I constantly feel worthless and I don't know what to do.

[Lindz81]

Hi

I am not sure exactly why I am writing this. Or if it is just going to be more screaming into the void. But it never seems to get better. Meidcation or therapy don't seem to make any difference whether I am using them or not. Maybe it's knowing that no matter what I do I am always going to be the same person, and that person is never going to be good enough no matter what. I am always going to be dumber, uglier or slower than everyone else. Which is why I'm going to be stuck in retail till I'm 90. I don't know how to accept myself because there is nothing I can accept. I have never been able to do anything on my own without help, whether I've asked for it or not. I have always needed extra tutoring, more time than every one else to understand, more likely to make a mistake, over and over again. Every time I try and do something different, I hit the same wall, just to be told I am too stupid or tha my ambitions exceed my abilities. I am more of a burdan than anything else. I just feel completely worhtless all the time.

[Summer Rose]

Hi. The pain in your post is palpable. I am so sorry that you feel so low.

I can tell you with 100 per cent certainty that you are not worthless. Like me, and everyone else on this planet, you may have strengths and weaknesses but that's okay and it's normal. We are often our own worst critics.

You are certainly not a burden, not to me. You have reached out to a community that understands your pain and a community that will support you. You are not alone.

Perhaps it would also help for you to talk to someone. You can call Lifeline on 13 11 14 to talk through how you are currently feeling. Or maybe pop into to chat with your GP today.

[Croix]

Dear Lindz81~

Sometimes one reads a post and straight away there is a miss-match. Having read yours I have the impression you are literate, articulate (and can spell better than I:) Yet your own impression is of someone who is "dumber, uglier or slower than everyone else".

Why is that? If I look into my own past I've felt as you do, a failure, less than others, every avenue hopeless. I have PTSD, anxiety and bouts of depression and these illnesses had taken over my thoughts. They did it very well so I really believed those things were facts, and I believed them for a long time. Eventually with the proper medical help I saw those horrible thoughts for what they were - a product of my illness.

Now I do not know your circumstances. For whatever reason meds and therapy have not worked. Well OK that means they need altering -or starting afresh - so they do work. Not impossible, just hard as it is often a trial and error process, not cut and dried. I had to do this for a long time, I'm glad I did as it has worked in the end.

I now know I have worth, am capable, feel accomplishment and can give and receive love.

I don't know how you have been treated. Many people are unfortunately put down by friends, relatives, parents, workplaces. If this happens long-term there is a very human tendency to think there is truth in it and one is inadequate - not the case.

Sometimes in an effort to get out of an unpleasant lifestyle one might reach too high, and not pull it off. That simply means one's next attempt is a little more realistic. Life is learning from mistakes. Everything you do provides experience you employ for the next thing. You get from failure to success. It also helps if you set intermediate goals that are easier to attain, that way you live with successes, not fails.

Being helped can be a great thing if it is motivated by care. On the other side it can be a put-down if given in a belittling manner. I don't know which you have had. I do know that when I have been helped I've not always been able to repay that particular person, so have to adopt a 'pass it on' philosophy.

Now I've said a whole load of stuff here, mostly guesswork. Would you like to come back and say what you think?

Croix

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[L_J1]

Thank you both for replying back. I honestly wasn't expecting it. And I do appreciate your words. Unfortunately any goals that maybe realistic are already things I have now (and even now I am not particularly good at my job). I have worked in retail and so the possibilities are slim for anything else. Further study is not an option. And I don't think starting fresh is a reality, medication only do a couple of things to block certain impulses. Which is great when it's bad emotion but that counts out enjoyment. I can't read, watch a movie or appreciate any art, and apart from my partner art is the only thing I have that is worth living for, even if I cannot create it. And for me personally, self help language has always seemed a little false. Now this is for my experience personally, I don't think this relates to everyone, this works for a more people than it doesn't. But for me there is nothing concrete behind the language, it can float there hoping it sticks. And there just aren't enough examples of being able succeed or be good at anything, no matter how hard I work, it's never enough. I could go on, but it would descend in me just pitying myself more than I am already. Again I thank for your kind words. I just need to finally accept that I am an idiotic loser and I think life would be better.

[Summer Rose]

Hi. It was nice to hear from you again. I'm glad you posted.

I hear your concerns about the value of self-help words, so I'll try not to go there. But I am hoping I might encourage you to think about your perspective because from my perspective, from what I have read, I see success. Bear with me and consider the evidence that you have provided.

You have someone in this world to care about and who likely cares about you. You landed a job in a competitive market. You are maintaining employment. You are making a responsible contribution to society. Importantly, you have gained skills that are transferrable to other employment areas. You have personal insight, recognising you need some support. You have the courage to reach out on this forum.

It sounds like you have tried other structured types of professional help and medication. Okay. So it has not yet worked out for you in this department but I encourage you to keep going. Ask yourself, what's the alternative? Believe me when I say, there is a lid for every pot. There have been many times over the last six years that I have thought about giving up. Hope keeps me going. Not self-help optimism, hope. That burning feeling in your gut that you can weather the storm because you just know it will get better. And I think you have some hope or you wouldn't have posted. Don't be afraid. Let it grow.

