Feeling depressed and lonely

[Sla24-]

I have had depression for a long time now and have a lot of hurt and anger inside me from my past. My first baby was stillborn, I have been hurt by family members, in-laws and friends and lost my Mum a couple of years ago. Just feel so down and lonely 

[indigo22]

Hi Sla24-,

I am sorry to hear how low you are feeling at the moment. I have never had a child but have experienced all other areas that you mentioned and can empathise with your feelings. It is hard to come to terms with the fact that the ones that you love the most are the ones that have caused you the most harm. It can effect your self-worth, self-esteem, ability to trust and so much more. I have lost both parents and 2 brothers, I have a sister left but have separated myself from her due to her narcissistic, resentful and vengeful behaviour which I endured until I said enough is enough. I have also broken ties with some friends that I felt no longer had my best interest at heart. I am old enough now to see that the only harm anyone can do to us is the harm we allow them to do to us and it is perfectly acceptable to say "no more". Clearly, you are stronger than you believe yourself to be because you are still here after all you have been through, as am I. So it is time to start taking back those parts of yourself that you allowed others to take from you and see yourself as becoming whole again. Talking with your doctor about how you are feeling would be helpful so you can be referred to someone to help you achieve this. I met with a social worker in my 40s who helped me realise I had been dealing with depression since my teens and it took a number of years to work through my stuff along with medication. So please consider this as you are worth the effort and will begin to see some light again. We are here whenever you wish to converse so come here whenever you feel the need.

You are not alone,

indigo22

[Sla24-]

Thankyou so much for your kind words and understanding indigo22. So sorry to hear that you have lost both your parents and your brothers and that your sister was so hurtful to you.You have been through a lot of heartache and you should be so proud that you are still here and helping others. My daughter was stillborn 25 years ago and I never had any support from anyone and my 2 sisters and my so called best friend all were so cruel and nasty, and I had to remove them from my life. They had been so  awful to me for so long and I had enough. Also my mother in law was very hurtful too and I put up with her nastiness for so long. I removed myself from her life a couple of years ago after having her put me down and disrespect me for over 30 years. What made it harder too was that my husband never stuck up for me and would get really angry if I was to say anything about his mother. We are still together and he still is involved in his mother’s life, and that’s ok because it is his mother. Our 3 boys spent a lot of time at their Nans when they were little, but now that they have all grown up, and they have seen how nasty she was to me, they don’t have a lot to do with her. So she blames me for the boys not having much to do with her. I have always told the boys to go and see her because she is their grandmother, but they don’t want to. She used to talk about me to her daughter, and the boys would hear her. Yes when you are hurt so much, you do have trust issues and it does effect your self esteem. I have always been a shy person  and haven’t had many friends, but all the hurt has caused my depression. Sorry about the long reply, but I don’t get to talk about it, and when I lost my baby daughter I didn’t have any councilling. I just have so much hurt and anger inside me. Yes you are so right, I need to talk to someone. Thankyou again for being so understanding and caring. I don’t even know you and you have made me feel so much better and you have been through a lot of heartache yourself. I am so glad that I finally went on here, and you replied. 

[indigo22]

Hi again sla24-,

I am glad to hear from you and please don't apologise for a long reply, getting things out by talking about them is why the forum is here. It still amazes me how much pain another person can inflict due to a lack of compassion. I totally empathise with the hurt and anger you have inside, I grew up in a dysfunctional family and I am empathic so I picked up on all the negativity but was not allowed to be angry so I shoved it down and tried to be good. Looking back as an adult I can see that this is where my dysthymic disorder began (a form of depression that is long term but not as debilitating as major depression). My first brother that died was my familial soul mate (5 years older than me) and he was killed in a road accident when I was 14. Like you, I had no help getting through the loss and this is where the major depression began. Because I was so young when the depression started, I was oblivious as to what was wrong with me, no one seemed to notice I was on a downhill slide, I just thought I was born that way and would never fit in and be like other people. After that anything of a negative nature just piled on top of the last until my mother passed (who was the last to die). I spent the next two years in a rage against the world, all the anger and all the hurt I had ever not allowed myself to feel and had pushed down, all came to the surface and anyone who tried to mess with me felt the full force of my wrath. That eventually passed after it was allowed to express itself finally. When you need to talk, just reply to this conversation as I am following it and will get a notification. I am glad I was able to help and would be honored to help further when ever you need it.

Stay well,

indigo22

[indigo22]

Hi again sla24-,

Just wanted to let you know about an author who's books could be helpful for you. I have all his audiobooks but they are also available in ebook and paperback. His name is Robert Schwartz and the books are "Your Soul's Plan", "Your Soul's Gift" and "Your Soul's Love". I hope you are well.

