Drinking my feelings away - I can't cope

BeyondChris · ‎09-09-2018

Hey all.

It's my first post here so here we go... So this year has been rough in terms of my depression and anxiety. I've been through a lot of heart-ache, betrayal by one of my closest friends (turned out she was using and manipulating me for her own purposes...she treated me like shit and like I was beneath her) and one of the relationships I got into with a guy - ended up with me experiencing something I thought would never happen to me... let's just say there was a slight lack of consent.. (it's too much to write it here, I can't say it sorry).

So I have realised that I use alcohol to cope with my feelings and I don't know how to cope with healthier options. I drink to feel good.. at least for awhile. I find it so hard to process things, I dont know how. I recently took a hardcore drug to help me feel good and I never thought I would reach this point.

How do you deal with your feelings? I've tried - exercise, I have some amazing friends and a good family.. I don't know what to do.

JessF · ‎10-09-2018

Hello BeyondChris, it does sound like a rough year for you with violated trust from friends and also an intimate partner. I understand that you don't want to go into the details of what happened with your boyfriend here, but from what you're saying with the drinking and drugs, you are having some extremely intense negative feelings that you're finding it hard to cope with. Have you considered seeking some professional counselling to talk through what happened? Using drink and drugs as an escape can work for a little while, but I sense you're concerned that it's taking you in the long term to a place that isn't healthy.

To your last question, how to deal with feelings. A lot of what we feel can come from the thoughts that run through our heads and the stories we tell ourselves. When you start feeling really low and want to drink to turn the feelings off, what are some of the thoughts that run through your mind?

I hope you'll post again soon.

baet123 · ‎10-09-2018

Hi BeyondChris,

Welcome to the forums.

I commend you for posting and sharing your situation with us. That is a huge achievement and you should be proud.

Sorry to hear your having such a rough year, life isn't easy and we all experience ups and downs. It is absolutely understandable for not wanting to talk in detail about what happened and no need to apologise.

It is normal during tough times to turn to certain "things"that make us feel better and you should not feel guilty or be too hard on yourself for doing so.

Here are some things to consider that have helped me deal with my feelings:

- Talk to a health professional if you feel comfortable doing so. Dealing with someone who will listen to you and you feel comfortable letting them into your life might be something you would consider.

- Receiving social support. You mention you have amazing friends and a good family. Tell them how you feel regularly and let it out (if you feel comfortable doing so). Holding it in didn't work for me and many people have said the same. You sound like an amazing person with amazing support around you and I am sure they would like to support you as much as they can.

- Writing in a journal or on these forums is a great form of self-care and dealing with your emotions.

- Be aware of your emotions and understand it is completely normal to feel this way.

I look forward to hearing from you again soon.

Hope this helped.

Baet123

BeyondChris · ‎10-09-2018

Hey JessF, I was seeing a psychologist this year and a different one last year. But for some reason, it just doesn't help me in the long term. I feel good afterwards but then I eventually go back to being in an unstable mood. I do have one really close friend I can talk to about these things, and I do occasionally but I don't want to burden them all the time with all of these negative things.
I want to be someone who is fun to be around and not someone who just dumps all of their stuff on someone else all the time because that is too much for them. I also feel like I should learn how to cope with these things by myself. It doesnt help that I'm currently overseas for 5 months by myself so I can't see my friends in person. My close friend told me that I should watch my drinking, so did my psychologist. My family is good to me but I wouldn't tell them this sort of personal stuff, we aren't that close.
When I start to feel low, my feelings of self-worth just seem to drop away. I've worked really hard on myself these past few years and I have gotten a lot of progress with my mental health, yet it always seems to come back and make me feel like shit. I feel like a burden sometimes, and that no one likes me, even if that isnt true. I drink because I feel like it makes me a more likeable person to everyone else and I'm more 'fun.' I mainly drink in social situations but when I do I binge drink. I also get an emotional release when I drink because I'm able to process my feelings and cry about things that have happened ages ago.
In my head, always going on in the background, I have thoughts about wanting to hurt myself etc. I have urges where I want to go back to self-harm, and they are always in the background of my mind. Sometimes they surface up when I do experience something negative but I've been able to control those urges, I haven't had a relapse since earlier this year.

Thank you baet123 for the advice, I think I will take up journalling while I am overseas to help me process some of my feelings. I am definitely becoming more aware of my feelings, although accepting them is a different matter haha.

JessF · ‎11-09-2018

I think it's a good sign that even though you have these feelings of being a burden and that no one likes you, you also know these things are not true. It may not feel like it, but that is progress. It's also good that you can recognise when the drinking becomes a problem, you see that you tend to drink in social situations because it makes you feel more likeable. Knowing this gives you an opportunity to 'interrupt' this the next time it happens. You could try the next time you are going to a social function to make a plan beforehand to either not drink, or manage the number of drinks you have. Make the plan as specific as you can, so you can easily follow it, and maybe enlist a friend to help you stick to it.

