Feel like a failure

Astara · ‎10-10-2015

So I went to my GP to get a script for something to help me sleep and left with a referral to see a psych and a script for anti depressants.

It wasn't even my regular GP. I don't understand how that happened and how she could see what I apparently couldn't and says I'm back in the middle of severe depression.

I feel like an absolute failure. I've had the medication before. I went to counselling before. Intellectually I know how to make myself better. So why am I here again? What is the point in going through all this treatment again if it's just going to sneak on me again when I don't even know. I just feel even more depressed for recognising I'm depressed. Hate this life.

Steve154 · ‎10-10-2015

Hi Astara,

I would like to help you as I feel very similarly to what you describe, though I have not found a solution yet. I tend to think I am a failure at whatever I do. I too feel like I should just try harder to do all the things that are supposed to make us better (I've had some medications/counselling that has helped somewhat in the short term) though sometimes the more I try the worse the internal resistance gets. It is most likely just a perception of the situation but isn't that what our personal reality is? And you're right, it doesn't help to be categorised into a 'depression'. It does sometimes help me to try and look at things in a greater perspective, if only occasionally (and I also hate people lecturing me about it so I shut up now......)

Cherpieus · ‎11-10-2015

Hi Astara and Steve154

I too feel similar to you both.

I went to a new psychiatrist this week and was told (yet again) I have what they are newly terming as non-melancholic depression. . Which means it has a lot to do with my personality and how I respond to stress in my life. When a stressful event happens it triggers the depression - my personality has a
higher propensity to it. Apparently medication only works for 50% of people with this. Basically the only 'cure' is to change your personality! Well that's just great isn't it? 42 years I've been trying to make myself into someone else to no avail. I don't believe you can change your personality. I believe you can pretend and do things to curb your natural reaction sometimes but that's not changing your personality.

I'm going to be doing the same as you... medication again, counselling again... all the same stuff I know but it doesn't last and, like you, I feel like what's the point.

Like you Steve154 I've learned to shut about my depression and I don't share anything I'm going through internally with anyone except . For me it makes it worse when I try to share something with friends or family and it's either misinterpreted or met with disrespect. Again there is no point.

All I can do is get through one day at a time and try not to think about the future.

Paul_D1 · ‎11-10-2015

I feel your pain. It's so damn hard. Like Groundhog Day. I don't know what I should do...

P

Astara · ‎11-10-2015

Wow, there's a few of us in the same place right now. Sucks doesn't it? groundhog day is right. I've read that some find it easier 2nd time round but I feel worse.

I feel like I can't tell anyone as they won't have the strength to help me through it again and will think I failed. I doubt anyone wants to bother with me. The first time I went through treatment I felt some kind of relief that what was wrong with me could be fixed, and had been diagnosed. Now there is no relief. Just desolation and despair that my life will go in these cycles.

This time, I have no incentive to get better. No partner anymore. I really don't see the point.

thanks for posting everyone, I wish we knew the answer.

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Stormi71 · ‎11-10-2015

Astara, firstly I'd like to say you are not a failure. Depression is not like going on a diet, or vowing to exercise more, where YOU are the one that controls to the outcome. Depression is an illness, and it's the same as someone saying they are a failure because they were diagnosed with cancer. It is an ILLNESS, not something you choose to have. feel

You say there is no point getting better, because you don't have a partner. There is a point getting better -YOU! I'm sure you have a lot to offer, whether it be in your job, or your friends etc. Sometimes it feels like there is no point, but there is. I believe everyone has something special to offer the world. It might take a long time to find it, but it's there, and sometimes we have to go through the bad to appreciate the good, and find our purpos

Penguin25 · ‎11-10-2015

Hi Astara,

I'm new to this forum, and have found it comforting to hear other people's struggles with depression. Your words resonated with me, as I struggle with depression on a daily basis and I too feel like a failure when it gets the better of me. I'm a Social Worker and deal with and encounter people struggling with depression and other mental health issues on a daily basis and my inner voice tells me that I can not disclose to my colleagues, other professionals I work with that I teeter on the precipice of falling in the dark well of depression every single day. Even my family do not know how bad my struggles are. You are not a failure, and it's great that you are talking about it on this forum, as it is for all those who have reached out to you and responded to your thoughts an feelings.

