Does it usually get worse before it gets better?

[Reventon]

Apologies up front - I tend to be verbose at the best of times and currently my thoughts aren't as focused as usual. I've got some actual questions in this post, but also my brain just wants me to get some of this out. Sorry if it's in the wrong forum too. 

Some background: 

I've had depression and anxiety pretty solidly since I was 13, and now I'm 39. I've done various forms of therapy but have never been on medication. It probably would have been worth pushing through my avoidance of SSRIs (and other options) as I made the choice to self-medicate with alcohol, cocaine, and methamphetamine for a number of years. What can I say, the risk of erectile dysfunction just scares the shit out of me. 

I've traced back the cause of a lot of my mental health challenges to growing up in a remarkably emotionally unstable household, also to being molested by a priest at 12 years old and not feeling like it was safe or ok for me to talk about this.

My dad is an alcoholic from a broken home who tries his best but struggles with emotional conversations. My mother (also an alcoholic, probably anorexic most of her life) has never been officially diagnosed but demonstrates a lot of the behavioral hallmarks of borderline personality disorder with narcissistic tendencies.

She was also molested by a family friend as a child, hence why I never felt like it was safe or ok for me to talk. She introduced my abuser to our house and celebrated his birthday with him pretty warmly right before he died. I've always been worried the guilt she felt would drive her from gaslighting us and threatening suicide to actually doing it. 

Anyway, I guess I recently had a bit of a breakthrough talking about the abuse with my older sister. In some ways that's been good and has me feeling lighter, in others I feel totally lost and adrift. I still feel really guilty about identifying it and asking for help... a lot of people have had it way worse than me. I know that comparing childhood trauma isn't supposed to be a contest, but I still feel awful about asking for help. 

The apologies in the first sentence were probably a dead giveaway, right? 

Since the conversation, there's been a pervasive sense of feeling tired, overly emotional, disconnected, and confused. I'm normally sharp and precise in my thoughts and now I'm anything but. 

This make sense to anyone? Any advice? 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Sympathy is not what you are after but regardless I'm sorry for your pain. Some members of the clergy and many not have a lot to answer for and it stirs anger in some of us not even remotely involved. For you such memories and we wont under score it, will be lifelong, however as humans with aspirations to get the best outcome from such abuse, we need to focus on what actions can produce that so you can end up with peace of mind.

GUILT- yes that first sentence says a lot sadly. Best I just post a link, on these links you only need to read the first post.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/guilt-the-tormentor/td-p/321604

DNA- Embracing what you have the capacity to change and dropping off what you dont. 

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/dna-what-you-cant-change/td-p/296595

PHYSICAL RAMIFICATIONS- Negative effect of medications and other reasons like abuse and illness like anxiety are all too common in these pages but not often discussed due to shame. GP's can provide you with solutions to this and in the scheme of problems you face in my experience could be the least important issue due to the treatment available. 

YOUR PARENTS- As a peer adviser I suggest that some topics you'd like to discuss with your mother/father are best spoken to professionals about. This not only allows you to get it off your chest but it can "save" much hurt your parents might experience. Sometimes we need to care for them which feels odd but humble. In contrast your sister might be the one to get closer to.

SIDE EFFECTS- Your tiredness/confusion I've experienced similar when recalling the past during episodes of cleansing. I suggest meditation as being effective. Use google to find the following-

Youtube Maharaji sunset

Youtube Maharaji all is well

Youtube Maharaji the moment is now

I'm here, ready to listen.

TonyWK

[james1]

Hey Reventon,

This is absolutely the right place and I'm so sorry to hear about your past. It sounds like you've had some truly horrible experiences that continue to affect you today, and have not had the supports around you that you really needed.

I understand you were able to speak to your older sister about this more recently, and I'm glad to hear it's helped clarify some things, though I also understand how it could lead you to feel lost and even guilty. From what I have experienced and also read from others' experiences, these are really normal and sadly common experiences from victims of abuse. I am sure a psychologist could give a 'correct' reason, but from my own experience, a lot of it stems from the inability to have processed everything while I was still young.

In fact, just the other week, my dad was talking about something and he referenced some things that he used to do which, as a child, I was truly terrified of and really affected me. Hearing it as an adult, I now understand that he really had no idea the effect on me and still does not. So while I feel like I can't be angry at him anymore, I still feel incredibly conflicted and confused. But that's a bit of a tangent...

You've asked for some advice and I'm not sure I'm really in much of a position to give anything useful, because I'm still very much working through my own past. But perhaps I do have a question, which is to ask if you've ever had a chance to speak to anyone other than your older sister?

James