, but want to make sure I am not putting more on his plate. 

I am actually the youngest sibling! I am not sure why I am feeling this way. I know that break-ins happen on the news but certainly nowhere near me. 

I am excited to read your next post! And once again sorry for the late response. I hope you have a good day. 

[indigo22]

Hi Coconut,

Lovely to hear from you, I was the youngest sibling too. Unfortunately, my family didn't have any understanding of highly sensitive personalities and my eldest siblings often called me "cry baby" which definitely didn't help.

You are so typically HSP with not wanting to overburden your dad, I was like that with people too. The problem with that is that we end up burying a lot inside which can come back to bite us later in life. If you have a counsellor at the school, can I suggest off loading some of what you are feeling about school with them. The worst thing we can do to ourselves is to not acknowledge what is really going on inside. What we bury, becomes trapped in our body and causes more problems down the track. So no more pretending ok, talk to your dad about the things you feel you can and find other outlets for the rest, whether that be a counsellor, an older sibling, an extended family member (like an aunt or uncle), someone older who can offer some good advice. Of course you can also talk to us.

I promised to give you some pointers on how to tell if what you are feeling is your own or someone else's energy and how to protect yourself. I will give you another metaphor. Suppose you wake up and you are feeling good, you get ready for school and everything is fine. Then you arrive at school and within a short time, for some unknown reason you are not feeling good anymore, your energy now feels heavy and uncomfortable. This is a signal that you are picking up on someone else's negative energy. Someone may have had an argument with a family member or they get bullied at school and you are soaking that up. This does not mean you can't help others if they are going through a difficult time, but you do need to protect your own energy. In order to do that, prior to going to school (or anywhere else where there will be a lot of people), spend a few minutes using your imagination and see yourself surrounded by a protective shield of white light (or if you are like me and prefer colour, imagine rainbow light). Imagine this protective shield only lets love and positive energy in, anything negative bounces off the surface and cannot get through. If you like, you can ask your guardian angel to help you with this. With time, you will learn to recognise your own energy.

Let me know how this works for you.

Take good care of yourself (and your lovely puppy),

indigo 💜