Extra! Extra! Read all about my problems!

[Raisin_Toast]

Hello, I've read quite a few posts on this forum and finally decided to make my own.
I'm not really sure how to start this so why not here? I've struggled with depression and social anxiety for over 3 years now. I've seen therapists for about a year and a half which have helped make things more bearable but, I still feel terrible mentally every day and it's been getting worse over the past months. I'm onto my fourth antidepressant now with little hope for the current one. Over the past few weeks, I've added onto this with nearly constant gender dysphoria.
I've tried to do new things like writing, photography, competitive games and hanging out with friends- nothing really interests me anymore though. I barely leave the house anymore and do very little with my time which I can't imagine helps. I'm enrolled for uni next year to do an interesting course but I can't seem to care at all.

I don't see the point in going on like this or how to get past this, I've beaten self-harm and suicidal urges in the past which I barely think about now. The only reason that I haven't killed myself in the past is that I still have hope for the future and don't want to waste a chance or devastate my family. I have lovely people around me but I still feel incredibly alone.

I'm not sure what I think will happen by posting here but it can't hurt to try.

[jess334]

Hi Raisin Toast,

Welcome to the forums. Thanks for making your first post, I'm sorry it's taken so long for you to get a reply.

I know what you mean about having no motivation to keep going. Depression can make living so difficult.

Well done for beating your self harm and suicidal issues in the past. That is fantastic.

Wanting to stay here for your family and future is a good thing. I have definitely had days where my family is the only reason I keep going.

What course are you studying at uni? Are you going into the uni or doing it from home?

Please keep posting if you're able.

Kind thoughts, Jess

[Raisin_Toast]

Hey Jess thanks for responding 🙂

It's all good I don't really mind

I'm going to be studying biotechnology at university so moving a couple hours from home hey

Thanks for being understanding and everything, it's good to know that I'm not as alone in this as my brain constantly says haha

[SPOONO]

Maybe you'd be happier finding a partner and raisin kids, no pun intended. I couldn't resist and I hope it makes you smile. Wish you all my very best, I've been in despair for almost 30 years and if I didn't have a sense of humour I'd be long gone.

Spoono

[jess334]

Hi Raisin,

You are definitely not alone in feeling this way. Sometimes I feel like I'm only living the part of life inbetween panic attacks. The rest of the time I am just enduring. Sometimes the period between is long - sometimes its way too short.

Wow a move away from home is a big step. Well done for being brave enough to give it a go!

Jess

[Raisin_Toast]

Hey Spoono

Yeah being in a relationship would be pretty grape honestly. It did make me laugh anyway haha and i'm glad you've found a way to cope with it. Thanks for the wishes and I hope things get better for you 🙂

[Raisin_Toast]

Hey Jess

I'm sad that i'm not alone with this because it's pretty terrible but it's good to know other people can cope with it and sometimes get better. Yeah- it's hard a lot of the time to feel to feel like you're living your life at all :/. Yeah it should be at least something different for a while haha and thank you 🙂

[SPOONO]

Hi again Raisin Toast, this is one of those 'look at that guy you haven't got it so bad' things. Not that I know your circumstances our roles could be reversed. My ex used to be my bookkeep and when my business was going bad 20 years ago, a business I set up with compensation money after being crippled at work. Anyway it was going bad and I got put in psychiatric hospital. From hospital I called my mother and asked her to send up money to cover a mortgage I had on the business (a business my ex made me go into, fruit and veg, she thought computers would never take off). Mum sent up the funds and I'm in gaga land living above the business with ex doing the books at home. The land was seized and sold by the bank, gaga me thought nothing of it for twenty years. Now I look back and remember my bookkeeper ex renovating the house she got off me and buying a new car. I never suspected a thing. My kids even visited me and said "mummies burning all your stuff". In the ensuing years she has turned the kids against me and only one remains who hasn't blocked me from communicating. I live at home with mum who is 88 and cannot remember the specifics of how she transferred the money. Hence no comeback on ex. Hope you can look at this guy and feel a little better, I have that record of stuff ups going round and round in my head too. Have a great day, try to find something to smile about. Laugh at my luck could be good therapy lol.

Cheers

spoono

[SPOONO]

Glad it helped mate, sorry its true though lol. Another thing I do is when the idiots don't understand, I tell them its a matter of life and death to me and I don't care if they laugh behind my back if they'll just realise the importance of communicating with a depressed person.

Cheers

spoono