Cherpieus, Steve , Paul D and Stormi have all made very pertinent points, and have normalised what many of us feel and think. Cherpieus...far be it for me to question the "diagnosis" of a psychiatrist, but to attribute depression to a personality issues I think it counter productive. I don't think the Psychiatrist actually means you have to change your personality, but rather it's about finding out what vulnerabilities are present in your make up that may make you prone to experiencing depression. Being true to who you are and doing things in your life that honour who you are is very important to combatting depression. There is a subtle (yet big) difference between identifying personality vulnerabilities to expecting you to change who you are. While I know my vulnerabilities, it gets very tiring having to battle them and keep them at bay all day every day. I live on my own now and this has now compounded my struggles and at times confirms my dark thoughts...Thomas Moore's book, Care of the Soul has some wonderful, spiritual (not religious) and yet pragmatic views of depression and he invites you to see depression as not the enemy. He talks about wading waste deep in the mud of depression and that slowing down to walk carefully through the mud is an opportunity to listen to what the depression want to teach you. When I revisit this analogy, I am often surprised about what strengths and positive things I discover or rediscover about myself. Keep sharing, as I look forward to learning from you all and not feeling alone in my own struggles.

Astara · ‎11-10-2015

Thanks for your comment Stormi71. I guess I do feel like it's something I should have control over so that's a big part of why I feel like a failure.

I don't feel like I am defined by whether or not I have a partner but at the same time I don't feel I have a place or anything to offer. I have a job and hold an important role in the community but so what? All I kept getting told when I worked my butt off to get promotion was that I should "work to live" not "live to work" but take work away and I have nothing else.

My previous psych gave me homework once to think about my purpose in being here. I wasn't able to think of one then and I can't now. To make sure my cats get fed? That's about it really.

thanks for your post too Penguin25. As terrible as it is that others feel the same as I do it does help to have people going through the same to chat to given that a few of us seem to be in a position where we can't tell others in our lives.

i don't really know what to do. I told my GP I knew I was just skating along and that I'm okay with that. But ended up agreeing to do the treatment. I've avoided this forum until yesterday to avoid thinking about it. I guess I'm talking here but dread going back to a psych. For it to work I have to want it to right? They can't just fix me and I don't think I have the strength to go through that again.

Cherpieus · ‎12-10-2015

Wow indeed. There are a few of us.

Thanks Penguin 25 for your comments. It actually wasn't my psychiatrist that said I needed to change my personality. It was how I read the description of 'non-melancholic depression' on a website. Quite possibly I read incorrectly or interpreted through distorted lenses. I'm going to try and find that book you mentioned.

I'm 41 and this is my 3rd bout of major depression. I don't find it easier to recover each time. I just find I'm more cynical about the possibility of long term recovery. I feel like a failure more and more, each time it recurs. And like you Astara I'm at the point where I don't have the strength to go through it all again. But I've agreed to it as well because I don't really know what else to do.

Stormi71 · ‎12-10-2015

I know how you feel, as it's a big step to get treatment, as we try and deny we are depressed. I finally got to the point around 6 months ago that I couldn't avoid seeing a doctor any longer because I'd ignored my depression for so long that I had so many physical symptoms, and thought I was seriously ill.

I think most people in the world, regardless of any mental illness, don't know their purpose in life. Some do, not many though. Most of us cruise through life, working in jobs we don't like, doing the same stuff week after week. I often used to say I was only here "to make up the numbers". I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life, I had no career goals etc. I didn't think I had anything special to offer anyone. A couple of weeks ago, I had an epiphany and decided I wanted to study mental health. It wasn't just a "Oh, I might study that, it seems interesting". It was like a bolt of lightning struck me and I realised that's what I HAVE to do. Which is scary, because I'm 44, haven't studied for 20 years and haven't worked for ten. I feel like having this major depression has helped me find my calling. So now I'm enrolled in Tafe to start studying.

I think a big problem with depression is it makes us think we have no purpose. I liken it to the devil sitting on your shoulder, and every time you try to get well, it whispers in your ear saying things like "You don't have a purpose, so you may as well stay depressed".