I need help

[Kewkie]

Hi all.
I guess i came on here to find help with my life. I just turned 36 a few days ago, and i feel like my life is falling apart. This new year has not gone well so far and its only feburary. I was recently rushed to hospital with a mystery illness. It took 3 days to figure out what it was. Thankfully nothing serious. But the whole experience made me realise what a loner i actually am. I received many messages on fb of support. But not 1 visitor. When i was realsed i sat in my house alone for a week. I've always been very independant, which i do love but this experience has really reinforced what a looser i am. I'v done nothing in my life that I'mproud of. A high school drop out. Retail working looser. I hate discussing my feelings with strangers but I'm at the point of breaking. It's affecting my work life and my home life. I'm more withdrawn than I've ever been. I'm really good at hiding it but its getting harder and harder. I feel stuck. Theres nothing that anyone can do that will make my life magically better. Magic doesn't exist. Be real. My life sucks and i don't know what to do. I'm not diagnosed with anything. I won't even discuss this with my dr even though I've been struggling with depression for many years on and off.

[Croix]

Dear Kewkie~

I'd like to welcome you here and I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time. Coming here was a very good idea as you will see you are not alone and others have been there too.

The thing that strikes me when reading what you said is how similar parts of your thoughts have been to mine when in the grip of depression. I too thought I was an absolute failure and that because it was my fault, my inadequacy, it was always going to be that way - as you say stuck.

Later, after treatment and time, I found those thoughts were actually not mine, they were the illness influencing my thinking in a predictable bleak and hopeless pattern. I'd not realized depression could do this, or do it so convincingly.

I'm not a doctor and so cannot diagnose you , I can however say that when I did open up and get proper treatment things improved. It was not so much that the events and physical things in my life got better, just that I was able to deal with things - and feel happier and more in control. This in turn did improve things.

Being independent is a fine way to be, however wearing a mask, hiding how you are, is OK as a coping mechanism in some ways, it keeps hassles down, one can even half-pretend to oneself. It does however come at a big price. Not only was it exhausting, but I also ended up feeling very isolated, there was me, and there was the rest of the world, which seemed to be getting on happily enough without me.

You do have the means to try to make things better. May I suggest you go see your GP and in a long appointment say how you are feeling. It is not right to consider yourself a failure, that is the illness. Other people looking at you would not see the same person you do at the moment. There is hope and a better life

It is true it can be very hard to tell someone else what is happening to you, it can perhaps seem frightening or embarrassing or an admission of failing. It still needs doing though. If you think face to face you won't tell all or will muck it up in some ways do what I've done and write it all down first - then share the paper. It can be easier (you could also print out your post I guess)

In the meantime try to do things that you might enjoy, for no other reason except the enjoyment. I use books and movies, what can you use?

Do you have anyone in your life to talk to, a parent or family member? It can help a lot being straightforward with someone who cares.

Please keep on talking here and let us know how you are going

Croix