Depression is ruining my life

[Genesis]

Hi All

New to BB. I have been suffering from depression for over 20 years. Tonight is a particularly bad night. As I look back I am counting the cost of what my depression has bought me. My marriage broke down 5 years ago as my ex-wife was unable to cope with living with a miserable man. She gave me a lot of support over the 10 years we were together but in the end it was too much for her. My 16 year old daughter also struggles with my condition and I am seeing less and less of her as she grows up (which is breaking my heart). I have been unemployed for 4 years and am on a disability pension. I once had a good career with a decent salary and now I struggle to make ends meet. I am living in a small unit on my own and am very lonely. Many of my friends have drifted away , either unable to comprehend mental illness or sick of my unreliability ( I never know when a bout of depression will leave me unable to attend an event until the last minute). My parents have been wonderful support to me but they are now in their eighties and neither are well which worries me greatly. Basically I am sick of my life and I suppose I am feeling a bit sorry for myself tonight but I just needed to express myself. Thanks for listening

[Chicken_Wings]

Hi Genesis,

welcome to the forums, are you a Genesis fan?

ive been dealing with depression for 16 years and I understand where you are coming from. Sometimes I get mad at myself when a bout comes along and it prevents me from doing things. 

Do you see anyone about your mental health or are you on any medication? 

I know it's cliche and I know you know this, but it's important to push yourself to do things, even when you don't feel like it. Have you considered joining a support group that meets in person? I've never been to one myself but someone on here mentioned one they went to and although going the first time sounds daunting, it might be a good way to meet a few new people who understand you and gives you a reason to get out of the house. An alternative to that might be joining some other form of club or group that meets regularly and does something you enjoy.

my psychologist asked me to write down the things that would mean a happy life and then work towards them. Maybe you could also write down what you picture as a happy life and start working towards them too. For example, if having a better relationship with you daughter is important, think of things you can do to start making it stronger, whether just 'liking' photos she posts on Facebook or Instagram or making an effort to text her 3 times a week to say hi. 

Start small and work up.

i hope these ideas help you. You're not alone in this.

[Genesis]

Hi Chicken Wings

Thanks for replying to my post. Yes , I am a fan of Genesis and a million other bands. Music is one thing that has helped me a lot over the years. In answer to your question I am seeing a psychiatrist and he has me on quite a high dose of medication. I've been with him for nearly 20 years and we have tried quite a few different AD's. I think I may have to be on meds the rest of my life. Certainly at the moment I would be too scared to come off them.

My daughter won't let me be a 'friend' on Facebook but I don't take it personally as she won't let her mother either. I think she just being a secretive teenager !

I like your suggestion of joining a group that meets because as you say it would force me to get out of the house. To tell you the truth I didn't know they existed. I might google for my area. It certainly would be daunting at first but it may be worth a try.

Thank you again and I hope you are having a good day. It is very very hot where I am and my unit has no air conditioning !

regard, Genesis