Kindest regards,

indigo22

[Sla24-]

Hi indigo

[Sla24-]

• Hi indigo 22, thankyou so much for your reply. So sorry to hear about all the heartache that you have been through. It would have been so hard for you when you lost your brother when you were only 14, and not getting any support. Yes, like you said it all builds up inside of you, all the anger and hurt. Each time that we go through more heartache it brings it all back to the surface again. It would have been really hard for you when you lost your Mum and I sort of understand how you had so much rage towards others. My Mum had so much sickness throughout her life and she never drank or smoked and she passed away from Cirrhosis of the liver. It was so heartbreaking watching her suffer so much and take her last breath. My 2 sisters and my parents hadn’t been talking for a few years because my sisters were just very selfish and hurtful. They didn’t even go and see their mother before she passed away and they didn’t go to her funeral. I don’t know how they live with themselves. When Mum passed away it brought back my depression. I was very angry and hurt. My mother in law didn’t even acknowledge my mother’s death, and that’s when I finally cut all ties with her. That just showed me how heartless she really was. She had hurt me so many times in the past and I just pushed it all to the side. Most of my husbands family have hurt me over the years. I just can’t understand why they have, I always treated them with respect and was always good to them. It hurts that my husband let them treat me like this and I could never and still can’t tell him about all the hurtful things that they have done and said to me. This has caused me to have resentment towards him, because I can never talk about how I am feeling, and sometimes when I am feeling really down and depressed, he tells me to get over it. I think that I really need to talk to a councillor, as I just feel very lonely and down. It’s just hard as there aren’t a lot of councillors around and the nearest one is an hour and a half drive from where I live and they are booked out for months. Sorry again for my long rant indigo, hope you are going ok. Thankyou again for your support 

[indigo22]

Hi Sla24-,

I am so glad to hear from you and I am glad you are getting some things off your chest, it may not fix things but it can lighten the load a tiny bit. I think our sisters were picked from the same batch. She knew our brother had cancer but never reached out to him or went to his funeral and then did the exact same thing with our mother. I am just glad I did not see her face to face when I was going through my rage stage, I think I probably would have decked her.😊

What I most want to impress on you is that the behaviour of those that have hurt you says volumes about who they are, they are clearly unevolved souls, it has nothing to do with who you are. It is just their inability to show care and compassion. I have to say that your husband is not helping your situation at all, but you need to put in perspective that he grew up in the same family as the people who have hurt you, so he may never understand what you think or feel.

Have you heard the term HSP "Highly Sensitive Person"? It is used to describe the characteristics of a percentage of the world population, I know I am in this group and I believe you may also be. If you look up Elaine Aron and HSP on the internet you should find some information about it. If you feel you fit the profile, she has written some books on the subject that may be helpful to you. There is still a lot I have not told you yet, but for know I want to concentrate on your situation and help you find your way. Please keep talking to me in the meantime, I will be here for you anytime. It is no coincidence that I only signed up on the forums recently, just in time to reply to your post.

Have you looked into any councillors that do their work via zoom or skype? I am sure there are some, if you cannot find any, try contacting Beyond Blue to see if they have any on their records or have any other suggestions.

Sending you hugs and strength,

indigo22

[Sla24-]

Hi Indigo, thankyou once again for your support and understanding. Hope you are going ok. Yes I really think that’s our sisters we’re picked from the same batch. Very nasty and hurtful people, who only think of themselves. That’s awful about your sister, and yes I don’t blame you for feeling like decking her if you came face to face with her. I remember when one of my awful sisters, had said to my so called best friend, I don’t know how they got a photo with their dead baby. I found this out only a few weeks after we lost our precious baby girl 🥲 I went and fronted her and she stood there, real proud of herself, and admitted to saying it with a smirk on her face. I was so hurt and angry and she is so lucky that she was holding her son, because I would have bashed her. Yes I just can’t understand how nasty and cruel some people can be and they have no compassion or understanding. Yes my husband doesn’t help as I can never talk to him about anything, and he has always put up with their toxic behaviour. Thankyou for the information about hsp, I do fit some of the traits for a hsp. I might see if they have the book at the library 😊 Talking to you has helped me get a lot of stuff off my chest, that I have been carrying around for a long time. Please keep on talking to me about yourself too. I am so glad that we both can talk to each other. Thankyou again for support indigo, sending hugs to you too 

[indigo22]

Hi Sla24-,

It's good to hear from you, thank you for the hugs, I need them sometimes too.

I had a feeling you would be in the hsp category, if there is not a book in the library, there are videos on youtube where Elaine Aron talks about the subject. You will also find some videos there on Robert Schwartz's books.

Have you had any luck looking into online/zoom counselling?

Wow, I thought my sister was bad, that is a sister you definitely don't need in your life. I know you will understand what I mean when I say that I could never say something just to be intentionally hurtful and spiteful. Having said that, I have had almost everyone I love do that to me and none of them are part of my life anymore. You find out who your true friends are when you go through a crisis, I have always been loyal to my friends, like you, I never had many, but the ones I did have, I thought I could trust to be there for me. Unfortunately, most of them failed miserably and made me feel like I was nothing more than a burden, so I ended those relationships. I have 3 long term friends now that I can rely on and that's enough.

Please tell me more about your little girl. Did you find out what happened that caused her to be still born?

I can only imagine the deep and wrenching pain you went through, and I am so sorry you had to go through that at all, let alone without help. Life can be brutal for some and plain sailing for others, however, I realised a few years ago that what I have been through would be pointless if I didn't use my experience to help others. I believe that is the point of the challenges we go through, to learn and grow, develop compassion, empathy and kindness which is our innate nature, some, like our sisters and friends, miss the opportunity to learn anything and instead add to their karmic debt. I have become more spiritual with age, I don't mean religious (not at all interested in religions), but a more philosophical and spiritual outlook. Don't get me wrong, I am still very screwed up by my past and have been on anti depressants for 20 years, but I have also been able to find some comfort with this outlook. I will share more about myself as time goes on and I am also very glad we can communicate so easily.

Hope you are feeling ok,

indigo22