depression - life

[randomxx]

Sometimes l think what is this dream thing, happiness, should l just give up? lf l haven't got it by now later 50s l really must be dreamin right, ldk , but l wonder lately , a lot !

l've had it,l've been so lucky through large periods in huge ways and highs in life, but for some crazy reason things get lost or we stuff it up or they just pass and it seems the next faze comes along,like some yo yo.

l take any time comes along through things, days and routines l like now, to enjoy whatever it is, been making a big point of that last few yrs. So many things l took for granted before or it was all about the end dream instead of the living in between, worst thing you can do is fall for that trap.

lt really does help a lot too, big or small, mostly small atm but then life's made up of so many little things too isn't it you realize that we should've made sure we enjoyed long ago. lt's not all about the big stuff but the journey too, well, so l see now.

And it does make a huge difference, sometimes l even chuckle to myself at just how beautiful and enjoyable the small things in life are now that l do.

Buttttt, sadness unfortunately,depression from sadness, from the things giving you sadness, is usually all about the far far bigger things too unfortunately. Loneliness, or not where you wanted to be, or things lost.

l'll have to move next yr and that's really messing with me too. l'd have been here 8yrs by then, longest l've stopped anywhere since l left home, even while married, we moved a lot.

l don't know where l wanna go, l'll start browsing next yr, but l don't wanna buy another house straight away either, probably won't be able to at that time anyway so just as well l don't want to then right. Relationships looking lost, another thing l don't thing l took enough care of or to enjoy,my only true relationship since married 10yrs back.  Brothers moved back to Melb 12mths ago, my main sort of mate too plus brother since l moved here. Haven't made one friend in 8yrs- another reason l have to move, enoughs enough. Although l have really enjoyed living here and this time though, the house itself type thing, views, the morngs,at least that's something. 

But everything just feels stupid and lost and aimless and do you even bother to care anymore seems like this is what you end up with anyway.

ldk.

rx

[randomxx]

yeah , friends , circles, are a weird thing , and so many people disappoint, there's such a lack of depth these days too, even my d notices that.lt's the shallowness of these times of fb's, text, business and internet in a lot of cases too. But then as we get older people have their own lives too. l've been very lucky i life that in almost at any time or anywhere, l've just come across that one person l really click with, but through no fault of mine or theirs either, circumstances changed, moves or new partners, or something.

As l said, that's been my pattern, nothing you can do about it.Hoping my next move will be the last , then maybe to l don't move or they don't either.

ln this town though , nothing, in all this time. l always knew, knew day one l wouldn't fit in here , but the house itself ha been beautiful , and the living it too, especially for me and my d, and that was all it's main purpose first of all so can't complain and l'm so grateful for all that. But the people aspect is of no surprise at all.

That course, yeah , it's heavy stuff lright, and l know what you mean there's much of it and their theories and way they think and work l don't agree with either. Thta's why l knew it would mess gf up so much, no surprises it's done exactly what l knew it would.

[randomxx]

Mind you , not that l'm blaming gf for our situation , that's just one area of it that's of late iced the cake.

She's wanted to move down and into mine 3yrs now and start life, she's been all for it, and waited and waited. l've been the hold up not her. lf l would've committed things would've been very different, poor thing l've felt much guilt.

lt's a complicated story that's in my other thread but anyway.

l'm a pretty decisive person usually but for different reasons l've just never quite been able to get myself over the line with us, and that's why it's where it's at , it's my fault.

Gods or instinct l'm not sure which have for some reason been blocking me and yeah, all that alone probably a sign , l know. Could be she's just not the one for me .

l've tossed up about all that 1000 times bc she's such a rare and special person, and what we have is also very rare and so special , what more could l want buttt, still, just haven't quite gotten myself over the line.

[randomxx]

The brother that was up near me, gees he's weird. He's always been weird. We should be best mates after 15yrs up here being the only two in the family for 250k and many times in many ways it's been as if it was our world up here, and our thing.

l've always known what he's like though, he'll even give me a hug if we haven't seen ea other.He still has a place up here and comes up every wk or two, most of the time doesn't even tell me, and boom , his back down town.

But it means nothing, you always know that with him , the same as it means nothing in that no matter how close you feel you might be, it has no depth.

He's been back down town 12mths, has called twice. We use to catch up and have a drink and yarn every wk, often twice a wk, but you knew that had no depth to it either.

l've been within ks of their place down there a dozen times when l'm down there or passing through, not once, once, has he even invited me to drop in.

Everyone else in the family do or would if they knew l'd be going down, him, nothing. 15 yrs, nothing. ls it her, don't know that either l like her  but l've never trusted her. she usually fusses over me a lot when l do see her though , she's even flirted with me quite a few times, which l turn away from as tactfully as l can. But l've wondered even with all her nice, is it her, don't know.

