Depression anxiety and panic from missing time

Living57 · ‎27-11-2021

I'm so confused. My depression and anxiety has peaked badly today. I woke up as usual about 4.00 am, and did the normal things I do. At 8.15 the young girl next door asked if I could run her to work as she'd slept in. I was more than happy to as I needed the supermarket. On the way I asked if she was also working on the weekend, she said yes today and tomorrow, so I said great you've got Sunday off. She looked at me and said no that's tomorrow. I didn't believe her until I checked my phone and saw that today is actually Saturday.
Now I'm worried and scared because I don't remember Friday. The last I remember was going to my doctor on Thursday, coming home and doing some wrapping of Christmas presents before going to bed.
I cannot remember anything about Friday. Should I be worried, who should I talk to about this. I have had instances in the past where I feel as if I'm on auto pilot and watching myself do things, but I remember that and it only lasts minutes to an hour. This time I dont remember anything about the day. I feel sick and nauseous at the thought that I might be losing my mind, the panic inside me is far worse than I have felt in the past. I really don't know what to do.
I know that the last week or so has been quite stressful for me, but I was sure I was coping alright. I dont know what to do and the more I try and think about Friday the more upset and stressed I get.

Croix · ‎27-11-2021

Dear Living57~

I guess the first thing to say is no, don't worry. A day which you do not recollect is unsettling, but I'd be pretty sure you will have gone though that day just like any other, dong the normal things, but just 'stepped outside yourself' for a while.

It's not that surprising really, you have been badly injured since young and then had a further incident more recently, and I'm not sure but don't know if you have finished wiht officialdom over this latest incident. I do hope you have as every contact simply harms you further.

You talk of auto-pilot, something I'm very familiar with, my mind does not engage and I drive to places I normally go whilst intending to go elsewhere, I do ordinary things even though I need to do something else, and the further back in time I go to nearer the incidents that harmed me the more pronounced it was.

Your kindness to the girl next door shows your basic nature has not changed, and the fact you worry about letting your daughter down and crying shows you have a loving parental concern.

Actually I'd turn all that other way around, considering your past experiences I think you present an example to be admired, and the symptoms you exhibit simply reinforce the huge barriers you are overcoming.

For those that have been though something similar there is understanding and you can talk about anything, you will be met with kindred spirits, some still suffering greatly.

Please do tell your psych about the day you do not remember, I expect you will find it is not nearly as big a deal as you fear, and while you are at it -and if you have not done so already - please tell about your 'tormentor' too.

I found that when I talked in my own time then it was a burden shared as well as giving a clear picture of waht needs to be deal with .

I now lead that 'normal life' you mentioned, though still under treatment, and still with memories yet to unfold, but it is a good life. I'm sure if I can recover from being a suicidal wreck then in time you can get to a happier life too.

Croix

Living57 · ‎28-11-2021

Hi Croix

Your words are so positive and I thank you for that.

I spent yesterday really worrying about my lost day. Its a worry that I can be so absent from myself and obviously didn't do anything untoward that I can see, maybe being alone was a god send in this case. I mentioned it to my younger daughter in a phone call last night and while she was concerned she reinforced the same things you had said that with all I have been through and still have to deal with I just needed time out. I will be mentioning this to my psych when I see him.

You ask about my dealings with officialdom well that is still ongoing, and I actually had a call from them for more information and it just triggered me badly, they have yet to make an arrest but are still investigating. It pushes me to the edge everytime I have to talk to them and I relive it constantly so much triggers me, things on the TV or radio particularly, so I try to be selective on what I watch but ads...well I'm sure you can imagine. Night triggers nightmares and flashbacks sometimes so bad I thrash around in bed and end up bruised and sore as a result. It all pushes me further down the black hole. Im beginning to think I will never get out, the opening gets smaller and smaller.

I admit I use these forums as my shoulders to cry on, my place to safely vent where I won't be judged and for that I'm grateful.

Again thank you

Croix · ‎28-11-2021

Dear Living57~

I guess this is exactly the right place to give vent to your feelings, safe and among friends, and venting is indeed a human need, so please don't feel in any way embarrassed or thing less of yourself for doing so.

