Depression has presence

[Herpetology]

Hi Guy/Gals,

Since I was 16 (now 21) I have felt a constant sadness in the background, even though I could be happy and everything is fine.

A presence that follows me around and eventually it makes my heart feel heavy, I feel tied, I can't look people in the eye anymore and I just want to be alone.

I can't run from it, I can't remove it but I can temporarily forget about it, by separating sad and negative feelings from good feelings. But only for a while then like water blocked by an obstacle it finds its way around and I feel down.

When I feel this way it can get quite intense and I get this sweet urge that the only way to get of this quick would be to end it all quickly and it would be all over.

Is this normal? Should I not be worried about it, I tried using marijuana once when I felt down but this only made things worse with the whole "what goes up must come down" concept.

I have thought about going to a GP about it but I don't want any kind of mental health problem on my medical history as it may effect me later on life, career wise.

Any advice/thoughts would be wonderful on what I should do or what's going on.

Thanks, Jack.

[Cornstarch]

Herpetology.
How are you mate?

Depression is visceral. It is a category on this forum, a diagnosis, but most horribly also a physical feeling. Maybe it's just a feeling inside, that is only known to you, coursing through your veins. Regardless of what it is technically, and to whom; you are feeling it.

Your 'medical history' is not visible to any future employers (screw'MyGov') unless you make it so. So don't fret about being 'found out' as such.

Is there a 'Headspace' in your area? You are young enough to access that service.

My Dad took his own life, so in terms of the 'urges' you referenced, I am not a total ignoramus, patronising you right now, standing over you, telling you how to deal and that it's all a load of nonsense.

The perfect scenario would be that you connect with a health professional, or maybe even several and discuss this, the urges directly, again, it is something that is talked about every single day, you would d be surprised how many people are out there.

When someone in your immediate family/circle commits suicide, naturally, the suicide community is opened up to you, and you see all its varying kinds. There are the suicides that are quite 'text-book', and there are the sidelining ones that seem to come out of no-where. There is no other word for them but 'eery'.

We rely on you to communicate to keep you safe.

The problem is, that when people seek help, it is largely dependent upon their honesty and transparency. A lot of people bag out & criticise the doctors, psychologists and nurses, and yet withhold critical information that is indicative of the 'real' situation. Embarrassment and shame get in the way. To tackle your mental health head on, you have to come to the party, warts and all, and throw your pride to the wind.

The 'impulses' that you refer to, as being your escape, can be worked with. They are not a life sentence, and do not have to result in tragedy. Is there any doctor/ mental health professional in your life that you could openly admit to having these thoughts, and also include a family member in them?

[romantic_thi3f]

Hey Jack,

Welcome to the forums and thanks for posting.

It sounds like you've identified a lot of things that are making you feel down; like a heaviness of constant sadness. Whether it's depression or not, identifying that something isn't quite right is a big step because unless you know what you're dealing with it's hard to tackle.

I think Cornstarch has given you a great answer but I just want to emphasise -

What you say to the GP is confidential and does not affect your career. If you see a psychologist, this is also confidential. The only people that will have access to your records are the Doctor (or Doctors) treating you within the practice. If you and your GP decide to, you may see a Psychiatrist. If this is the case, they will be sent a referral with basic information about you. This is then confidential too.

There are exceptions to this rule; one is if you disclose that you are having suicidal intentions and you feel that you cannot be safe in your own house and another is if you disclose that you are going to harm someone and feel that they are not safe in their own home.

The only reason that information would be disclosed to your employer is if you and your employer found that your depression was affecting your work capability and your employer wanted to work with your doctor to either get a medical certificate/report or assess your ability to work. If this becomes the case, only a small amount of information is obtained by the employer and you can discuss this with them. You also have the right to refuse the collection of any information about you by the employer.

I hope this puts your mind at ease.