Fed up

[dubrovnik]

Hello

I am a middle aged woman who is youthful both in looks and attitude.

I have siblings who often dismiss me, put me down, are nice when they feel like it.

I have often walked out of family get togethers & it’s made me look neurotic in front of other family members & mutual friends, certain friends that I had always take their side.

This has impacted my relationships with other people, I have lost trust in people, I have severe trust issues stemming back to being hurt in relationships & former friends.

when I am away from & with other people, I am confident, happy & comfortable within myself but when I am around 2 of my siblings they make me feel like I am boring. I am a reserved person but once I get to know people I am quite open.

I have tried talking to them, things go well for awhile but then their attitude towards me starts all over again. I have always been a good sister towards them, I don’t understand it at all. I get upset and emotional when they start with their put downs. I have a different personality to them which they seem to put me down about. I am at a loss.

i have been told that I am too sensitive but their attitude is beyond a joke.

I don’t know what to do.

[Croix]

Dear Dubrovnic~

I've read your other posts and while you can get on with most people the relationship you have with your siblings is not good. I  guess this is another instance of the same thing.

Your mum is lucky to have you. Trying to cope with someone you love who has both dementia and incontinence can not only be very saddening, but extremely physically awkward. Trying to clean and change your mum, plus dealing wiht any mess, is difficult.

I'm glad you had the foresight for the change of clothes and pads.

Under the circumstances the very last thing you need is for you to be yelled at as if it was your fault. Where is the support? Offers of help? Even thanks? She is your sister's mum too.

I don't know how much notice you mum takes of what is happening, but I'd suspect an argument may have upset her too.

Without support from other members of the family present why would you want to go to family gatherings  in the future?  Trying to steer clear of unfriendly and upsetting people is only sensible.

There is often a completely unjustified feeling of failure after such events -I've felt it too. I do not know why it happens, I guess the ability to stand outside oneself and see one acted reasonably is overwhelmed by emotion.

As I said you mum is lucky to have you

Croix

[tranzcrybe]

Sister telling you off was misdirected but blaming mother would have been insensitive in light of her condition - you simply became the scapegoat on this occasion.
Sometimes when confronted with unexpected/undesirable events, we can verbalise shock to the nearest recipient. You may also have felt distressed with what occurred, the ongoing tensions with sister, and aversion to social gatherings, leading to your own reaction in response.
However, my primary concern is for how mother processed the aggravation as this can have a deleterious impact on dementia sufferers; and it is in her interests above all that some common ground be found to avoid further heightening of tensions.
While conflict between you both may never fully abate, it is important to work together when it comes to caring for mother, deflecting accidental (or intentional) barbs by remaining impassive; and although walking out may have been the simplest solution to the conflict, I doubt it provides any remedy in the longer term.
I would encourage you to revisit the situation to discuss further in more comfortable and amicable circumstances, noting that there is rarely ever one instance that makes things right or wrong - stressful situations just bring things to a head.
In so doing, there might be some exchange of remorse for laying the blame on you, and equally any inappropriate responses in return to allow some much-needed unity over the ensuing years where some coordination of mother's future care needs will yield more positive outcomes if pre-empted and mutually supported.
Oddly enough, this sort of selfless elevation can prove quite empowering once embedded in the psyche - non sibi sed aliis.

[dubrovnik]

Hello Croix

Thank you for your email & for your support and kindness, it has been a struggle.

I feel really alone now, I have friends but I don’t want to bother them with this.

I broke up from my ex partner 3 years ago, it has been hard not having his support.

I always put on a positive front but lately it has been hard to do that, I do speak to a psychologist but she is on holidays now, she said that I can call her but I don’t want to disturb her holidays.

Thank you again. 

[dubrovnik]

Hello Tranzcrybe

Thank you very much for your kindness & support.

I tried to work things out with my sister on NYE party at my parents place. Everything was going well until someone ‘good to see you hear tonight’ we started to chat then my sister made a comment about ‘me always wanting to be alone’ I ignored the comment and went on chatting to the other guests.

I started to make a few salads then my sister and another sibling said ‘why are you doing it that way’ ‘ I said that I am doing a salad the way my mother liked it’ she then said don’t you know any other way’ I said to her ‘  I am sticking with a traditional salad’ she then said ‘ only boring people like you stick to tradition’ I said to her ‘if you think you can do better then do it your way, she then called me boring and a dried up’ I said to her ‘how original’ you are in the same boat as you ‘single’.  I told her to grow up! Then another family member got involved & told me that I started it’ I said you weren’t here none of your business.

