For my short 26 years thus far I've done allot. I've survived allot and
I've improved allot. Despite my achievements this far, who I am as a
person, I can't shake and have never been able to shake a constant
feeling of brokenness, worthlessness and i...
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For my short 26 years thus far I've done allot. I've survived allot and
I've improved allot. Despite my achievements this far, who I am as a
person, I can't shake and have never been able to shake a constant
feeling of brokenness, worthlessness and inferiority. I have bipolar
disorder as well, but that's been tamed with medication. I do allot with
my life these days, I work two jobs one full time, I'm working to get
into a career. I indulge in hobbies, keep active and eat well. Most of
my self improvement hasn't been anything people care much about. My
hobbies and interests are uninteresting to most, which isolates me a
bit. I'm not your typical person on the surface, I'm a 6ft skinny
transsexual woman covered in tattoos and piercings with 1/3 of my head
shaved...most of the things I'm interested in are communities that don't
like people like me. So I just quietly enjoy them alone. I don't really
like the queer community, there are some wonderful people in it but
there's allot of toxicity and negativity in it too, which I'd rather
avoid, I usually feel inferior to everyone in it too. My wife is trans
as well, so is my girlfriend, both suffer from mental illness and when
they speak of feelings of self hatred I can't see the negativity they
see in themselves. I imagine that's how they see me, but I can't believe
the positive things they say about me, I'd like to, but to me none of
it's true. I've seen allot of therapists etc, most I've found boorish,
nothing personal, but they come across as useless. Which is probably my
fault for not engaging them. Dysphoria (the feeling of disconnect
between identified sex and physical sex) plays into the feelings of
worthlessness and inferiority too. Despite medically transitioning with
medication and having wonderful results objectively, I can't help but
feel ugly, grotesque, physically useless, physically undesirable and
inferior in every way to every other trans girl I meet see or hear of.
To me I'm just worthless physically on all levels. I can't understand
why my wife or girlfriend see any beauty in me, again, in my mind,
they're wrong. My work always feels inferior, imperfect and worthless
despite how treasured some of my work is. All in all I just feel like a
worthless pile of rotting flesh. This depression has caused me to lose
every friend I've ever had, I have my wife and girlfriend, but no
friends. I'm too much of a sorry sad sack to have friends and in time, I
fully expect my wife and girlfriend to leave me.
How do I talk to my doctor?
