Feeling alone with self-diagnosed Cyclothymia

[Yehbom]

Like a lot of people on here, it's been a very long journey with my mental health. I've seen about 5 psychologists over the past 8 years (I'm currently 26) and am finding it hard to find a new one right now as the last person I was talking to had to stop seeing me because they didn't feel like they could give me the support I needed. I didn't take that to heart but I am very frustrated at the moment because I feel like I've had to start again with new psychologists so many times and I get overwhelmed with telling them what I even need now which I'm quite unsure of most of the time, (thank you depression/anxiety, you're good at making me feel so unsure/uncertain/a ball of nothing and you seem to get better at it every year x)

I've had a particularly interesting past few years and found that my symptoms of depression and anxiety have worsened. Mid-November last year I admitted myself to the psych ward because I was getting to the point where I wasn't feeling that safe alone. I would say that around this time I was going through a bit of a manic phase, not as much as someone would with bipolar, but enough to get into arguments with very close friends and family on a weekly basis. Going in was probably one of the best things I've ever done for my mental health and I learned a lot of great DBT skills that have helped me so much when it comes to feeling triggered and got diagnosed (finally) with Borderline Personality Disorder and got put onto medication. 

This was all starting to add up and I felt like I had a good grip on what I had and how some of my relationships felt unstable, only thing is, as soon as I got out towards Christmas, I felt like my mood went in the complete opposite direction. Instead of feeling manic/argumentative/super talkative, I felt a slow onset of depression coming in, one that I couldn't even explain to you. My thought process/movements slowed down, my self-confidence decreased dramatically, I could barely even keep a general conversation going even with my closest friends/family/partner.

I then linked this with how I was feeling over the Summer of 2020 - unexplainable depression hitting me which is why I'm currently self-diagnosing myself with Cyclothymia because Borderline Personality Disorder makes sense, but it doesn't make enough sense. So I'm hitting up anyone who is also in the same boat. What helps you? I don't know what helps me - it's a struggle most days and I find it so difficult to explain to anyone what I'm truly feeling.

[smallwolf]

hi and welcome to the forums.

I had to do a bit of reading to find out about Cyclothymia.

I can imagine that it would be frustrating having to start over with a new psychologist and retelling your story over and over. However, as you are looking for one now, you could try out this page...

https://www.psychology.org.au/Find-a-Psychologist

On the difficulty explaining things... that is something I go through. I was having a drink (non-alcoholic) with a friend who is married. He said his wife asked him what was worrying him or making him feel depressed. He could not put his finger on it. Though he said to me that it is a lot of little things that when all combined become a confusing mess.

As for what help me... Not sure how my answer will help, but I read and for educational. While I have the garden variety of depression and anxiety, reading gives me other ways of looking at my issues and ways of addressing these. Some idea may hit. Others may not. But if I didn't read I would have no ideas to try.

I hope you find your way through what must sometimes feel like a confusing maze... as that is how it can be for me.

Tim