I guess we have all done it, I certainly have.

In a way I'm really sorry that you are still having to deal with that latest incident. I don't think I could in you shoes. May I ask why you continue? Many do it to be believed, some to see 'justice' done, some are simply swept up in events.

It is most injurious to have everything constantly rehashed and details sought, and seems so open ended. How would you feel if you walked away from it all, just said "no more"?

Actually that opening you mentioned is not getting smaller and smaller, whatever it seems like now, as you are gaining experience every day, experience in your reactions, experience in avoiding triggers, experience in trying to reach for peace and solace.

That experiencing mounts up, one of the most comforting things I think of is "I have been here before", it reminds me I've come out the other side and also reminds me most often of how I did it.

Flashbacks and nightmares have less force for me by far now, not as potent, not as frightening or disorienting, and consume less time in my life, leaving more time for better things.

You will get there

Croix

Living57 · ‎23-02-2022

I feel as if my CPTSD and depression is really taking over my life. I am switching between the logical person and a person who is impulsive and random. I think about my life and dwell on the abuse. It makes me so angry. I'm having times where I can't remember what I did, but I can see things that have happened or things done around my house, for instance the other day I had obviously rearranged my bedroom but I have absolutely no memory of doing it. It scares me.
I have a psych I see for a sexual assault and we are working through the trauma that has caused, its ongoing and now its 2 years and I'm still having nightmares and flashbacks.
I also have a great GP. These are probably the only two men I trust.
But, and it's a big BUT, I haven't told them that I can't remember things that happen. I guess I don't want to have another mental health problem. I dont want another issue to deal with. The not remembering is really scary, I keep thinking what if I do something bad, what if I hurt myself. And all this thinking about what if makes me more depressed and anxious.
My friend tries to help me, she tells me when I'm stressed I become a different person. So I realise that the anxiety and depression are taking over at these times and that worries me because she can see a difference in ne.
I live alone and am socially isolated because I don't trust people and hate crowds. I try to do things to fill my day but most days I struggle to not think about the bad stuff, it seems to creep in to my memory and mind on a regular basis.
I think what if I wasn't here, I wouldn't have these problems, I'd have nothing, just blackness. I just think these things, I'm not wanting to die, I'm not suicidal, I just think.
And I guess I over think all these things.
I just feel as if I'm trapped in a life I don't understand.

Sophie_M · ‎23-02-2022

Hi Living57,

We hope you don't mind us popping in. We just wanted to let you know that we're here and you can speak to our counsellors if you'd like to, because this sounds really hard.

It sounds like it would be really good to open up about this to your GP or therapist, but we can understand you're feeling scared, sad and anxious about this, and that is not in any way easy to overcome. Just know that we're here with you while you work towards it. If you wanted to find out a bit more first, or just talk through it with someone else, you could call the Blue Knot Helpline and Redress Support Service on 1300 657 380 (9am-5pm AEST Monday-Sunday and public holidays). Our counsellors are here for you too, 24/7 on 1300 22 4636, or online.

We hope you can also practice some self-care while you're dealing with this. The Blue Knot Foundation's page on Survivors Self Care is really good, and there's a few nice conversations on the forums about looking after yourself and finding restful moments, like these ones:

Thank you for sharing this. We can hear it's really confusing and scary when this happen, and we can imagine how incredibly hard that would be to deal with, but we’re glad you were able to open up to this community. You never know who is reading this and feeling less alone. Thank you.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

Croix · ‎23-02-2022

Dear Living57~

I honestly believe you are putting too much store in these episodes you can't remember. While I did not (intentionally) rearrange furniture there were blanks, and during those times I'd either be still or even interact wiht my partner, or drive somewhere

My partner could tell when I was in those states, so I must have been different during those times.

My Psychiatrist tried to explaining it to me, though I'm not sure I grasped what he was getting at, except it was not an additional problem, but stemmed from my PTSD and depression.

The good news of course is all that is well behind me. True sometimes I still become preoccupied by past events, but it is not the same and seems almost natural considering the event themselves.

Can I suggest you consider telling you medical support and see what happens? I would hope you will end up with one worry less.

What do you think?

Croix