I've never joined or posted in any depression forums anywhere. As I sit
here, watching TV, watching myself type this, it still feels a bit
surreal. What am I doing here? What do I hope to get from this? Will
anyone even talk to me? Will I be judged? ...
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I've never joined or posted in any depression forums anywhere. As I sit
here, watching TV, watching myself type this, it still feels a bit
surreal. What am I doing here? What do I hope to get from this? Will
anyone even talk to me? Will I be judged? Will it be seen as a weakness?
Tears well in my eyes, and I find myself once again struggling.
Heartbreak has brought me here. But first some brief history. I lost my
mum many years ago sure to cancer, didn't properly mourn, moved around
the country to further my career, burying myself in work, I was running.
| Back in my home city, I kept trying to run, trying to cover the pain
with alcohol and drugs until one day I broke down, and had the worst
thoughts. Instead, I saw a doctor, again broke down, was diagnosed
depressive, and placed on medication. Skip forward a few years, I'm a
reduced dosage, in a great relationship, I started to let the meds run
out, on purpose now I look back on it, to see if I could shake this on
my own. After a few days each time I would go back to them as the
withdrawals made me too light headed and weird. I lose my job, but stay
on the lighter meds, things get tough, but I stay tougher. The meds run
out again, I push through the head spins and feeling weird, I get
through the other side, I am medication free, feeling ok. Then things
start to crack, I'm having second thoughts, did I do this too soon. So I
go back on them. Yesterday, my partner of 3+ years, ended our
relationship. I haven't felt this pain since my mother passed and I fear
I may go back down the road I was once on. I'm so lost, hopelessly lost.
I feel like such a failure, a disappointment, and completely worthless.
I'm so damn sad, and so damn angry at myself for failing this
relationship. I know this pain is probably normal in a relationship, but
for some reason, this feels different. This feels like someone is
sitting on my chest and belting my head around with a leather belt, like
punishment. I want to shake it, I know I have to shake it, but can't
climb out of the hole, I just don't want to do anything but go back to
bed.