Yet she invited my sister down and to stay a wk, in their small unit, and she they don't even like ea other- figure that one out, even brother couldn't believe it.

lt's just so damn strange isn't it.

rx

[therising]

Hi rx

Human nature's such a strange thing. Nature, nurture, life experience, certain epiphanies along the way, a variety of habits and more go toward making it what it is. Whether it's our own nature or the nature of others, can be so challenging at times. Btw, there must be a thing about brothers. I wonder about my brother too. He has the most complex nature out of just about everyone I know. In-laws, hmm, they can definitely trigger a serious sense of wonder for a whole variety of reasons.

Wondering if you ever think at times 'The hardest person to work out in my life is me'. It's strange how you think we'd know our self pretty well but we can always be learning something new. I think we're always in the process of 'waking up', becoming more and more conscious. It's a trip when you have those moments when you consider 'Why do I think the way I do? Why do I suffer so much through this belief or that belief?' and you eventually wake up to the fact it was never your belief to begin with. You could have been living with it the whole of your life and finally, 50 something years later, you hit on the revelation 'No wonder that belief's never served me well, it was put in my head by other people'. You just followed it, thinking it was your own.

I love it when people open my mind. I smile when I say it's so much easier when people can open your mind in a flash, through some amazing revelation, as opposed to taking days, months or even years to reach the same revelation on your own. Do you ever find there are times where you really miss feeling revelations, the kind of high and feeling of pure inspiration and energy they bring? There's no feeling like it, especially when it comes to the major ones. I can feel myself in desperate need of some lately. 

[randomxx]

Hey rising .

You know, you have this thing of what family is or what you'd like it to be or think it should be , but they to like most, usually disappoint, shame really butttt, l excepted that a long time ago, tis what it tis. they are what they are.

Strange again in that dad and mum were both very very loyal and true people, yet it hasn't passed through to most of the family.Huge family, there are one or two of us, but the rest- forget how huggy they are, it's just bs, means nothing.

Nope l don't wonder or miss that, l have so many things goin on l don't need more and l know myself pretty well.mind you, still get  the odd surprise but rare and mind you again, thing with gf, l don't quite get what is going on with me.

lf it was anyone else telling me that about their thing l'd see it instant and tell them , l have actually, well she's just not the one. But as l was saying, our thing is different, it's no where near as cut and dry unfortunately .

l do still get amazed at how little a lot of other people seem to see or truly understand or acknowledge themselves though, or even realize things they do, it's mind boggling.

On brothers, they can be disconnected , l mean as a mate to a mate though or as in with any of mine, that's a totally different thing so l don;t mean it in that way, especially with the one that lives up near mine but with sisters most def, or other family sometimes.

One of my sisters moved up here too few yrs back , but anything with her is nothing like the brothers. l hardly see her, she'd be on the door step if l let it. but l just don't enjoy being around her, we're totally different people l like totally different women to who she is. she's so airy fairy, her heads everywhere, she doesn't have the grounding or natural seeings l like in women, even as a sister, unfortunately, what can ya do.

On the other hand,one of my other sisters l hadn't seen in 20yrs bc we lived interstate ,huge family, a few we just never saw. Never felt any connection with her anyway earlier in life so it was neither here or there.

she's a professor , not really my thing at all either anyway. Buttttt, did l get a surprise from that one, as l say, been 20yrs.

She called me last yr about some Christmas thing and l tell ya what, one of the nicest calls l've ever had with any of the sisters and oddly after all those yrs, we've kept in touch a little since now after all this time. She's grounded , easy to talk too , common sense, sees things, it blew my mind tbh , hope to vatch up in person sometime.

Soooo, it all depends.

We don't usually waste time especially with sisters they're just a different animal, if we just aren't feelin it.

[therising]

Hi rx

Close relationships are definitely a learning experience. If it wasn't for the challenges of my marriage, I wouldn't have learned so much about myself over the past 20 something years. Same goes for my kids. If not for my kids, I may not have ever come to truly understand what love really means to me and I may not have ever come to know what it means to adore people so intensely in such a deep heartfelt way.

While relationships with other and our self will test us, the tests involved can all be so different. We can be tested on how patient we are, tested on our level of devotion and determination, tested on our ability to open our mind and think more outside the square, tested on just how much we can develop the ability to feel for others, tested on stretching our tolerance levels and so much more. Then there can be a whole stack of other tests of a different nature. I believe the test or tests to develop aspects of self can be the most challenging. We can be tested on bringing the communicator in us to life, when perhaps having never been given the skills in life for excellent communication. We can be tested on bringing the excitement seeker in us to life, when certain relationships never came with all that much excitement to begin with and the list goes on. Then there can be the test of establishing what can be a kind of new found relationship with someone we haven't seen for some time. While that relationship may hold some old and familiar facets to it, people change over the years and their change in nature (coupled with our own change in nature) can test the connection we have with them.

Then there are the kinds of tests which would have to be my least favourite. They're the ones where I have no idea exactly what I'm being tested on, what I'm being asked to examine. It's kind of like you can be facing a challenge that feels legitimately depressing and the test in some way is to figure out what it's all about. Can take days, weeks, months or even years to work some out but when you do, there's nothing that compares to the feeling of a mind altering life changing revelation that just screams 'You've passed! Graduate to the next level'.

In revisiting the idea of simplicity, simple tests can be such a relief. 🙂