Depression- how to give and get support from a partner

[white knight]

We can get support from many organisations and professional medical staff but support from home can be crucial to our ongoing improvement of our condition. Such support from a love done can come in many ways but in this post I'd like to focus on basic support, the bare minimum. The reason for this is we are well aware of the high number of spouses that have no idea how to offer support to an invisible illness. Their low level of knowledge often falls into a "blaming" attitude rather than learning of the symptoms of the illness that often is the source of the sufferers behaviour.

Take irritability. My lovely wife used to blame my irritability on an intention of mine to discount talking to her or my snapping at her. It is indeed a side effect or even direct effect of my bipolar. However, part of the goal of mutual happiness in this situation is accountability and co-support. Just because I can point to irritability as a symptom of my illness doesnt make life easy for her so a gentle "I'm sorry for being snappy before" can work wonders. It doesnt hurt to be accountable regardless of no fault.

The problem is worse when a carer has no idea how to give support which can result in zero attempt to offer support eg silence. In fact it infuriates me and adds to irritability. Some of us dont need much support to keep our struggle train rolling. A "I'm here for a drink and chat if you need me" or a pat on the back or "when you feel better we'll reflect on it and see if we can make it easier for you".

The "give and take" with couples that have mental illness as a disability, is far more important than couples that dont. However, we shouldnt pigeon hole ourselves so easily. All other couples have issues of some sort that we might not have eg financial stress, personality quirks, excess family conflict, addictions, hidden medical problems, inherited diseases and so on.

The grass might not be greener and this attitude can save us from feeling over sorry for ourselves. It's all a part of accepting our situation for what it is, just on the boundaries of "normal".

So for those that like support or dont know how to offer it, try to learn the simply ways to add it to your daily acts of empathy. Short, genuine and real efforts will always download to benefit others. There's no negative in giving and you should always be appreciated for trying.

TonyWK

[Elizabeth CP]

Sometimes when we can't seem to explain what we need and get into a spirally problem of misunderstanding and over reacting getting help from a professional you can trust. Some time ago my reactions due to my MH issues would trigger outbursts from hsb which made things far worse with me over reacting. My psych arranged a meeting with both of us. I had given him permission to speak to my hsb about my issues and how they were affecting us. The psych spoke first with hsb so he could get his side and then explain my side. We then met together wit the psych summarising the problem and then helping us come to an agreement of how to deal with the issue. I learnt to give a warning when I felt I was about to blow up. My hsb then understood this was about my problem not caused by him so it stopped the escalating conflicts and certainly helped us understand each other better.

[sbella02]

TonyWK,

Really really great words. You've put it so beautifully, and I particularly resonate with your point, "It doesnt hurt to be accountable regardless of no fault". Accountability is so important.

I think broadly, it's important for people to be educated on how to appropriately deal with family members or partners who struggle with their mental health. Knowing what language to use and how to offer support can be so impactful, and is super necessary particularly in times of unpredictability like our current situation with the pandemic, where emotions and mental health issues can be heightened. In my opinion, I think it should be addressed in schools as part of a broad discussion on mental health.

Particularly in relationships, people tend to underestimate the importance of having an open conversation and talking to one another. Communication is definitely important here, because emotional needs should be discussed in a relationship in the same manner as any other type of need. This conversation would ideally cover each person's boundaries, what support looks like for them, and how this can be achieved while taking into account each other's boundaries. I know that with my partner, talking about different issues where necessary has helped us strengthen our bond and learn what each other needs and what our limits are when it comes to mental health.

It's great that you've opened up this conversation here, I think it's a valuable one to have. Keen to hear people's thoughts.

SB

[white knight]

Hi Elizabeth

I do agree for us to learn to give such warnings. I confess to falling into that remedy only recently. Loving wife would irritate me say, over mentioning my ex wife too much in a general conversation and I'd react...lets face it, I'd over react. So from then on I'd ask "darling, i understand why she came up in conversation but lets move off that topic" (prior to me getting upset).

A good post.

TonyWK

[white knight]

Hi SB,

Re: "emotional needs should be discussed in a relationship in the same manner as any other type of need."

Yes, alas, we as a society are getting there I hope. Just like racism, discrimination, society is ever evolving and improving so one day mental health topics will be no different than talking about how hard our eggs should be when cooked.

In a relationship talking about mental health issues has or should have limitations or the carer might just get tired of the topic. There is a balance that must be found depending on the topic and the endurance of either party.

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/do-you-ramble-on-a-talker-of-mental-illness-all-the-time-

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/caring-for-your-'well'-partner

TonyWK