Hi,
I believe Ive been severly depressed now for a long time. I tried to seek help a few times in the past but the underlining feeling of helplessness and mistrust I felt made me cease all treatment. I felt a numbness in life like I was either nothing or enjuring extreme emotional pains over and over again via painful memories.
I grew up in a very dysfunctional family where my parents divorced and my mother is what I believe to be a covert narcisist. She used splitting tactics between us siblings and often we communicated to each other via her and not directly. Any type of confrontation or issue was squashed down and denied unless it was a problem for my mother it didn't exist.
No surprises I am very distant from them all today in my mid 30s.
I endured alot but it became too much a few years back. My aunty passed away from cancer and while I was not that close to her leading into the illness I did the best I could to care for her pets who she loved dearly and drove her to and from the hospital for treatment. It pained me at this time to see the way my family acted towards her and each other. My mother particularly started acting up and playing the look at me Im the greater victim here dont worry about her and stole alot of attention away from my aunty who needed it most at this time. My mother and aunty were also spit growing up by my grandmother whom I also believe to be a covert narc.
It was also at this same time I started a new job and was under alot of pressure to perform. My father also popped up and became unemployed and refused to seek assistance at the risk of homelessness. I helped him best I could at the time.
At the same time without going into much detail my manager at work was nothing less then a terrible person started a situation that pushed me over the edge. She did this knowing my aunty had just passed away for reasons I am not sure of as I was performing well.
At this point I broke mentally, left my job and started travelling without any thought.
For 2 years I travelled abroad. I also spent alot of time in isolation when not travelling and had no trust or expectation in people anymore.
Now I cant find a job even though I have a solid resume due to what I believe is the 2 year gap I took travelling and my confidence is very low.I dont know what to do about finding stable work but I just keep trying anyway.
I am going to seek help tomorrow and it feels good to finally surrender as I know I can't continue like this alone anymore.
