Why sometimes does it almost feel pleasurable to 'give in' to our depression?

[coleworld94]

Sometimes, when overwhelmed with negative thoughts, I find myself saying "okay have 20 mins to just lie down and give in to the negative thoughts". I will lay there, and just sought of "bathe in the depression". I will completely let go of any techniques I use to try to offset my bad mood, and just be absorbed by it. I will tell myself horrible thoughts in my head and absolutely be engulfed in self-loathing and criticism. And strangely, it feels sort of as if I am getting pleasure out of this? or it is like a little treat and then I will get back to trying to remain positive later on. Am I the only one who seems to do this?

[Unbeliever]

I can't say that I do this (to be honest I don't really need to... what you are describing is pretty much a standard daily routine for me). But is sounds like you are purposely doing this as a form of"meditation" because your depressed thoughts have become something that is so familiar to you that you now feel almost "safe" with them. Almost as if submerging yourself in your darkest thoughts is a place where you find you "calm place". Which if true is quite interesting.

I'm assuming that depressing thoughts are not a new thing for you, that this has been a part of your life for quite some time now. So most of your days are spent fighting against it... which I know can be quite exhausting to maintain constantly all day, everyday, for years on end.

In a way, those of us that have lived with our "dark passenger" for long enough... they have become such a constant companion in our lives that they are kind of a familiar friend. Not a really great friend of course... but still very familiar.

Perhaps, this is the way you have found to take a short break from "the struggle" of always battling against it and to give yourself the energy necessary to continue the fight? Like a truck driver taking a quick nap at those pitstops along freeways when they are on long overnight interstate shifts.

I might be completely off, but this is what is sounds like to me.

[blondguy]

Hello Coleworld94

Thankyou for posting with us and welcome 🙂

Unbeliever has a great post above that you may be taking a 'short break' from fighting this awful condition

I dont know if you have been diagnosed with depression. I understand the way you feel as I have had depression for a while now and I am fortunate that I have a crackerjack GP that helps me out when I am stuck

You are not the only one that takes some time and 'accepts' these awful feelings for what they are...feelings

I have been using acceptance as a way not to 'fight' these feelings too

You are not alone. The forums are a safe and judgement free place for you to post

You are more than welcome to post any thoughts or questions whenever you wish

My kind thoughts

Paul

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi coleworld94 -

Welcome to the forums and thanks for posting. It’s interesting since this is the first thread I’ve seen about it and yet I know you’re not alone in feeling it.

If I was asked personally ‘do I feel pleasure in bathing horrible thoughts’? The answer would be no! But for me, it’s often easier - our negative thoughts in depression are so often automatic that challenging them is such hard work. When you ‘bathe’ in your thoughts, do you accept them, or do you add to them? I think that’s probably a key difference.

The other thing that might be important to know is that our brain can get high on worry (it’s one of our brain’s feel good chemicals). If it’s just the right dose, it helps us with problem solving, but if it’s too high - it causes anxiety. Even if you have depression, sometimes anxiety can tie in quite well - so I wonder if perhaps that interlinks?

With all that said though - at the end of the day, if it helps - it helps! I think we all have different ways of coping and if yours seems to work for you then go for it.

[coleworld94]

Thank you Unbeliever, blondguy, and romantic_thi3f for your kind words and your thoughts on the topic.

I have been dealing with depression for 2 years now, with 2 truly debilitating periods of about 6 weeks where I could hardly leave the house.

I am much better now but just yesterday had a really bad day, hence the post. One thing that I find can sometimes cheer me up when im feeling really sad seems to be learning new things. I especially like to learn about the condition that I and so many other are living with. So yeah, thought a post on here could be a good way to see if anyone else knew what I was talking about, and I can learn something new.

I think you guys could be onto something though. I think the pleasurable feeling is more to do with it being easier like romantic_thi3f said. All day you will have terrible thoughts. And all day you try to offset these thoughts, or tell yourself that they are just that, thoughts, and they are not who you are etc. But after so long you just get tired and don't have the strength to continue to challenge the thoughts. And all though I know logically that I'm not worthless and Im not a terrible person etc. when your brain is telling yourself that all day it can be so convincing!

[LuLu_]

Hello

I don’t really know if my words will add anything to your discussion.

I know it might sound strange and I don’t mean to upset anyone if you feel differently but sometimes I wish the depths of my depression would just envelope me.

currently I don’t feel much. I don’t really care. Those dark painful feelings would be welcome right now. They bring me satisfaction. It’s like a reminder that I am actually alive and that I can feel.

This ambivalence is numbing. I need a sharp pain to jolt my senses. I need the sinking suffocating feeling to make me realise what it is to be human.

I understand if others feel that they wish their pain to just go away and never return. I hope your pain subsides if you want it to disappear.

I feel like a bad person for saying this but it is like my shadow. I’ve heard people say depression is predictable and comfortable and that’s why it is hard to let go. But there is a part of me that doesn’t want to let go. That’s why I welcome the dark because I know it so well.

Should I feel I am a bad person for thinking these things? Perhaps.

Sorry if my comment wasn’t of value

Lulu