I walked off, one of my britches friends asked me ‘are you okay’. I said that I am going I can’t handle this. I know that I perhaps acted the wrong way but I just couldn’t deal with that crap. Also it was 3 years since I broke up with my ex partner, I caught him in the act of cheating.

Sorry if I vented but the last few fats have been awful, I had a meltdown after I left my parents place.

[tranzcrybe]

Thanks Dubrovnik,
This is a good space to blow off steam - no apologies needed. Your reactions are perfectly understandable although inadvertently causing you some distress - you do not need to justify yourself or your actions to siblings, but they still have a role to play in mother's care and sustaining family harmony (if not mutual affection) for the duration.
You've had much to deal recently with which may have heightened your sensitivity to personal attacks; and while there are clearly some unresolved issues within the family dynamic, presently they are having more impact on your emotional well-being as crises compound with mother, your separation, and dealing with 'point scoring' siblings.
What other supports do you have in place?
It may be time to start looking at options for mother's long term care, ensuring she has an Advanced Care Directive and Power of Attorney to protect her interests as siblings seem to have disparate views which could only lead to more conflict further down the track.
Ideally you will all be on the same page with mother but, if personalities get in the way, contention can become an obstacle.
A little planning and a lot of compromise should offer you some peace of mind.

[therising]

Hi dubrovnik

You sound like such a deeply feeling extremely thoughtful person. Your mum is so blessed to have you in her life, that's for sure.

I do believe one of the greatest challenges for a deeply feeling person is having the ability to feel other people's comments, their forms of degradation, their closed mind and so much more. Degrading closed minded people can have such a feel to them. They're so easy to sense. Keep in mind sensitive people are good at sensing. Take pride in that. On the other hand, Insensitive people often can't even feel the comments they make half the time, which is one of the things that makes them so challenging.

Fighting for a good cause makes it, I believe, a good fight. How we manage the good fight is perhaps what it all comes down to. A lot of passion in a good fight becomes obvious. Sounds like you are a passionate fighter, passionately fighting for your mum, being upstanding for her. As a mum myself, it is a noble quality to have in a daughter. With the salad incident, nothing wrong with a traditional salad especially when it's the kind done in honor of someone else. Again, you're so thoughtful. You were obviously fighting for more than a salad. Everyone fights for something.

Can relate to being an introvert. Basically, I love breaks (alone time to recharge) far away from triggering people, the kind of people you can really feel and not in a good way. Such people can be a lot of hard work. You gotta watch what you say and do, act in a different way to who you naturally are, appear a certain way (if you want to avoid criticism) and the list goes on. They really are hard work. 'Are they worth all that hard work?' is the question.

Amazing how when you get a lot of highly sensitive introverts together the story changes. From 'What's wrong with me? Why do I not like people? Why can't I be happy? Why can't I be like everyone else?' to all laughing together over the angering or laughable level of insensitivity and insanity others can show at times, you come to realise there's nothing wrong with you. You share the same nature as those who are as natural as you. What you share with everyone else can be a whole different story. Sharing a lot of aggravation can be a part of that story.

[dubrovnik]

thank you very much for your kindness and support 

[dubrovnik]

Thank you very much for your support & kindness, it means a lot to me.

[dubrovnik]

Hi 

I am a middle age woman who is tired of always putting on a happy face, I don’t want to do it anymore, you could probably think that I want attention & pity which don’t. I have written a post previously relating to issues with siblings.

My ex partner and I broke up 3 years ago because I could not deal with his lies and bullshit!!!   I have suffered from anxiety and depression for years, I have always covered my feelings & acted in a positive way, mainly so nobody could see my pain.

it’s got to the stage where I can’t deal with being positive.

sorry I know this sounds angry but I am being honest.

[smallwolf]

hello again,

You are allowed to feel angry.  I have been reading up on your past threads also. This is a good space to be if/when you want to be honest - i believe it is not good to try to keep it all inside. 

It sounded like from one of your previous threads/stories you were getting professional help. Is that still the case? it also sounded like you were not getting much support either from those around you. If you wanted to chat about anything...?