Thank you for telling us that you love art. Gives me some ideas ... perhaps you could combine your retail experience with your passion. There are many types of customer service roles at art galleries and art shops. There is also the possibility of exploring window dressing or retail display type work ... maybe even through the retail company you currently work for. You write beautifully, could you consider writing about art, artists and art shows, etc? Good copy doesn't lie, which means formal schooling isn't essential.

I know you've ruled out future study, can you tell me why? Maybe we can explore it a bit more.

[Croix]

Dear Lindz81/L.J~

First off I guess you are the same:), maybe forgot your password which I did once when I tried to log on from a strange machine.

I think Summer Rose has covered a lot of things and done it well, I'd agree completely.

Like Rose I see your love of your partner and of art as being immensely important. I reached the stage where I could not concentrate, so my books and all were lost to me. Sadly I also lost the knowledge of love. As time went on I stated to read again , though I was reduced to adolescent fantasies. In time that progressed until I'm capable of reading to the level I was at before.

To my good fortune I became less isolated and was able to give and receive love again.

Would you like to say what sort of art is important for you, and what you would like to be able to do in that area? Appreciate, understand, make?

I've found that seeking things one enjoys is important, it's not selfish, and helps make life less overwhelming, gray and hopeless. It also gives something to look forward to.

Croix

[Candice5]

Hi Lindz81,

I've felt the same way you do for many years. I've been struggling at work a lot because I make mistakes and I feel guilty about the mistakes and also embarrassed as well. I work in a very busy office and there is huge pressure. I work for a couple of people and I worry about losing my job all the time. But you know something? A lot of people at work really like me and think I do a good job. Whenever I get an email from a colleague or a customer thanking me for my work, I keep it. I keep copies on my computer and then when I'm feeling inadequate I re-read these to remind myself that I also sometimes do a great job and I'v helped lots of customers too.

I also know that tomorrow by Thursday I'm going to feel stronger. I remid myself how much happiness I bring to my family and how much I make my friends and cousins laugh. Yes, I wish I had a higher IQ, better memory and more common sense. But then I am good at talking to people, hosting parties and cooking.

So be kind to yourself. Wishing you peace and joy.

[L_J1]

Thank you again for all your kind words. I am feeling a little better at the moment. I feel when I am at my worst might be connected to PMS, anyway that is here nor there. In terms of art I like novels and other written forms. I love movies and go to the cinema a lot. And try to go to Museums when I can. I know there's are worlds I will never be able to actual enter. Because I am not that creative.

Yeah, everyone is right, it is those things that keep me going. I know I should be more thankful for my life than I am, I am probably more lucky than I have every right to be. Maybe I am getting to the point in my life where I realise this is it. It's not going to change or get any better. Candice I have doubt you are good at your job if you get such great positive feedback, and you deserve it.

To answer Summer Rose, retail is retail where ever you go. The job is the same no matter what product you are dealing with. It does help if you like it but it doesn't really change. In theory I have transferable skills but it's retail and that's all people see, no matter what I do to my CV or how many different people look at it. The answer is the same. I have never had a desk job because I've never been able to get one. As for study two reasons, first loan situation is a little tricky, as in I'm a kiwi and can't get one. And two my best academically, even when I do the work or try my best is it winds up being a B or whatever the modern equivalent is, a Credit or something. Usually with study I require extra tuition just to get to that stage. Which isn't good enough, and doesn't help when looking for employment in something more specific. Why would they, hire someone who has the first class honours and is smarter and picks up things quicker in every respect. When I speak I often I find it hard to communicate what I want to say. Which happens again and again. And since retail is just retail, this is what I am. Even if I hate everything about myself. Anyway I am babbling. And it will change nothing.

Thank you to everyone again.

[Summer Rose]

Hi again. It does sound like you are feeling better and I'm very glad for you. It is always helpful to count one's blessings and accept the reality of the situation, even if it's not exactly what we want. But I'm not sure it means you must give up trying to change the situation. This must be your decision.

I'm an old journo so I understand your passion for writing and words and I know there are ways to enter the writing world through the back door. It was one of my first news room editors who told me, Good copy doesn't lie. I suspect someone else said it first, but never-the-less he was right!

You might want to consider joining your local or state's Writer's Centre. There are many events to attend that will enable you to meet others that share your passion. Importantly you will gain information about the many writing competitions offered throughout Australia and abroad. You don't have to win, set realistic goals. Perhaps aim to finish a piece and then decide if you want to enter. The act of writing alone will feel good and it will help balance out the pain you are experiencing. It will also give you material for a portfolio, whether you enter or not, whether you use it or not is a decision you can make down the track.

Volunteer centres and agencies can also be helpful. You will be surprised to find there are volunteer roles out there that involve writing. I have done this whilst on maternity leave (I am a tragic and must write daily to live!)and found it's another way to keep writing, potentially build a portfolio of work and contribute to the community--a way to feed your soul.

I wish you the best of luck with your future endeavours. Your writing is good and I believe in you.