Here goes nothing

[Kitten0]

I am 25, moved out of home 6 years ago, in a relationship for 5 years, been in my same job for 6 years, lived in the same place for 9 years.

My emotions always seem to go the same way every morning. Wake up sad, go to work sad, have breakfast, happy for 10 minutes, stressed throughout the day and angry as soon as I get home, and that is even if I get home on time. My sibling has 3 kids, I have none of my own. I try to help her as much as I can but feel like I can never say no to them. I said no once and my sibling didn't talk to me for a day before trying to convince me to leave my partner at home to come and see them. I feel for my partner. I feel for my mum, always at work and when she comes home, she has no time to spend with anyone as she is FIFO and misses a lot.

I can't make any friends as I consider myself to be "weird" or "awkward". I say things, instantly regret them. I do things, instantly wish I was at home in my room. I can't help but want something to happen to me, you know, like a car crash, illness, have a child (my partner isn't ready yet), move country, something HUGE! something to make me feel something other than sadness all the time. Then I reconsider and tell myself that's crazy and I shouldn't think like that. But the thoughts creep back in. I am stuck. I am lost and I don't know how to move forward.

Talking helps, but not every time, I just want to cry, and for no reason. Thanks for listening.

[Croix]

Dear SpasticKitten~

Welcome here. You post gives a clear picture of your life and the problems you face. Being in a daily grind which raises stress, and having a demanding sibling to deal with too is a pretty heavy load. Wanting to cry is not really for nor reason. I had the same thing and it was due to stress, depression and similar illnesses.

The same goes for those fantasies of life events taking choice out of your hands and putting you in a different - and hopefully better - situation.

I doubt that moving forward is what you might imagine. To have a happier life, not succumb to stress and to deal with the hassles in front of you takes support. Not trying to maintain the status quo and trying to manage by yourself.

May I suggest you contact your doctor in a long consultation and say exactly what has been happening and how you feel? The pressure, anger and frustration, the thoughts of escape, the crying and any other feelings of this sort. If you are already diagnosed with depression or something similar then you need to have your treatment altered - it is not effective. Of course if you are not under treatment now is exactly the right time to start.

I was never able to improve, in fact I kept getting worse, until I had competent medical help.

It can be a pretty daunting thing to go to the doctor, worrying, frightening and possible embarrassing too. If you think in a face to face situation you might not talk clearly, cover everything, or be tempted to leave bits out then I'd suggest you do as I've done, write it all down first and share the paper.

Do you have personal support, someone in your life you can talk with, share your difficulties and have their care and perspective? My partner made a world of difference to me in that respect.

Things can get better, your image of yourself can change so you see the worth in you, not the weird, and awkwardness will lessen as you have less stress. Wanting that retreat into your room will come to seem unnecessary.

One other thing I'd suggest. Try to do things for you. It's not being selfish, just practical. I do things I enjoy to distract me, give me a feeling of being rewarded. Gives me something to look forward to each day. I use books, movies and gentle exercise (walking). What sort of things do you enjoy?

Croix

[Kitten0]

Hello, Thankyou for your kind words. Quite regularly it feels like there is nobody to talk to. I have seen multiple doctors and like you said.. i didnt cover everything or at least not go into enough detail of where my head is at. My partner is my everything and my mother is my rock. But they have told me to harden up or "just say no". My sibling is a beautiful person and i share the frustration of having 3 kids. I love them unconditionally. But i just cant bring myself to say anything or speak up as i have done so in the past and received negative backlash... or at the very least. A hug and "get over it" speach from most. I hate being so angry and the negative thoughts have been getting worse. I feel.. crazy?! Crazy would be the word... I will try once more and reach out again to a different doctor... thankyou again.

[geoff]

hello SpasticKitten, please let me welcome you to the forum and for posting your comment.

From what you have told us could it be possible that you feel as though you are trying to catch up with what's happening around you but feel as though you are unable to.

You should not feel crazy at all, struggling doesn't include this at all, what it does mean is that you are lost and don't know what to do.

Our doctor is someone who we must be able to connect with, to say exactly what we want to without hesitation, because if we don't, then they can't help us and will be leading them down the wrong path won't achieve anything, remember we are seeing them, because we have something that needs attending to, and this includes some type of mental illness.

Perhaps a hug with the words 'I understand' but let's help you get all the assistance you need. Geoff.