I've completely lost sight of who i am and who i want to be

[Sophia12]

Hello there,

This is a first for me posting in one of these forums, but I guess I've been feeling like this for a while now. I had 2 sessions with a psychologist a few years ago and they sort of helped but i just feel like why would someone want to listen to all my drama and i stopped going, i changed around my life and my job but still am feeling unhappy and I don't know what to do. Is happiness something that is found or will I ever feel it because right now it doesnt feel like it. ive been with my partner for 7 years and i dont think i love him anymore, but what if i walk away and never find someone who wants to be with me.
How does one figure out who they are and where they want to be in life with no understanding how to get there?

[Quercus]

Hi Sophia and welcome to the forums.

What a facinating and relatable post. I'm glad you gave reaching out a go.

Feeling unhappy and dissatisfied and lost and unsettled but not entirely sure why is something I understand but have never really been able to put into words. Thank you.

For me what changed was hitting my lowest. Feeling suicidal and realising that playing it safe by doing nothing wasn't an option anymore.

Along with diagnoses and medication I have truly dug into the "why" of my unhappiness in therapy with my psychiatrist for about a year.

On the surface I thought I was wasting time and money too but I needed this. How can we make changes to feel better if we have no idea what or why we feel to begin with?

One thing I do daily now is to remind myself this is the only life I get to live. So why waste time or energy or worry on things that mean nothing to me? It has allowed me to realise what is important to others isn't satisfying for me. For example living in the city. I loathe it. Others may not want isolation or simple living but I need it and that is absolutely ok.

Sometimes identifying needs is hard. I find it easier to think of things my life would feel empty without. Do you think a list like this could help you too?

Such an interesting thread. I'm sure others will join you soon. It's lovely to meet you.

Nat

[therising]

Hi Sophia 12

I welcome you with an open heart, as you continue on your journey of self-discovery.

Personally, I find it is much easier to discover who I am not (rather than who I am). I'll throw a bit of an analogy your way in regard to this idea:

If you imagine facing a mirror and on this mirror are smudges, marks made by those in your life who have had some impact. Imagine the mirror to be covered in these marks, to the point were you could barely recognise your self. Now imagine wiping one away; it may represent the learned belief 'You are only valuable if you perform to please people'. Once you have dealt with this issue and know it to be untrue, you work on removing the next mark, the one that perhaps represents the belief 'If I don't create conflict, I will be liked more'. Over time, you gradually remove every learned false belief, every smudge. Then one day, you look in the mirror to discover a clear reflection of who you are. You are excited and happy in regard to the true beauty you see.

By the way, it can be relatively easy to spot a false belief at times for it is the nature of a false belief to create internal conflict. Any time we are in a state of conflict or in 2 minds about something, we can be pretty much guaranteed that a lie is at war with the truth. Eg: 'If I stay with my boyfriend I am lovable' vs 'Whether I stay with my boyfriend or not, I remain lovable for a number of reasons (whether another person recognises this is an altogether different matter)'. I'm sure, deep down, you recognise the truth here.

So, to be able to reflect upon the clearest and most authentic image of our self, a war of thoughts/beliefs may ensue and this is a natural, yet not always a pain free process. Not sure if revisiting the idea of seeing a psychologist appeals to you but they're basically a bit of a 'battle strategist' when it comes to dealing with internal conflict.

I believe happiness tends to come about when conflict is not present. Perhaps the definition of happiness can be seen as 'A state of mind where peace comes into being'. Just a thought.

Take care Sophia12

[quirkywords]

Sophia 12,

I too find your first post fascinating and very relatable.

Your title "I've completely lost sight of who i am and who i want to be" will sound familiar to many people reading it. I have a thread called Be yourself who am I? because I really don't have much idea and I am guessing near twice your age.

I suppose I have stopped searching for happiness and am not a great fan of happy but I try not to be unhappy if that makes sense.

Nat and The rising have given you many interesting thoughts, questions, and an analogy.

I also think what matters to you does change as you get older, well it has for me. When I was younger I wanted to make a difference to the world on a large scale and when I didn't I felt I had not done much with my life.

Now I feel content that I help people on a small scale and in my local community. I never will be a famous award winning writer but I write the occasional blogs, and some posts here and I feel ok about that.

The ability to cope with changes and surprises in your life is a good tool to have.

I stayed in a chaotic relationship for far too long because I still loved him and thought I could save him from alcoholism . I do not regret leaving I do regret staying for as long as I did.

I am going to make a list like Nat suggested of things my life would feel empty without. Does anyone else want to?

Quirky

[Sophia12]

Thank you Nat for responding to me,

When you say " So why waste time or energy or worry on things that mean nothing to me?" how do i get to a point where i no longer care what people think and explain to people my life and career choices i feel like everything i do people want an answer on why ? everything always seems like its going well until it doesnt and im back to where i started with life thinking, well what the hell do i do now. Im 25, and people tell me im still young and i have a whole life time to figure things out, but i dont want to be forever figuring out how to be happy? i feel myself thinking i have a crappy life and feel sad, then i feel sadder because there are worse off people than me and i shouldn't be complaining.

I don't know how to find balance, where i can live a life and be proud off.
Cause alot of time i think if i died who would even care, who would go to my funeral.

[Sophia12]

Thank you Quirky for you're words they have given me a lot to think about, and i am going to write a list of things my life would feel empty without.

How did you get to the stage where you were happy just doing what you're doing? i feel like the world is judging me if i dont aspire to be great. Im studying Nursing and am having trouble with the course and its making me feel like a failure which makes me lose myself even more and makes myself feel like what is even the point in all of this, what do i do with my life if i struggle at uni.
Ive never felt like this before and i dont know how to make myself feel better.