As to the other part, that you need the emotional release of drinking... is there another way you could do this? Baet's suggestion about journalling that you are going to try is a good one. Perhaps those feelings from things that have happened ages ago are things you could try writing about in your journal as a way of bringing those emotions to the surface.

Well done for becoming more aware of your feelings. You are right that acceptance is the tough part, but it will come with time. I find it helpful to tell myself that feelings aren't facts, and exploring them in a more detached way can help you accept them as sensations in the body rather than things you have to connect to and act on.

therising · ‎13-09-2018

Hi BeyondChris

So sorry to hear you have been through such intense life-altering moments without the most effective support, as far as mental health goes. As many will attest to, it is such a trial and error process when it comes to finding the most effective therapist and/or anti-depressant.

During my years in depression (been out a little while now), I was a fairly seasoned binge drinker myself. It wasn't until I was able to look back with a clear mind that I realised what the drinking was all about. Whether its alcohol, drugs or anti-depressant meds, the objective is to change the chemistry that's going on up there, as well as the thought processing. Depression is a super tough gig to say the least; thoughts trigger chemistry and that chemistry triggers thoughts and round and round it goes (leading people you scream in one way or another 'Get my off this hell ride!!!'). This might help in explaining the dual approach regarding a combination of therapy and meds. Another thing to keep in mind - exercise releases certain chemicals into our system which aid well-being. When folk are saying 'Exercise, exercise, exercise' it's for a reason. Tough to do when the motivation's not there. But knowing a little about the chemical lab going on inside of us doesn't necessarily help at a more soulful level.

The 'mind/body/spirit balance' aspect of life is definitely effected by depression all round. If you trade the word 'spirit' for 'energy', it perhaps gives a better understanding as to why the 3rd part of the triad is effected. Feeling that energetic connection to life/people goes out the window a bit, hey?! Personally, I've never heard anyone at the low point of depression proclaim 'I'm jam packed with energy and ready to take on the world!'

Hope this all may go toward explaining why when someone feels better in therapy it can feel only temporary - unless the chemistry aspect is addressed, we can remain a bit of a slave to it. People who have found the most effective anti-depressants will acknowledge this. By the way, the most effective thought processing strategies alone can be enough to tweak the chemistry here and there. We are super complex creatures indeed!!!

Take care of yourself BeyondChris as my thoughts remain with you on your journey through recovery. I pray your journey takes you ever closer to finding your true self, that self that sets you free.

baet123 · ‎13-09-2018

Hi BC,

Thanks for your reply.

Unfortunately as you said, accepting them is indeed an entirely different matter 🙂

Please keep us updated how keeping a journal goes while your oversees and whenever you need to post here, please do it. We would love to hear how your going and we are here for you. Also, I know it may feel like a chore some days but try and be consistent with your journal. This is important for self-care professionally and personally. It will be a great way to track your emotions and how your progressing and if there are any trends/patterns.

All the best,

Nick 🙂

BeyondChris · ‎23-09-2018

Hey guys

Thank you again for what you’ve all said, it really helps me to reread your posts while I go through these changes.

So far I have kept my journal up, although the past week I have been so busy I neglected to write anything down. Tonight I’m hoping to write down what I missed.

I went out to a club last night with some friends and managed to control my drinking! I only had 4 shots of vodka the whole night, which, compared to the usual 10+ standard drinks I would consume is a big step in the right direction.

I’m making better friends with everyone and I only occasionally feel really bad inside, mainly when I’m alone which isn’t often because I’m always doing things with people (it’s a good distraction).

Fingers crossed that I can keep this up. I’m going to join the university gym so I can exercise and feel good. Slow progess wins the race.

Wish me luck in my continued effort!

baet123 · ‎24-09-2018

Hey BC,

Great stuff mate. Keeping the journal can, at times, be super tedious and annoying however I think it is super important for our own self-care and well-being. I think its great that you aren't overly stressing when you forget to add entries or write anything down. That is normal and don't be to hard on yourself. It is the thought and intent that is really important.

I am extremely pleased that you are taking steps and managing your drinking. That is so bloody hard to do mate and you should be extremely proud. Small, steady steps mate. It is okay to take a few steps backwards to as long as we move forward and progress in the long run. It is awesome that you are socialising and it seems like your overall quality of life is improving which is the main thing.

Rome wasn't built in a day right? Our journey although it may be long and a struggle at times, it is always worth it in the end man. Nothing good comes easy. Keep kicking butt man! You are doing an awesome job and we are here for you whenever you need support or anyone to talk to.

Best of luck mate! Keep trucking on!

Nick.