Feeling dead inside.

[Logan1]

Hi all,

First of all, thanks for having me.

For as long as I can remember I've felt like I just don't fit in, this has left me feeling like an observer of life rather than a participant. I watch other people interact with each other and it seems very fluid, with me it feels clunky like having to think about every step you take whilst walking.

When I was just a kid I was pretty much always alone, feeling as if no one liked me so I figured if I mimic the person I was with they would like me, unless they didn't like themselves. It kind of worked and became my coping mechanism. The problem is I never really developed my sense of "self" I didn't know who I was and I still struggle with that.

I never developed a strong sense of self, feeling as if part of me is dead. This has left me a very closed down person, causing depression & anxiety. I find it hard to show emotionally how I'm feeling to others, even my own family. I know how I should feel but I find it hard to show. The closer the relationship the more anxious I feel.

I feel like a bad person because of this. There's a part of me that must unconsciously tell myself I'm not allowed to be happy.

Thanks for reading.

[India_L]

hey Logan,

Thank you for sharing your feelings if you don't mind i would share to you mine because i feel the same way.

I always feel so empty like i have no emotion in my body at all, I was bullied since prep till year 10 and still struggle to be normal. I don't like myself and i don't think i ever will, but the thing i do like about myself is how i took care of my brothers while my mother was extremely sick, she locked herself away in her room for over a year my father left us kids when i was 5, i always had to be the parent while my parents where doing what they wanted i was never given the chance to be a kid, i was never the chance to live a life that right was taken away from me and that's why i think i hate myself.

Having that lonely feeling is terrible and not knowing how to get rid of the shadow that hands over you causes pain.

[Emmen]

Hello >Logan<,

Firstly, a warm welcome to the forums. I'm glad you have shared this with us and I hope you find some inspiration in this community.

You speak of not having developed your sense of 'self' because you were largely alone as a child, and because your coping mechanism when dealing with people was to mimic them. Someone who is able to do that must be very adaptable and perceptive. I would start by recognising these strengths, because these are unique to you and form part of who you are.

Perhaps you could also take some time to think through your aspirations in life, the things you enjoy doing and what's important to you in life. Once you have a sense of this, it can start forming the basis of your sense of self. It's okay to not know the answer to these things - life is a journey and you have to try different things before you discover yourself. Once you do, you'll find that your behaviour will naturally change, you'll feel more confident and happy.

So start by discovering who you are as a person first and let everything else come after. You most definitely deserve to be happy. Everybody's path to happiness is different, and you have to start on your own.

Take care,
Emmen

[Logan1]

Hey India,

Thanks for sharing yours, it always helps to know you're not the only one feeling a particular way, especially if it makes you think you're a bad person, although you said "I hate myself" but you do have the ability to focus on things you do like about yourself, good things, so thats great.

I totally get feeling emotionally empty and I understand just how tough it is to be bullied from a young age as I was also bullied. I don't hate myself, I hate certain things about myself. I wonder if thats what you mean also.

Personally, am pretty desperate right now to try and resolve this feeling of being empty/dead inside as it's effecting me both mentally and physically. I constantly feel nausea along with all sorts of other somatic symptoms, well at least I'm told they're somatic.

So good on us for making a start !!

Logan.

[Logan1]

Hello Emmen,

Thank you for the warm welcome and taking the time to read my post as well as offering some good advice.I look forward to reading some success stories from people who are going through similar situations.

Logan.

[Guest_1055]

Welcome Logan,

I can relate some to what you say. I don't really have advice though.

I grew up a loner too, often being by myself. This started properly around early teenage years. Even when younger then this and in a family with siblings, I think I often just played by myself and sort of a bit out of it. I am the middle girl. Are you the middle child at all?

Anyway I often think along these lines... "When will I ever wake up" As if life is happening and I am not connected to it.

I use to think I was attopted, which I wasn't.

Often have a sense of not being connected to other people, even though I may be with them

Sorry, forgot where I was going with this

I may come back

Anyway welcome

[India_L]

To Logan,

I already feel like we have a connection and i feel like we both understand how we feel, i suffer from trauma from my father and have MDD which stands for major depressive disorder.i currently live with my grandparents but they are thinking of putting me in a mental home at the hospital.

[Logan1]

Hey Shelll,

Yes, I am the middle child and this has defiantly had an effect on me, it kinda left me in no mans land. I believe that not matter what the situation there is an equal negative and positive side to be found. Being the middle child made me get good at a lot of tasks, all in the hope of regaining so attention from my mother, I became a perfectionist. Now that I'm older this has helped me adapt to all kinds of work. Everything I do, I do it to the best of my ability.

[Logan1]

To India,

Yes, I can defiantly relate to what you're saying, it must be really tough for you. You mentioned you are currently living with your grandparents and that they are thinking about having you hospitalised. What do you think ? Do you think that would actually help you ? I spent a short time in Hostpital and I have to say I actually enjoyed it, I could finally just be me. I didn't feel so different.

Most people get anxious talking with someone who is also clearly anxious. Not me, the more anxious someone is the less anxious I feel, I guess I can empathise with them.

What do you want to do India ?