Dreams are dying, can you help?

[AstroRug]

Hi everyone

First off, I think you're all amazing people to give support to strangers.  I know i lurk around the internet when I'm feeling particularly bad and out of ideas, but if I get well I'm off trying to lead a 'normal' life again and pretend that this bad patch never happened. After years of getting sucked back into it, you'd think I'd learn right?  I'm obviously a pretty slow learner.  

So I moved cities last year to take on a pretty big challenge - going back to uni at 30 to do a really tough course, which is totally unrelated to everything I'd done in the past.  I had a really good job before that, although I always felt that nag of dissatisfaction and the sense that I should be putting my energy into something more worthy.  So I took a big gamble leaving my company after nearly 5 years, and having been up here for about 20 months, it's dawning on me that I lost.  

I started finding it really difficult after about 6 months, after 8 months I stopped being able to enjoy or relax on weekends or holidays, after 1 year I stopped being able to think clearly, and after nearly 18 months my mind and body have just given up.  I was attending the compulsory activities but was mentally a shattered wreck.  I got in touch with the course administrators, who very generously have allowed me to take 12 months off, and now 3 weeks later here I am.  

I've been treated for depression on and off for 12 years, and it got ramped up by a psychiatrist this year, who thinks it's a bipolar II disorder.  To me it's just pain.  I don't think I've ever had it this bad.  Things look terribly bleak.  Being someone who needs a plan, and to feel like they know where they're going, I'm

not coping very well feeling this lost.  

I just have no energy for anything, and I don't think I'm ever going to again.  I feel like I've been doing everything I can to get going again - seeing psychiatrists, seeing psychologists, spending time with friends, eating well, exercising, opening up to people - but every effort I make just leaves me with a sense of

failure.  Everything I do now feels futile, pointless and ill-conceived.  The dreams I had are now in complete tatters and I feel destined to give up on everything, eventually. .  

My mother came up to visit me and she eventually broke down in tears after I explained to her how much I'm hurting.  It breaks my heart to cause this pain to others

I appreciate your reading - I know you'd like to help but I don't think anything can. 

[endlesslydriftingthroughspace]

There was this big bang once. Now were sharpening our two front teeth. I lost faith that there is a point. I just am now. 

You said everything you do feels futile. I think in a way you're right. I don't think making a few posts will change me. I posted something for the first time yesterday. I am 29 and have felt like this since I was 18. I share your doubt that anyone can help. 

Ignorance is definitely bliss. My curiosity has left the world black and white. I only survive by the thought that I see life for what it truly is, like a secret no one else can see. I made a deal with the man in the mirror. I don't feel pain or heartache now. I don't feel anything. I'm ok. Just not...yeah I don't know 

[Ellmo]

Astrorug, you write so eloquently, and so many things you wrote about resonated with me.

I'd like to tell you that I think you're so brave. To seek help from uni, from your health professionals and opening up to your mother. I have not been able to do any of those things, and usually my cry for help is at the 11th hour, when I am so deep and dark in a hole that there seems to be no way out. So please believe- as someone who lacks the courage to admit it to 'the world'- your bravery is to be commended.

You've also gained the courage to follow your dreams, change jobs and move to pursue your dream(s). That takes a phenomenal about of effort, bravery and confidence and I envy you that, as someone who lacks the energy and passion to pursue their dreams...from someone who doesn't even have a dream. You're doing ok.

Of course your body and mind gave out. I am not surprised at all. Such mammoth changed to your everyday life is bound to have you running on adrenaline and when that runs out, you have the 'come down', the reality check. And unfortunately for you it has knocked you down. Keep that courage in a safe place because you will need it again. Think about your track record: you've managed to get through these dark times before with the right support, so there's hope and expectation that you will get through this again. To quote Dr. Phil (haha), 'the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour'. In the past you've pulled through and you will do again.

I wish you all the best in your recuperation time. Perhaps when you're feeling up to it, you can tackle your uni requirements at half capacity (PT) until you regain your strength and confidence. I know the pressure it can create as I too am studying and it takes me to some horrendous places, mentally, as I doubt myself at every turn, daring myself to fail.

Believe it or not, you're an inspiration to me. Despite your set backs you've asked for support and have made some difficult decisions in the meantime. Truly, your courage is wonderful. I wish you the best of luck x

Endlesslydriftingthroughspace- I also hope you can find the support you need to feel again.

[AstroRug]

Guys - thanks so much for commenting.  Especially Elimo, that kindness brings a tear to me eye.

 Endlesslydriftingthroughspace - your comment makes me think that there is a point to life, and deep down you know this. 

 I want to give you guys an update - I saw my doctor on Monday and he said 'let's get you on medication.

I know it's only been 5 days, but yesterday and today were the first times I've woken up in months without pain.  I don't want to get too excited too early (as I'm sure we've all had false dawns), but the rain clouds seem to be clearing a bit.  I've actually started remembering who I was/am, and started to just 'be'. 

I hope you guys, and everyone reading this, gets some relief soon too.  

*And hey, look at me, going back to a post when I'm starting to feel normal again.  Just goest to show, people can change and all that arises, passes. 

 Take care everybody 

[AstroRug]

Guys my original post named the medication that I was switched to.  The editing from Beyondblue removed the name and switched it to 'medication'.  Ok, fair enough.  But I don't want anyone to think that I haven't tried medication before.  I have been on medication 10 years.  A lot of different kinds and different doses.

 Thanks all - keep battling everybody. I'm cheering for you.