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Don't know where to turn...
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Hi guys, has been some time since my last post in 2015 (!!!) ... I've kind of found myself in a 360 mode where I have returned to the head space of not knowing what to do with my life. In the last 2 years I have built a wonderful personal life, and sadly recently fallen out with some very close family members of which I was at the end of incredible betrayal (over my recent wedding a couple of months ago), but have tried to turn this into ammunition to be a better person and do better with my life.
Currently I am working casually, really enjoying it but there's not a lot of hours to go around. I knew this when I signed up. I just wanted a physical job with less stress so I could "try figure out my life". Prior to this recent job, I worked in a full-time role for 3.5 weeks which I did not like at all, and felt very uncomfortable in, however now I am left with not earning enough to pay my bills, putting stress on my husband and myself because I simply cannot get my act together.
I want to work, I just don't feel like I have it in me to give a company my 'all', and lets face it, starting up some sort of study is going to keep me from earning money - I have thought about this option in great detail, but I have studied about 4 times before and always dropped out... I am really starting to resent myself and wish I knew where to turn, where to go.
I'm unfortunately claiming bankruptcy in a couple of months, which I have emotionally come to terms with. I'm now looking forward to it, to eliminate the background stress in my life...
I suppose all I can really put my thoughts and feelings down to is I'm annoyed I can't "hold down a job" or figure out what I want to do. I simply do not feel like I have the energy to work a full time job as stupid as that sounds, and staying in this casual role that I'm in now is not going to get me anywhere. I know it is a simple solution of applying and getting into something else, but what does someone do when nothing sounds good, nothing interests me and for a lack of a better term I cannot be bothered working at all.
I have NEVER been like this in my life. I am so strong and independent, and have had many many jobs in my time. But for some reason, its fallen on me like a tonne of bricks and if I don't do something shortly I will go down with them.
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Welcome back, I guess it’s pretty good you have gone for so long without being down enough to need to come back.
You do sound down now, and a lot of it appears to be dissatisfaction with your current self. This combined with money worries present a big load to bear. Do you have any theories yourself as to why you feel as you do?
In 2015 you were talking of perhaps visiting a doctor and getting a Health Plan. My I ask if you went ahead with this, your seeming lack of motivation and general feelings at the moment remind me of my self during some bouts of depression.
If you did not I’d suggest you visit your GP and talk things over, see what happens.
You mention being married, and that you had a disagreement with your family, going so far as to say you had been betrayed. Do you in fact have people who are on your side and care, who you can talk about things with? Other family, your partner or friends? I’ve found this to be an enormous help.
Feeling as you do may not be the right time to either seek full time work or engage in study. There is no point in setting yourself up for failure, that will only make you feel worse.
As a family unit can you hang on a bit financially with just doing the part time -which you say yourself you enjoy? Doing something you enjoy, and that is productive, is a great boost.
I’m sure the bankruptcy will be having an effect on you and when the proceedings are over you may find you are more comfortable with yourself. Similarly a falling out with family, even if you know you are in the right, will have taken it’s toll.
I would suggest you have a look around this forum at others that have felt as you and not felt enthusiasm, see how they coped
I’d like to know what you think
Croix
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